# The Surprising Adventures of Baron Munchausen (B1 edition)

*Rudolf Erich Raspe*

## Preface to the First Edition

Baron Munnikhouson or Munchausen, of Bodenweder, near Hamelyn on the Weser, belongs to the noble family of that name. This family gave the King's German lands the late prime minister. It also gave them several other public men who were just as bright and famous.

The Baron is a man of great and original humour. He has found that you cannot reason people with prejudiced minds into common sense. He has also found that bold talkers often bully their listeners and talk them out of their common sense. So he never argues with either kind of person. Instead, he cleverly turns the conversation to some ordinary subject. Then he tells a story of his travels, his wars or his hunting adventures. He tells it in his own special way. His way is well planned to wake up the common sense of people who have lost it through prejudice or habit. It also makes them ashamed.

This method has often worked well. So we ask permission to put some of his stories before the public. Some readers will find them rather wild and close to the marvellous. To see this, they will need only a very small amount of common sense. We humbly ask these readers to use the same common sense on everything that happens in life. Above all, we ask them to use it on our English politics. There, fine speeches have dressed up *old habits* and *bold assertions*. Constitutional mobs, associations, volunteers and foreign influence have supported them. We fear that lately they have turned our brains far too successfully. They have made us the laughing-stock of Europe, and of France and Holland in particular.

TO THE PUBLIC

I have heard, for the first time, that people doubt my adventures and think they are jokes. So I feel I must come forward and defend my character *for veracity*. For this reason I have paid three shillings at the Mansion House of this great city for the affidavits below.

I have been forced to do this for the sake of my own honour. I did it although I retired from public and private life many years ago. I hope that this, my last edition, will show me to my readers in a proper light.

AT THE CITY OF LONDON, ENGLAND.

*We*, the undersigned, are true believers in the *profit*. We most solemnly declare that all the adventures of our friend Baron Munchausen, in whatever country they may *lie*, are positive and simple facts. *And* people have believed us, though our adventures are ten times more wonderful. *So* we hope all true believers will give him their full faith and trust. GULLIVER. x SINBAD. x ALADDIN. x *Sworn at the Mansion House 9th Nov. last, in the absence of the Lord Mayor.* JOHN (*the Porter*).

### Glossary

- **prejudiced**: having fixed opinions that are not based on reason or facts.
- **marvellous**: wonderful and hard to believe.
- **assertions**: strong statements that someone says are true.
- **laughing-stock**: a person or country that everybody laughs at.
- **veracity**: truthfulness; always telling the truth.
- **shillings**: small old English coins.
- **Mansion House**: the house of the Lord Mayor of London.
- **affidavit**: a written statement that someone swears is true.
- **profit**: a joke: it sounds like "prophet", a holy man who speaks for God.
- **lie**: a joke with two meanings: "to be found in a place" and "to tell lies".
- **the Porter**: the man who guards the door of a building.

## Chapter I

\[THE BARON IS SUPPOSED TO TELL THESE ADVENTURES TO HIS FRIENDS OVER A BOTTLE.\]

*The Baron tells the story of his first travels—The amazing effects of a storm—He arrives at Ceylon; he fights and beats two extraordinary enemies—He returns to Holland.*

Some years before my beard showed that I was becoming a man, I was neither man nor boy, but between both. At that time I often said that I wanted very much to see the world. My parents tried to stop me. Yet my father had been a great traveller himself. You will see this before I reach the end of my strange and, I may add, interesting adventures. A cousin on my mother's side liked me. He often said I was a fine forward youth. He wanted to satisfy my curiosity. His words had more effect than mine. My father agreed that I could go with him on a voyage to the island of Ceylon. The cousin's uncle had lived there as governor for many years.

We sailed from Amsterdam with despatches from their High Mightinesses the States of Holland. Only one thing happened on our voyage that is worth telling. It was the wonderful effect of a storm. We had anchored at an island to take in wood and water. There the storm tore up a great number of huge, tall trees by the roots. Some of these trees weighed many tons. Yet the wind carried them so amazingly high that they looked like the feathers of small birds floating in the air. They were at least five miles above the earth. But as soon as the storm ended, they all fell straight down into their own places and took root again.

The largest tree was the only exception. When it was blown into the air, a man and his wife were on its branches. They were a very honest old couple, and they were gathering cucumbers. (In this part of the world that useful vegetable grows on trees.) As the tree came down, the couple's weight pulled the trunk over. It fell sideways, flat. It fell on the chief man of the island and killed him on the spot. He had left his house in the storm because he feared it would fall on him. He was walking back through his own garden when this fortunate accident happened.

The word "fortunate" here needs some explanation. This chief was a very greedy and cruel man. He had no family, yet the people of the island were half-starved by his cruel and shameful taxes. The very goods he had taken from them were rotting in his stores. Meanwhile the poor people he had robbed were suffering in poverty. The death of this tyrant was an accident. Even so, the people chose the cucumber-gatherers as their governors. They did it to show their thanks for destroying their old tyrant, even by accident.

We repaired the damage the storm had done to us. We said goodbye to the new governor and his lady. Then we sailed with a good wind towards the end of our voyage.

In about six weeks we arrived at Ceylon. There we were received with great friendship and true politeness. The following strange adventures may amuse you.

We had been in Ceylon for about a fortnight. Then I went shooting with one of the governor's brothers. He was a strong, athletic man. He had lived there for some years and was used to the climate. So he could bear the terrible heat of the sun much better than I could. On our trip he soon got far into a thick wood, while I was still at its entrance.

I had stopped near the edge of a large piece of water, which interested me. Then I thought I heard a rustling noise behind me. I turned round. I was almost frozen with fear (and who would not be?). A lion was coming towards me. He clearly meant to satisfy his hunger with my poor body, and without asking my consent. What could I do in this terrible situation? I did not have even a moment to think. My gun was loaded only with swan-shot, and I had no other shot with me. I could not hope to kill such an animal with that weak kind of shot. But I hoped the bang might frighten him, and perhaps the shot might wound him too.

I fired at once, without waiting until he came close enough. The bang only made him angry. He now moved faster and seemed to run at me at full speed. I tried to escape, but that only made my trouble worse, if that was possible. The moment I turned round, I saw a large crocodile. Its mouth was wide open, almost ready to take me in. On my right was the piece of water I mentioned. On my left was a deep precipice. I learned later that at the bottom there was a place full of poisonous creatures.

In short, I gave myself up for lost. The lion was now up on his back legs, just about to seize me. I fell to the ground from fear without meaning to. As I learned afterwards, the lion jumped over me. I lay there for some time. No words can describe how I felt. Every moment I expected to feel his teeth or claws in some part of my body.

I lay flat like this for a few seconds. Then I heard a violent but unusual noise. It was different from any sound I had ever heard before. You will not be surprised when I tell you where it came from. I listened for some time. Then I dared to lift my head and look round. To my great joy, I saw what had happened. The lion had sprung at me so eagerly that he had jumped forward, as I fell, into the crocodile's mouth! As I said before, it was wide open. The head of the one was stuck in the throat of the other! And they were struggling to get free!

Luckily I remembered my *couteau de chasse*, which was at my side. With it I cut off the lion's head with one blow, and the body fell at my feet! Then I took my fowling-piece and turned it round. With the butt-end I pushed the head deeper into the crocodile's throat. So I killed the crocodile by suffocation. He could neither swallow the head nor spit it out.

Soon after I had won this complete victory over my two powerful enemies, my companion arrived to look for me. I had not followed him into the wood. So he had come back, because he feared I had lost my way or had an accident.

We congratulated each other. Then we measured the crocodile. It was just forty feet long.

We told the governor about this extraordinary adventure. At once he sent a waggon and servants, who brought home the two dead bodies. The lion's skin was carefully preserved with its hair on. Then it was made into tobacco-pouches. When we returned to Holland, I gave these to the burgomasters. In return, they asked me to accept a thousand ducats.

The crocodile's skin was stuffed in the usual way. It is now one of the main things to see in their public museum at Amsterdam. There the exhibitor tells the whole story to every visitor. He adds whatever details he likes. Some of his changes are rather wild. In one of them, the lion jumped right through the crocodile. He was escaping at the back door. As soon as his head appeared, Monsieur the Great Baron cut it off. (That is what the man likes to call me.) In this version I also cut off three feet of the crocodile's tail with it. This fellow cares so little for the truth that he sometimes adds more. He says that as soon as the crocodile missed his tail, he turned round. He snatched the *couteau de chasse* out of Monsieur's hand. He swallowed it so eagerly that it went through his heart and killed him at once!

This impudent knave cares so little about veracity. So I sometimes fear that people may doubt my *real facts* too. They may do so because they find them in company with his confounded inventions.

### Glossary

- **despatches**: official letters or messages sent by a government.
- **High Mightinesses**: a title for the rulers of Holland at that time.
- **precipice**: a very steep side of a cliff or mountain.
- **swan-shot**: small balls of shot for shooting birds.
- **couteau de chasse**: (French) a hunting knife.
- **fowling-piece**: a long gun for shooting birds.
- **suffocation**: dying because you cannot breathe.
- **burgomasters**: the mayors and leaders of a Dutch town.
- **ducats**: old gold coins.
- **impudent knave**: a rude, dishonest man.
- **veracity**: truthfulness; always telling the truth.
- **confounded**: (old) terrible, annoying.

## Chapter II

*In which the Baron proves he is a good shot—He loses his horse and finds a wolf—He makes the wolf pull his sledge—He promises to tell his friends facts that are well worth hearing.*

I set off from Rome on a journey to Russia in the middle of winter. I had a good reason for this. I thought that frost and snow must surely make the roads better. Every traveller had said that the roads were very bad through the northern parts of Germany, Poland, Courland and Livonia. I went on horseback, because that was the most convenient way to travel. I was only lightly dressed. The further north-east I went, the more I felt it.

On a bleak common in Poland I saw a poor old man. He was lying by the road, helpless and shivering. He hardly had anything to cover his naked body. Think how much he must have suffered in that hard weather and climate! I pitied the poor soul. I felt the bitter cold myself, but I threw my cloak over him. At once I heard a voice from the heavens. It blessed me for that act of kindness and said:

"You will be rewarded, my son, for this in time."

I went on. Night and darkness came over me. There was no village in sight. The country was covered with snow, and I did not know the road.

I was tired, so I got off my horse. I tied him to something like the pointed stump of a tree, which was sticking up out of the snow. To be safe, I put my pistols under my arm. Then I lay down on the snow. I slept so deeply that I did not open my eyes until it was full daylight.

You cannot easily imagine how astonished I was. I found myself in the middle of a village, lying in a churchyard! My horse was nowhere to be seen. But soon after, I heard him neigh somewhere above me. I looked up. There he was, hanging by his bridle from the weather-cock of the church steeple.

Now everything was quite clear to me. The village had been covered with snow during the night. Then the weather had suddenly changed. While I was asleep, I had sunk gently down to the churchyard as the snow melted away. In the dark I had taken something for the stump of a little tree above the snow. I had tied my horse to it. In fact, it was the cross or weather-cock of the steeple!

I did not think about it for long. I took one of my pistols and shot through the bridle. So I got the horse down, and I went on with my journey. \[Here the Baron seems to have forgotten his feelings. He should certainly have ordered his horse a feed of corn, after it had gone without food for so long.\]

The horse carried me well as I travelled further into Russia. There I found that riding on horseback was rather unfashionable in winter. So I followed the custom of the country, as I always do. I took a sledge with a single horse and drove quickly towards St. Petersburg.

I do not remember exactly whether it was in Eastland or Jugemanland. But I remember that I was in the middle of a dreary forest. Suddenly I saw a terrible wolf coming after me. He ran with all the speed of a beast starving in winter. He soon caught up with me. There was no way to escape. Without thinking, I lay down flat in the sledge and let my horse run to save us both.

What I wished for, but hardly hoped for, happened at once. The wolf did not take any notice of me. He leaped over me and fell furiously on the horse. At once he began to tear and eat the back part of the poor animal. The horse ran faster because of his pain and terror.

So nobody noticed me, and I was safe. I lifted my head carefully. With horror I saw that the wolf had eaten his way into the horse's body. It was not long before he had pushed himself right inside it. Then I took my chance. I attacked him with the butt-end of my whip. He did not expect an attack from behind, and it frightened him very much. He leaped forward with all his strength. The horse's body dropped to the ground. But now the wolf was in the harness in its place! I, for my part, kept whipping him all the time. We both arrived at full speed, safe, in St. Petersburg. Neither of us had expected this. The people who watched us were very much astonished.

I shall not tire you, gentlemen, with the politics, arts, sciences and history of this magnificent capital of Russia. Nor shall I trouble you with my various intrigues and pleasant adventures in the fine society of that country. There the lady of the house always welcomes a visitor with a dram and a salute. Instead, I shall keep to greater and nobler subjects for your attention. I mean horses and dogs, my favourites among the animals. I also mean foxes, wolves and bears. Russia has more of these, and more game in general, than any other part of the world. And I shall tell you about sports, manly exercises, and brave and active deeds. These show a true gentleman better than dusty old Greek or Latin. They show him better than all the perfume, fine clothes and silly jumps of French wits or *petit-maîtres*.

### Glossary

- **common**: an open piece of land with no trees, where anyone may walk.
- **sledge**: a vehicle that slides on snow.
- **bridle**: the straps on a horse's head used to control it.
- **weather-cock**: a metal figure on a roof that turns to show the wind.
- **steeple**: the tall pointed tower of a church.
- **harness**: the straps that tie a horse to a sledge or cart.
- **intrigues**: secret plans or secret love affairs.
- **game**: wild animals and birds that people hunt.
- **dram and a salute**: a small glass of strong drink and a kiss.
- **petit-maîtres**: (French) vain, fashionable young men.

## Chapter III

*The Baron's nose meets a door-post, with wonderful effects—Fifty brace of ducks and other birds killed with one shot—He flogs a fox out of his skin—He leads an old sow home in a new way, and beats a wild boar.*

It was some time before I could get a commission in the army. So for several months I was completely free to spend my time and money on sport, like a true gentleman. You can easily imagine that I spent much of both out of town. I went with brave fellows who knew how to make the most of open forest country. Just remembering those pleasures gives me new energy. It makes me wish warmly to do it all again.

One morning I looked through the windows of my bedroom. I saw that a large pond not far away was covered with wild ducks. In an instant I took my gun from the corner. I ran downstairs and out of the house. I was in such a hurry that I carelessly hit my face against the door-post. Fire flew out of my eyes, but this did not stop my plan.

I soon came within shot of the ducks. As I aimed my gun, I saw to my sorrow that the flint had jumped out of the cock. The violent knock I had just had must have shaken it loose. There was no time to lose. I quickly remembered the effect the blow had had on my eyes. So I opened the pan. I aimed my gun at the wild birds, and I aimed my fist at one of my own eyes. \[The Baron's eyes have kept their fire ever since. They seem to shine especially brightly when he tells this story.\] A good hard blow made sparks again. The gun went off. I killed fifty brace of ducks, twenty widgeons and three couple of teals.

Presence of mind is the soul of manly exercises. Soldiers and sailors owe many of their lucky escapes to it. Hunters and sportsmen owe it just as much for many of their successes.

In a noble forest in Russia I met a fine black fox. His skin was valuable. It would have been a pity to tear it with a ball or shot. Reynard was standing close to a tree. In a moment I took the ball out of my gun. I put a good spike-nail in its place. I fired. I hit him so cleverly that I nailed his brush firmly to the tree. Then I went up to him and took out my hanger. I gave him a cross-shaped cut over the face. Next I took my whip and simply flogged him out of his fine skin.

Chance and good luck often correct our mistakes. I had a strange example of this soon after. Deep in a forest I saw a wild pig and a sow. They were running close behind each other. My ball missed them. Yet only the front pig ran away. The sow stood without moving, as if she were fixed to the ground.

I looked into the matter. I found that she was an old sow, blind with age. She had taken hold of her young pig's tail with her mouth. In this way her child could lead her along, out of filial duty. My ball had passed between the two of them. It had cut through the pig's tail, her leading-string. The old sow was still holding the end of it in her mouth. Her guide was no longer pulling her forward, so of course she had stopped. So I took hold of the other end of the pig's tail. I led the old animal home with no more trouble on my part. The poor helpless old creature did not resist or show any fear.

These wild sows are terrible. But the boars are even fiercer and more dangerous. Once I had the bad luck to meet one in a forest. I was not ready to attack or to defend myself. I stepped behind an oak-tree just as the furious animal struck at me from the side. He struck with such force that his tusks went right through the tree. So he could neither strike again nor pull back.

"Ho, ho!" I thought. "I shall soon have you now!"

At once I picked up a stone. With it I hammered his tusks and bent them over. Now he could not get away by any means. He had to wait until I came back from the next village. I went there for ropes and a cart. I wanted to tie him up properly and carry him off safe and alive. In this I succeeded completely.

### Glossary

- **commission**: an official position as an officer in the army.
- **flint**: a hard stone that makes sparks; old guns used it to fire.
- **cock**: the part of an old gun that holds the flint.
- **pan**: the small part of an old gun that holds the powder which starts the shot.
- **brace**: a pair (two), used for birds and animals in hunting.
- **couple**: two (in hunting).
- **widgeons, teals**: kinds of small wild duck.
- **presence of mind**: the ability to think quickly and calmly in danger.
- **Reynard**: an old name for a fox in stories.
- **brush**: a fox's tail.
- **hanger**: a short sword.
- **filial duty**: what a child must do for its parents.
- **tusks**: the long pointed teeth of a wild boar.

## Chapter IV

*Thoughts on Saint Hubert's stag—He shoots a stag with cherry-stones; its wonderful effects—He kills a bear with great skill; his danger is described with feeling—A wolf attacks him, and he turns it inside out—A mad dog attacks him, and he escapes—The Baron's cloak goes mad, and his whole wardrobe is thrown into confusion.*

I am sure you have heard of St. Hubert, the saint and protector of hunters and sportsmen. You have heard of the noble stag that appeared to him in the forest, with the holy cross between its antlers. Every year I have honoured that saint in good company. I have seen this stag a thousand times. I have seen it painted in churches, or sewn onto the stars worn by his knights. So, upon my honour and conscience as a good sportsman, I am not really sure about it. Perhaps there were such stags with crosses long ago. Perhaps there are such stags even today.

But let me rather tell you what I have seen myself. One day I had used up all my shot. Suddenly I found myself in front of a fine, tall stag. He looked at me quite calmly, as if he knew that my pouches were empty. At once I loaded my gun with powder. On top of it I put a good handful of cherry-stones. I had sucked the fruit off them as fast as I could in my hurry. Then I fired at him. I hit him right in the middle of the forehead, between his antlers. It stunned him. He staggered. Yet he ran away.

A year or two later I was in the same forest with a party of friends. There I saw a noble stag with a fine, full-grown cherry-tree between his antlers. It was more than ten feet high. At once I remembered my earlier adventure. I thought of him as my property. I brought him down with one shot. So at the same moment I got the haunch and the cherry-sauce! The tree was covered with the richest fruit. I had never tasted anything like it before.

Who knows? Perhaps some passionate holy sportsman shot the cross into the antlers of St. Hubert's stag. Perhaps a hunting abbot or bishop planted it there in this same way. Such men always have been famous for planting crosses and antlers, and they still are. And keen sportsmen often find themselves in trouble or in a difficult position. Then a man will grab at anything to save himself. He will try any trick rather than miss a good chance. I have often been in that hard situation myself.

For example, what do you say to this? One day in a Polish forest I had used up both my daylight and my powder. As I was going home, a terrible bear came at me very fast. His mouth was open, and he was ready to attack me. In an instant I searched all my pockets for powder and ball. But I found nothing except two spare flints. I threw one with all my strength into the monster's open jaws, right down his throat. It hurt him and made him turn round. So I could aim the second flint at his back door. I did so, with wonderful success. It flew in and met the first flint in his stomach. It struck fire and blew up the bear with a terrible explosion. I came out of it safely that time. But I would not like to try it again. Nor would I like to face bears with no other ammunition.

There is a kind of fate in it. The fiercest and most dangerous animals usually came at me when I had no weapons. It was as if they knew it, or felt it by instinct.

So it was with a frightful wolf. He rushed at me so suddenly and so close that I could do only one thing. I followed my instinct without thinking and pushed my fist into his open mouth. To be safe, I pushed further and further. In the end my arm was in right up to the shoulder. How could I get free? I was not very happy in this awkward position, face to face with a wolf. The looks we gave each other were not very pleasant. If I pulled my arm out, the animal would attack me even more furiously. I saw that in his flaming eyes. In short, I took hold of his tail. I turned him inside out like a glove. Then I threw him to the ground and left him there.

The same trick would not have worked against a mad dog. Soon after, one came running at me in a narrow street in St. Petersburg. "Run who can," I thought. To run better, I threw off my fur cloak. In an instant I was safe indoors. I sent my servant to fetch the cloak, and he put it in the wardrobe with my other clothes.

The next day Jack's shouting amazed and frightened me.

"For God's sake, sir, your fur cloak is mad!"

I hurried up to him. I found almost all my clothes thrown about and torn to pieces. The fellow was quite right in his fears about the fur cloak's madness. At that very moment I saw it myself. It was attacking a fine full-dress suit, shaking it and tossing it about without mercy.

### Glossary

- **stag**: a male deer.
- **antlers**: the large horns on a stag's head, shaped like branches.
- **pouches**: small bags for carrying shot and powder.
- **haunch**: the back leg of an animal, eaten as meat.
- **abbot**: the head of a group of monks.
- **flints**: hard stones that make sparks; old guns used them to fire.
- **ammunition**: the powder and shot that a gun fires.
- **wardrobe**: a large cupboard for clothes.
- **full-dress suit**: a man's very best, formal suit of clothes.

## Chapter V

*The effects of great activity and presence of mind—A favourite hound has pups while chasing a hare; the hare also gives birth while the hound chases her—Count Przobossky gives him a famous horse, and with it he does many extraordinary things.*

All these narrow and lucky escapes, gentlemen, were chances. I turned them to my advantage by presence of mind and strong effort. Everybody knows that these two things together make a lucky sportsman, sailor or soldier. But some sportsmen, admirals or generals always depend on chance and their lucky stars. They do not trouble to learn the arts of their own work. They do not get the very best tools, which make success certain. Such a man would be very foolish and much to blame.

I was never to blame in either way. I have always been famous for the excellence of my horses, dogs, guns and swords. I have been just as famous for the right way of using and handling them. So, all in all, I may hope to be remembered in the forest, on the race-course and on the battlefield.

I shall not describe my stables, my kennels or my weapons here. But I cannot help telling you about a favourite bitch of mine. She was a greyhound. I never had or saw a better one. She grew old in my service. She was not remarkable for her size, but for her very unusual speed. I always went coursing with her. If you had seen her, you would have admired her. You would not have wondered why I loved her so much and coursed with her so often. She ran so fast, so much and so long for me that in the end she actually ran her legs off! So in the last part of her life I could only use her as a terrier. She still served me well as a terrier for many years.

One day she was chasing a hare which seemed to me unusually big. I felt sorry for my poor bitch, because she was going to have pups soon. Yet she ran as fast as ever. I followed her on horseback, but only far behind. Suddenly I heard a cry like the cry of a pack of hounds. But it was so weak and faint that I hardly knew what to think of it. When I came up to them, I was greatly surprised. The hare had given birth to young ones while she was running. The same thing had happened to my bitch during the chase. There were exactly as many leverets as pups. By instinct the young hares ran, and the young dogs chased them. So at the end of a chase that had begun with only one hare, I suddenly had six hares and as many dogs.

I remember this wonderful bitch of mine with pleasure and tenderness. I remember a superb Lithuanian horse in the same way. No money could have bought him. He became mine by an accident. It gave me a chance to show my horsemanship at its very best.

I was staying at Count Przobossky's noble country-seat in Lithuania. I stayed with the ladies at tea in the drawing-room. Meanwhile the gentlemen went down into the yard. They wanted to see a young horse of good blood which had just arrived from the stud. Suddenly we heard cries of distress. I hurried downstairs. I found the horse so wild that nobody dared to go near him or get on his back. The boldest horsemen stood there, shocked and afraid. Every face showed that they had lost hope. Then, in one leap, I was on his back. I took him by surprise. With the best horsemanship I had, I made him quite gentle and obedient.

I wanted to show this fully to the ladies and save them unnecessary trouble. So I made him jump in through one of the open windows of the tea-room. I rode him round the room several times, at a walk, a trot and a gallop. At last I made him climb onto the tea-table. There he repeated his lessons in a pretty small style. This pleased the ladies very much. He did it amazingly well and did not break a single cup or saucer.

This raised me very high in the ladies' opinion. It also gave the noble Count a very good opinion of me. With his usual politeness, he begged me to accept this young horse. He wanted me to ride him at full speed to victory and honour in the coming war against the Turks. The campaign was soon to begin, under the command of Count Munich.

I could not have received a more welcome present. Nor could I have had a better sign of luck at the start of that campaign. It was my first training as a soldier. The horse was so gentle, so lively and so fierce—a lamb and a Bucephalus at once. He always made me think of the duty of a soldier and a gentleman! He made me think of young Alexander and the astonishing things he did in battle.

We went to war for several reasons, it seems. One of them was to restore the good name of the Russian army. It had been damaged a little by Czar Peter's last campaign on the Pruth. We did this completely, in several very tiring and glorious campaigns. They were under the command of that great general I mentioned before.

Modesty does not allow single men to claim great successes or victories for themselves. The glory usually goes to the commander. Or it goes, rather awkwardly, to kings and queens who never smelt gunpowder. They have smelt it only at the shows and parades of their troops. They have never seen a battlefield, or an enemy lined up for battle.

Nor do I claim any special share of glory in the great battles with the enemy. We all did our duty. In the language of the patriot, the soldier and the gentleman, "duty" is a very large word. It carries great honour and meaning. Most lazy gossips and coffee-house politicians can only have a very low and worthless idea of it.

However, I was given command of a body of hussars. I went on several expeditions with them, and I was free to decide for myself. I think the success I had then belongs fairly to me alone. It belongs to me and to the brave fellows whom I led to conquest and victory.

Once we had very hot fighting at the front of the army, when we drove the Turks into Oczakow. My lively Lithuanian horse almost got me into trouble. I was at a post far out in front. I saw the enemy coming against me in a cloud of dust. So I could not be sure how many they were or what they meant to do. To hide myself in a cloud of dust too would have been the sensible thing. But it would not have taught me much. Nor would it have done what I had been sent out to do. So I let my flankers on both sides spread out to the right and left. I told them to make as much dust as they could. I myself rode straight at the enemy to see them more closely.

In this I got what I wanted. The enemy stood and fought. But they feared my flankers, so they began to move away in some disorder. This was the moment to attack them hard. We broke them completely and did terrible damage among them. We drove them back to a walled town behind them. We even drove them right through it. This was far more than we had ever hoped for.

My Lithuanian was so fast that I was the first in the chase. I saw the enemy running away through the gate on the other side. So I thought it would be wise to stop in the market-place and call my men together there. I stopped, gentlemen. But imagine how astonished I was! In this market-place I saw not one of my hussars around me! Were they searching the other streets? What had happened to them? They could not be far away. In any case, they must join me soon.

While I waited, I walked my panting Lithuanian to a spring in the market-place and let him drink. He drank an unusual amount. He drank so eagerly that he could not be satisfied. But this was natural enough. I looked round for my men, and what did I see, gentlemen? The back part of the poor animal was missing! His croup and his back legs were gone, as if he had been cut in two. The water ran out as fast as it went in. It did not refresh him or do him any good!

I could not understand how it had happened. Then I went back with him to the town gate. There I saw what had happened. I had rushed in among the running enemy in great confusion. Then they had dropped the portcullis without my noticing. (That is a heavy falling gate with sharp spikes at the bottom. It is dropped suddenly to stop an enemy from entering a town with walls.) It had cut off his whole back part. That part was still lying outside the gate, and it was still shaking.

It would have been a loss that nothing could repair. But our farrier managed to join the two parts together while they were still warm. He sewed them up with sprigs and young shoots of laurel that were close at hand. The wound healed. And then something happened that could only happen to such a glorious horse. The sprigs took root in his body. They grew up and formed a bower over me. So afterwards I could go on many other expeditions in the shade of my own and my horse's laurels.

### Glossary

- **presence of mind**: the ability to think quickly and calmly in danger.
- **coursing**: hunting hares with fast dogs that chase them.
- **terrier**: a small dog used to hunt animals that live in holes.
- **leverets**: young hares.
- **stud**: a farm where horses are bred.
- **Bucephalus**: the famous horse of Alexander the Great.
- **hussars**: soldiers in the light cavalry.
- **flankers**: soldiers who ride at the sides of a group.
- **croup**: the back part of a horse, above its back legs.
- **portcullis**: a heavy gate with spikes that drops down to close a town gate.
- **farrier**: a man who shoes horses and treats them.
- **laurels**: bushes with shiny leaves; also a sign of victory and glory.
- **bower**: a shady place under branches.

## Chapter VI

*The Baron is made a prisoner of war and sold as a slave—He keeps the Sultan's bees, and two bears attack them—He loses one of his bees; he throws a silver hatchet at the bears, and it flies up to the moon; he brings it back by a clever invention; he falls to the earth on his way back and gets himself out of a pit—He gets past a carriage which meets his in a narrow road, in a way never tried before or since—The wonderful effects of the frost on his servant's French horn.*

I was not always successful. Once I had the bad luck to be beaten by greater numbers and made a prisoner of war. What was worse, I was sold as a slave. This was always the custom among the Turks. \[The Baron was later in great favour with the Grand Seignior, as you will see.\]

In that shameful state my daily work was not very hard or tiring. But it was rather strange and annoying. Every morning I had to drive the Sultan's bees to their fields. I had to watch them all day long. In the evening I had to drive them back to their hives.

One evening I found that a bee was missing. Soon I saw that two bears had attacked her. They wanted to tear her to pieces for the honey she was carrying. I had nothing like a weapon in my hands except the silver hatchet. It is the badge of the Sultan's gardeners and farmers. I threw it at the robbers. I meant to frighten them away and set the poor bee free. But I turned my arm in an unlucky way. The hatchet flew upwards. It kept on rising until it reached the moon.

How could I get it back? How could I fetch it down again? I remembered that Turkey-beans grow very fast and climb to an astonishing height. At once I planted one. It grew, and it really fixed itself to one of the moon's horns. Now I only had to climb up it into the moon. I arrived there safely. Then I had a lot of trouble finding my silver hatchet. It was not easy, because in that place everything shines like silver. But at last I found it in a heap of chaff and chopped straw.

Now I wanted to go back. But alas! The heat of the sun had dried up my bean. It was quite useless for climbing down. So I set to work. I twisted a rope out of that chopped straw. I made it as long and as good as I could. I tied it to one of the moon's horns and slid down to the end of it.

There I held on tight with my left hand. With the hatchet in my right hand I cut off the long top part, which was now useless. I tied it to the bottom end. This took me a good deal lower. I did this again and again. But all this cutting and tying did not make the rope any better. Nor did it bring me down to the Sultan's farm. I was at least four or five miles from the earth when the rope broke.

I fell to the ground with amazing force. I was stunned. I found myself in a hole at least nine fathoms deep. The weight of my body had made it, falling from such a great height. I came to my senses, but I did not know how to get out again. However, I dug slopes or steps with my fingernails. \[The Baron's nails were then of forty years' growth.\] In this way I got out easily.

Soon after that, peace was made with the Turks, and I was set free. I left St. Petersburg at the time of that singular revolution. Then the emperor in his cradle, his mother, the Duke of Brunswick, her father, Field-Marshal Munich and many others were sent to Siberia. That winter was so unusually hard all over Europe that ever since, the sun seems to be frost-bitten. On my way back from that place, I had greater troubles on the road than I had on my way there.

I travelled post. I found myself in a narrow lane. So I told the postillion to give a signal with his horn. In that way other travellers would not meet us in the narrow passage. He blew with all his strength, but it was no use. He could not make the horn sound. This was strange, and rather unlucky. Soon after, we found ourselves in front of another coach coming the other way. We could not go on.

However, I got out of my carriage. I am quite strong, so I lifted it, wheels and all, onto my head. Then I jumped over a hedge into a field. The hedge was about nine feet high. With the weight of the coach, this was rather difficult. Then with another jump I came out again onto the road, beyond the other carriage.

Next I went back for the horses. I put one on my head and the other under my left arm. In the same way I brought them to my coach. I harnessed them and drove on to an inn at the end of our stage.

I should have told you something. The horse under my arm was very lively and not more than four years old. When I made my second jump over the hedge, he showed that he did not like this violent kind of movement. He kicked and snorted. So I held his back legs still by putting them into my coat-pocket.

When we arrived at the inn, my postillion and I had something to eat and drink. He hung his horn on a peg near the kitchen fire. I sat on the other side.

Suddenly we heard a *tereng! tereng! teng! teng!* We looked round. Now we found out why the postillion had not been able to sound his horn. His tunes had frozen inside the horn! Now they were thawing and coming out, quite clearly. This did the driver great credit. So the honest fellow entertained us for some time with many different tunes. He did not even put his mouth to the horn. We heard "The King of Prussia's March," "Over the Hill and over the Dale," and many other favourite tunes. At last the thawing concert came to an end. And so shall this short account of my Russian travels.

*Some travellers tend to say more than is perhaps strictly true. If any of you here doubt my veracity, I shall only say this to them. I pity their lack of faith. I must ask them to leave before I begin the second part of my adventures. These are just as strictly based on fact as the ones I have already told you.*

### Glossary

- **Grand Seignior**: the Sultan of Turkey.
- **hatchet**: a small axe.
- **badge**: a sign that shows what job or group a person belongs to.
- **chaff**: the dry outer parts of grain, left after threshing.
- **fathoms**: a measure of depth; one fathom is six feet (about 1.8 metres).
- **singular revolution**: here, the sudden change of rulers in Russia in 1741.
- **frost-bitten**: hurt by great cold; here, a joke that the sun has never been warm since.
- **travel post**: travel with hired horses that are changed at each stop.
- **postillion**: a man who rides one of the horses pulling a coach.
- **stage**: one part of a journey, between two places where horses are changed.
- **thawing**: becoming warmer, so that ice melts.
- **veracity**: truthfulness; always telling the truth.

## Chapter VII

*The Baron tells of his adventures on a voyage to North America, which are well worth the reader's attention—Tricks played by a whale—A sea-gull saves a sailor's life—The Baron's head is forced into his stomach—A dangerous leak is stopped à posteriori.*

I went on board a first-rate English man-of-war at Portsmouth. She had one hundred guns and fourteen hundred men, and she was sailing for North America. Nothing worth telling happened until we were within three hundred leagues of the river St. Laurence. Then the ship hit something with amazing force. We thought it was a rock. But when we dropped the lead to measure the depth, we could find no bottom, even at three hundred fathom.

This made the event even more wonderful. Indeed, nobody could understand it at all. The shock was so violent that we lost our rudder. Our bowsprit broke in the middle. All our masts split from top to bottom, and two of them fell overboard. A poor fellow was up the mast, rolling up the mainsheet. He was thrown at least three leagues from the ship. But luckily he saved his life. He caught hold of the tail of a large sea-gull. The bird brought him back and set him down on the very spot he had been thrown from.

Here is another proof of the violence of the shock. The people between decks were thrown up against the floors above them. My own head was pressed down into my stomach. It stayed there for some months before it went back to its natural place.

We were all astonished at this general confusion, which nobody could explain. Then suddenly everything was explained. A large whale appeared. He had been lying asleep in the sun, within sixteen feet of the surface of the water. The animal was very angry about the trouble our ship had caused him. As we passed, our rudder had scratched his nose. So he beat in all the gallery and part of the quarter-deck with his tail. Almost at the same moment he took the mainsheet anchor between his teeth. It was hanging, as usual, from the head of the ship. Then he ran away with the ship for at least sixty leagues, at the rate of twelve leagues an hour. Luckily the cable broke, and we lost both the whale and the anchor.

However, some months later we were going back to Europe. Within a few leagues of the same spot, we found the same whale floating dead on the water. He measured more than half a mile in length. We could only take a small part of such a huge animal on board. So we got our boats out, and with great difficulty we cut off his head. There, to our great joy, we found the anchor, with more than forty fathom of the cable. They were hidden on the left side of his mouth, just under his tongue. \[Perhaps this was the cause of his death. That side of his tongue was very swollen and badly inflamed.\]

This was the only extraordinary thing that happened on this voyage. But I almost forgot one part of our trouble. While the whale was running away with the ship, she sprang a leak. The water poured in so fast that all our pumps could not stop us sinking. But I had the good luck to find the leak first. It was a large hole, about a foot in diameter. You will naturally guess that this memory gives me endless pleasure. This noble ship was saved, with all her crew, by a most lucky thought! In short, I sat down over the hole. I could have managed even if it had been larger. And you will not be surprised at this when I tell you that I am descended from Dutch parents. \[The Baron's family only settled there quite recently. In another part of his adventures he boasts of royal blood.\]

While I sat there, my position was rather cool. But the carpenter's skill soon set me free.

### Glossary

- **à posteriori**: (Latin) "from what comes after"; here also a joke meaning "from behind", because he stops the leak by sitting on it.
- **leak**: a hole that lets water in.
- **first-rate**: of the largest and strongest class of warship.
- **man-of-war**: a large warship.
- **league**: an old measure of distance, about three miles (about 5 km).
- **lead**: a heavy piece of metal on a rope, dropped into the sea to measure how deep it is.
- **fathom**: a measure of depth; one fathom is six feet (about 1.8 metres).
- **rudder**: the flat part at the back of a ship used to steer.
- **bowsprit**: the long pole at the front of a sailing ship.
- **mainsheet**: here, the ship's main sail.
- **gallery**: a kind of balcony at the back of an old warship.
- **quarter-deck**: the raised back part of a ship's top deck, where the officers stand.
- **cable**: a very thick, strong rope, here holding the anchor.
- **descended from Dutch parents**: a joke: people said the Dutch had very large bottoms.

## Chapter VIII

*He bathes in the Mediterranean—Meets an unexpected companion—Arrives by accident in a place of heat and darkness, and gets out of it by dancing a hornpipe—Frightens the men who free him, and returns to the shore.*

Once, in the Mediterranean, I was in great danger of being lost in a most unusual way. One summer afternoon I was bathing in that pleasant sea near Marseilles. Suddenly I saw a very large fish coming towards me at great speed. His jaws were wide open. There was no time to lose, and I could not possibly escape him. At once I made myself as small as I could. I put my feet together and held my hands close to my sides. In this position I passed straight between his jaws and into his stomach. There I stayed for some time in total darkness. I was comfortably warm, as you may imagine.

At last I had an idea. If I gave him pain, he would be glad to get rid of me. I had plenty of room, so I played my tricks. I tumbled about, I did the hop, step and jump, and so on. But nothing seemed to trouble him as much as my quick feet. I was trying to dance a hornpipe. Soon after I began, he threw me off my steps with sudden jerks and starts. I kept going. At last he gave a horrible roar. He stood up in the water, almost straight, with his head and shoulders out of it. So the people on board an Italian trading ship saw him as they sailed by. They harpooned him in a few minutes.

As soon as he was brought on board, I heard the crew talking. They were discussing how to cut him up so that they could save the most oil. I understood Italian, so I was terribly afraid. Their knives might kill me too while they did this work. So I stood as near the centre as I could. There was room enough for a dozen men in this creature's stomach. I naturally thought they would begin at the ends. However, my fears soon went away, because they began by opening the bottom of the belly. As soon as I saw a faint light, I called out loudly. I asked them to let me out, because by now I was almost suffocated.

I cannot properly describe the astonishment on every face. They heard a human voice coming out of a fish! They were even more astonished to see a naked man walk upright out of its body. In short, gentlemen, I told them the whole story, as I have told it to you. Meanwhile amazement struck them dumb.

After I had eaten and drunk something, I jumped into the sea to clean myself. Then I swam to my clothes, which were still lying on the shore where I had left them. As near as I can calculate, I spent nearly four and a half hours shut up in this animal's stomach.

### Glossary

- **hornpipe**: a fast, lively dance that sailors liked.
- **unexpected companion**: here, the very large fish he meets.
- **tumbled**: rolled over and over, like an acrobat.
- **hop, step and jump**: a jumping game or sport, like the modern triple jump.
- **jerks and starts**: sudden, quick movements.
- **harpooned**: hit with a harpoon, a spear on a rope used for catching whales and big fish.
- **oil**: here, the oil that comes from the fish's body.
- **suffocated**: unable to breathe because there is no air.
- **struck them dumb**: surprised them so much that they could not speak.

## Chapter IX

*Adventures in Turkey and on the river Nile—He sees a balloon over Constantinople, shoots at it and brings it down, and finds a French experimental philosopher hanging from it—He goes on an embassy to Grand Cairo and comes back on the Nile, where he is thrown into an unexpected situation and kept there for six weeks.*

When I was in the service of the Turks, I often amused myself in a pleasure-barge on the Marmora. From there you can see the whole city of Constantinople, including the Grand Seignior's Seraglio. One morning I was admiring the beauty and calm of the sky. Then I saw a round object in the air. It seemed to be about the size of a twelve-inch globe, and something was hanging from it. At once I took up my largest fowling-piece, the one with the longest barrel. I never travel without it, or even make a short trip without it, if I can help it. I loaded it with a ball and fired at the globe. But it was no use, because the object was too far away. Then I put in a double quantity of powder and five or six balls. This second try was a success. All the balls hit it. They tore one side open and brought it down. Imagine my surprise! A most elegant gilded car fell within two yards of me. There was a man in it, and part of a sheep that seemed to have been roasted. When my astonishment had calmed down a little, I told my men to row close to this strange traveller of the air.

I took him on board my barge. He was a native of France. He was quite ill after his sudden fall into the sea, and he could not speak. After some time, however, he recovered. Then he told us his story, namely this:

"I went up about seven or eight days ago. I cannot tell which, because I have lost count. Most of the time I have been where the sun never sets. I went up from Land's End in Cornwall, in the island of Great Britain. I was in the car you have just taken me from, and it hung from a very large balloon. I took a sheep with me, to do experiments on the air. Unfortunately, the wind changed within ten minutes after I went up. I meant to land at Exeter. But instead of going there, I was driven towards the sea. I suppose I have been over it ever since. But I was much too high to observe anything.

"I was so terribly hungry that I had to give up my planned experiments on heat and breathing. On the third day I had to kill the sheep for food. At that time I was far, far above the moon. And for more than sixteen hours afterwards I was so near the sun that it burned my eyebrows. First I took care to skin the sheep. Then I put the body in the part of the car where the sun was strong enough. In other words, I put it where the balloon did not shade it from the sun. In this way it was well roasted in about two hours. This has been my food ever since."

Here he stopped. He seemed lost in looking at the things around him. I told him that the buildings in front of us were the Grand Seignior's Seraglio at Constantinople. This moved him very deeply, because he had thought he was in a very different place.

"The cause of my long flight," he added, "was a broken string. It was fixed to a valve in the balloon, which was meant to let out the inflammable air. But the balloon was fired at and torn, as I have described. If that had not happened, I might have hung between heaven and earth until doomsday, like Mahomet."

The Imperial, Russian and French ambassadors introduced me to the Grand Seignior. He gave me a very important matter to settle at Grand Cairo. It was of such a kind that it must always remain a secret.

I travelled there by land, in great state. When I had finished the business, I sent away almost all my attendants. Then I travelled back like a private gentleman. The weather was lovely, and that famous river, the Nile, was more beautiful than words can describe. In short, I could not resist. I hired a barge to go down the river to Alexandria.

On the third day of my voyage the river began to rise in the most amazing way. (I suppose you have all heard of the yearly flooding of the Nile.) On the next day it covered the whole country for many leagues on each side! On the fifth day, at sunrise, my barge got caught in what I first took for bushes. But as the light grew stronger, I saw that I was surrounded by almonds. They were perfectly ripe and of the very best quality. My men measured the depth with a line. They found we were at least sixty feet above the ground, and we could not move forwards or backwards.

At about eight or nine o'clock the wind rose suddenly. I judged the time as well as I could by the height of the sun. The wind tipped our barge over on one side. There she filled with water, and for some time I did not see her again. Luckily we all saved ourselves by holding on to the tree. We were six men and two boys. The branches could hold our weight, but not the weight of the barge. We stayed like this for six weeks and three days, and we lived on the almonds. I need not tell you that we had plenty of water.

On the forty-second day of our trouble, the water fell as fast as it had risen. On the forty-sixth day we were able to climb down onto *terra firma*. The first pleasant thing we saw was our barge. She was about two hundred yards from the spot where she had sunk. We dried everything useful in the heat of the sun. We loaded ourselves with things we needed from the stores on board. Then we set out to get back the ground we had lost. We worked out that we had been carried more than one hundred and fifty miles. On the way we had passed over garden walls and many kinds of enclosures.

After four days of a very tiring walk in thin shoes, we reached the river. It was now back inside its banks. We told our adventures to a boy. He kindly gave us everything we needed, and he sent us on in a barge of his own. Six days later we arrived at Alexandria. There we took a ship for Constantinople. The Grand Seignior received me kindly. I had the honour of seeing the Seraglio, and his highness himself showed me round it.

### Glossary

- **pleasure-barge**: a flat boat used for trips on calm water, for enjoyment.
- **Grand Seignior**: the Sultan of Turkey.
- **Seraglio**: the Sultan's palace.
- **fowling-piece**: a long gun for shooting birds.
- **gilded car**: here, the basket or seat under a balloon, covered with a thin layer of gold.
- **experimental philosopher**: an old name for a scientist who does experiments.
- **embassy**: a journey made for a ruler to talk about important business with others.
- **inflammable air**: a light gas that burns easily (hydrogen), used in balloons.
- **like Mahomet**: an old story said that the coffin of the Prophet Mahomet floated in the air.
- **doomsday**: the end of the world.
- **terra firma**: (Latin) dry land.
- **enclosures**: pieces of land with walls or fences round them.

## Chapter X

*He visits his old friend General Elliot during the siege of Gibraltar—Sinks a Spanish man-of-war—Wakes an old woman on the African coast—Destroys all the enemy's cannon; frightens the Count d'Artois and sends him to Paris—Saves the lives of two English spies with the very same sling that killed Goliath; and raises the siege.*

During the late siege of Gibraltar I went there with a provision-fleet under Lord Rodney's command. I wanted to see my old friend General Elliot. His famous defence of that place has won him laurels that can never fade. Old friends are always very happy when they meet. When our first joy had calmed down, I went to examine the state of the garrison and to watch what the enemy were doing. The General came with me for this purpose.

I had brought an excellent refracting telescope with me from London. I had bought it from Dollond. With its help I saw what the enemy were doing. They were going to fire a thirty-six pounder at the spot where we stood. I told the General what they were about to do. He looked through the glass too, and he found that my guess was right. At once, with his permission, I ordered a forty-eight pounder to be brought from a battery nearby. I placed it with great exactness, because I had studied the art of gunnery for a long time. So I was sure I would hit my mark.

I went on watching the enemy until I saw the match put to the touch-hole of their gun. At that very moment I gave the signal for our gun to be fired too.

About halfway between the two cannon, the balls hit each other with amazing force. The effect was astonishing! The enemy's ball flew back with great violence. It killed the man who had fired it, by carrying his head clean off. It killed sixteen other men too, whom it met on its way to the Barbary coast. There it passed through three masts of ships that lay in a line, one behind the other, in the harbour. After that its force was almost used up. It only broke through the roof of a poor labourer's hut, about two hundred yards inland. There an old woman lay asleep on her back with her mouth open. The ball knocked out the few teeth she had left, and it stuck in her throat. Soon afterwards her husband came home. He tried to pull it out, but he found that this was impossible. So with the help of a rammer he pushed it down into her stomach.

Our ball did excellent work. First it drove back the other ball, as I have just described. Then it went on, just as I had planned. It knocked the enemy's cannon off its stand, the same gun that had just been fired at us. It drove the gun down into the hold of the ship. The gun fell with such force that it broke through the bottom. The ship filled with water at once and sank. More than a thousand Spanish sailors were on board, and a large number of soldiers as well.

This was certainly a most extraordinary deed. But I will not take all the credit for myself. My judgement was the main cause, but chance helped me a little. I found out later that the man who loaded our forty-eight pounder had made a mistake. He had put in a double quantity of powder. Without this we could never have done so much better than we expected. This is especially true of driving back the enemy's ball.

General Elliot wanted to give me a commission for this unusual service. But I refused everything except his thanks. I received them that very evening at supper, at a table crowded with officers.

I like the English very much, and they are without any doubt a brave people. So I decided not to leave the garrison until I had done them another service. In about three weeks a chance came. I dressed myself as a *Popish priest*. At about one o'clock in the morning I crept out of the garrison. I passed the enemy's lines and arrived in the middle of their camp. There I went into the tent where the Prince d'Artois was. The commander-in-chief and several other officers were with him. They were in deep discussion, making a plan to attack the garrison the next morning. My disguise protected me. They let me stay there and hear everything that was said, until they all went to their beds.

Soon the whole camp was asleep, even the sentinels. They were all wrapped up in the arms of Morpheus. Then I began my work. I took all their cannon off their carriages, more than three hundred pieces, from forty-eight to twenty-four pounders. I threw them three leagues into the sea. I had no help, so I found this the hardest task I ever did. Only one task was harder: swimming to the opposite shore with the famous Turkish cannon. Baron de Tott describes it in his Memoirs, and I shall tell you about it later.

Then I piled all the gun-carriages together in the centre of the camp. I carried them in pairs under my arms, so that nobody would hear the noise of the wheels. They made a fine sight. The pile was at least as high as the rock of Gibraltar. Next I lit a match. There was a flint stone in an old wall, twenty feet above the ground. The Moors had built the wall when they invaded Spain. I struck the flint with the breech of an iron forty-eight pounder. In this way I lit the match and set fire to the whole pile. I forgot to tell you that I had thrown all their ammunition-waggons on top.

Before I put the lighted match to it, I had laid the things that burn at the bottom very cleverly. So the whole pile was in flames in a moment. I did not want anyone to suspect me, so I was one of the first to show my surprise. The whole camp, as you can imagine, was frozen with astonishment. They all decided that their sentinels had been bribed. They believed that seven or eight regiments from the garrison had done this terrible destruction of their guns.

Mr. Drinkwater wrote an account of this famous siege. He says that the enemy suffered a great loss from a fire in their camp. But he never knew the cause. How could he? I have never told it to anyone before, not even to General Elliot. And yet I alone saved Gibraltar by this night's work.

The Count d'Artois and all his people ran away in their fright. They never stopped on the road until they reached Paris, which took them about a fortnight. This dreadful fire had such an effect on them that for three months afterwards they could not eat anything at all. Like chameleons, they lived on the air.

*If any gentleman says he doubts the truth of this story, I will fine him a gallon of brandy, and make him drink it all in one go.*

About two months had passed since I had done this service for the besieged garrison. One morning I was sitting at breakfast with General Elliot. Suddenly a shell came into the room where we were sitting. (I had not had time to destroy their mortars as well as their cannon.) It landed on our table. The General left the room at once, as most men would do. But I picked up the shell before it burst. I carried it to the top of the rock. From there I looked over the enemy's camp. On a hill near the coast I saw a large number of people. But with my naked eye I could not see what they were doing. So I used my telescope again. Then I saw two of our officers, one a general and the other a colonel. I had spent the evening before with them. At about midnight they had gone out into the enemy's camp as spies. Now they had been caught, and they were just about to be hanged on a gibbet.

The distance was too great to throw the shell by hand. But luckily I remembered that I had a sling in my pocket. It was the very sling that helped David to kill Goliath. I put the shell in it and threw it at once into the middle of the crowd. It burst as it fell and killed everyone there, except the two prisoners. They were saved because they were hanging so high, for they had just been turned off. However, one piece of the shell flew hard against the foot of the gibbet. It hit it with such force that the gibbet fell down at once.

As soon as our two friends felt *terra firma* under them, they looked around for the cause. They found that their guards, the hangman and all, had taken it into their heads to die first. So at once they freed each other from their shameful ropes. Then they ran down to the shore. They seized a Spanish boat with two men in it and made them row to one of our ships. They got there quite safely. A few minutes later I was telling General Elliot what I had done. Just then they both came and shook us by the hand. We all congratulated each other, and then we went off to spend the day in celebration.

### Glossary

- **siege**: when an army surrounds a town or fort for a long time to capture it.
- **garrison**: the soldiers who defend a fort or town; also the fort itself.
- **laurels**: leaves of the laurel bush, an old sign of victory; here, glory.
- **pounder**: a cannon named by the weight of its ball, for example a forty-eight pounder.
- **battery**: a place where several big guns stand together.
- **touch-hole**: the small hole in an old cannon where the fire is put to make it shoot.
- **rammer**: a long stick for pushing the powder and ball down into a cannon.
- **commission**: an officer's rank in the army.
- **Popish priest**: an old, unfriendly English name for a Catholic priest.
- **in the arms of Morpheus**: asleep (Morpheus was the god of sleep and dreams).
- **breech**: the back end of a gun.
- **chameleons**: small lizards; people once believed that they ate nothing but air.
- **shell**: a hollow cannon ball that explodes.
- **mortars**: short cannon that fire shells high into the air.
- **gibbet**: a wooden frame for hanging criminals.
- **turned off**: dropped from the gibbet to be hanged.

## Chapter XI

*An interesting account of the Baron's ancestors—A quarrel about the spot where Noah built his ark—The history of the sling, and its powers—A favourite poet appears, on a not very respectable occasion—Queen Elizabeth goes without food—The Baron's father crosses from England to Holland on a marine horse, which he sells for seven hundred ducats.*

I can see by your faces what you want to know. How did I come to own such a treasure as this sling? (Here facts must be held sacred.) This is how it happened. I am descended from the wife of Uriah. We all know that David was intimate with her. She had several children by his majesty. Once they quarrelled about a matter of the greatest importance. It was the question of the spot where Noah's ark was built, and where it rested after the flood. So they separated.

She had often heard him say that this sling was his most valuable treasure. She stole it on the night they parted. It was missed before she got out of his kingdom. No fewer than six of the king's bodyguards chased her. But she used the sling herself. She hit the first of them, because one was quicker in the chase than the rest. She hit him in the same place where David hit Goliath, and killed him on the spot. His companions were so frightened by his fall that they turned back. They left Uriah's wife to go on with her journey.

I should have told you before that she took her favourite son by David with her. She left the sling to him. So it has passed from father to son, without a break, until it came to me.

One of its owners was my great-great-great-grandfather. He lived about two hundred and fifty years ago. He once visited England, and there he became close friends with a poet. This poet was a great deer-stealer. I think his name was Shakespeare. He often borrowed this sling. With it he killed a great many of Sir Thomas Lucy's deer. Because of this he only just escaped the fate of my two friends at Gibraltar. Poor Shakespeare was put in prison. My ancestor got him his freedom in a very unusual way.

Queen Elizabeth was on the throne then. But she had grown so lazy that every little thing was a trouble to her. Dressing, undressing, eating, drinking, and some other duties which shall not be named made her life a burden. My ancestor made it possible for her to do without all these things, or to have them done by a deputy! And what do you think was the only reward she could persuade him to accept for such great services? To set Shakespeare free! He loved that famous writer very much. He would have shortened his own life to lengthen his friend's.

I do not hear that the queen's subjects much approved of her living completely without food. This was especially true of the *beef-eaters*, as they are commonly called to this day. They may have been struck by the newness of the idea at the time. But she herself did not survive the practice for more than seven years and a half.

My father owned this sling just before me. He told me the following story:—

He was walking by the sea-shore at Harwich, with this sling in his pocket. Before he had walked a mile, a fierce animal called a seahorse attacked him. It ran at him with its mouth open and with great fury. He waited a moment. Then he took out his sling and stepped back about a hundred yards. There were plenty of pebbles under his feet, and he bent down for a couple of them. He threw them both at the animal with such skill that each stone put out an eye. Each one stayed in the empty hole where the eye had been.

Then he got onto the animal's back and drove it into the sea. The moment it lost its sight, it also stopped being fierce, and it became as tame as possible. He put the sling in its mouth as a bridle. He guided it across the sea with the greatest ease. In less than three hours they both arrived on the opposite shore, which is about thirty leagues away. The master of the *Three Cups* at Helvoetsluys, in Holland, bought this marine horse to show it for money. He paid seven hundred ducats, which was more than three hundred pounds. The next day my father paid for his passage back to Harwich in the packet-boat.

*—My father noticed several curious things on this crossing. I will tell you about them later.*

### Glossary

- **ancestors**: the people in your family who lived long before you.
- **intimate with**: here, having a love affair with someone.
- **deer-stealer**: a person who kills and takes deer from someone else's land.
- **the fate of my two friends at Gibraltar**: being hanged, which nearly happened to the two spies in Chapter X.
- **other duties which shall not be named**: a polite way of saying "going to the toilet".
- **deputy**: a person who does a job for someone else.
- **beef-eaters**: the royal guards of England; the joke is that they love eating, so they did not like a queen who ate nothing.
- **seahorse**: here, a big, wild sea animal (not the small fish).
- **marine horse**: another name for the seahorse; "marine" means "of the sea".
- **bridle**: the straps on a horse's head that a rider uses to guide it.
- **Three Cups**: the name of an inn.
- **ducats**: old gold coins.
- **packet-boat**: a boat that carried mail and passengers on a regular route.

## Chapter XII

*The frolic and what came of it—Windsor Castle—St. Paul's—The College of Physicians—Undertakers, sextons, etc., almost ruined—How hard the apothecaries worked.*

THE FROLIC.

This famous sling makes its owner able to do any task he wishes to do.

I made a balloon so huge that nobody would believe how much silk was in it. Every mercer's shop and every weaver's stock in London, Westminster and Spitalfields gave something to it. With this balloon and my sling I played many tricks. For example, I took one house from its place and put another one there instead. I did this without disturbing the people who lived in them. They were usually asleep, or too busy to notice that their houses were travelling.

The sentinel at Windsor Castle once heard St. Paul's clock strike thirteen. That was thanks to my skill. That night I brought the two buildings close together. I put the castle down in St. George's Fields. Then I carried it back again before daylight, without waking any of the people inside. In spite of these deeds, I would have kept my balloon and its powers a secret. But Montgolfier had made the art of flying so public.

On the 30th of September the College of Physicians chose their officers for the year. On that day they had a grand dinner together. I filled my balloon and brought it over the dome of their building. I tied the sling round the golden ball at the top, and I fastened the other end to the balloon. At once I went up with the whole college to an enormous height. I kept them there for more than three months.

You will naturally ask what they did for food all that time. This is my answer. If I had kept them up there twice as long, they would have had no problem with food. They had laid their table so richly, or rather so wastefully, for that day's feast.

This was meant as an innocent joke. But it did much harm to some respectable clergymen, undertakers, sextons and grave-diggers. It must be admitted that they suffered. For those three months the college was hanging up in the air, so the doctors could not visit their patients. It is a well-known fact that during that time nobody died, except a few who fell before the scythe of Father Time. And there were some sad people who killed themselves. Perhaps they wanted to escape some small trouble here. So, without a moment's thought, they took this rash step. In this way they threw themselves into a misery far greater than the one they hoped to avoid.

If the apothecaries had not been very busy during that time, half the undertakers would probably have gone bankrupt.

### Glossary

- **frolic**: a playful joke or trick.
- **mercer**: a person who sells silk and other fine cloth.
- **weaver**: a person who makes cloth.
- **sentinel**: a soldier who stands guard.
- **Montgolfier**: the French brothers who flew the first hot-air balloons in 1783.
- **College of Physicians**: the society of the leading doctors in London.
- **undertakers**: people who arrange funerals.
- **sextons**: men who look after a church and dig graves.
- **fell before the scythe of Father Time**: died of old age (Father Time is an old man who carries a scythe, a big blade for cutting grass).
- **apothecaries**: an old kind of chemist who made medicines and also treated sick people.
- **bankrupt**: having no money left to pay what you owe.

## Chapter XIII

### A TRIP TO THE NORTH

*The Baron sails with Captain Phipps, attacks two large bears, and has a very narrow escape—He wins the trust of these animals, and then kills thousands of them; he loads the ship with their hams and skins; he gives the hams away as presents, and gets a general invitation to all the city's feasts—A quarrel between the Captain and the Baron, in which, out of politeness, the Captain is allowed to win—The Baron refuses the offer of a throne, with an empress included.*

We all remember Captain Phipps's last voyage of discovery to the north. (He is now Lord Mulgrave.) I went with the captain, not as an officer, but as a private friend. We arrived in a high northern latitude. There I was looking around me through my telescope. It is the one I told you about in my Gibraltar adventures. I thought I saw two large white bears moving about violently on a mass of ice. It was much higher than the masts, and about half a league away. At once I took my carbine, slung it over my shoulder, and climbed up the ice.

When I got to the top, the surface was very uneven. This made my way to those animals more difficult and dangerous than I can say. Sometimes horrible holes were in my way, and I had to jump over them. In other places the surface was as smooth as a mirror, and I kept falling. When I came near enough to reach them, I found that they were only playing. At once I began to calculate the value of their skins. Each of them was as large as a well-fed ox.

Unfortunately, at the very moment I was aiming my carbine, my right foot slipped. I fell on my back. The blow was so violent that I lost my senses completely for nearly half an hour. When I came to myself, imagine my surprise! One of those large animals had turned me over onto my face. He was just taking hold of the waistband of my breeches, which were new then and made of leather. He was certainly going to carry me off feet first, God knows where. But I took this knife (showing a large clasp knife) out of my side-pocket. I struck at one of his back feet and cut off three of his toes. He dropped me at once and roared most horribly. I picked up my carbine and fired at him as he ran away. He fell down dead at once.

The noise of the gun woke several thousand of these white bears. They had been asleep on the ice within half a mile of me. They came to the spot at once. There was no time to lose. Just at that moment a most lucky thought arrived in my pericranium. I took off the dead bear's skin and head. I did it in half the time some people need to skin a rabbit. I wrapped myself in the skin, and I put my own head right under Bruin's. The whole herd came round me at once. My fear put me in a most pitiful state, of course. However, my plan turned out to be an excellent one for my own safety.

They all came and sniffed me, and clearly they took me for a brother Bruin. I only needed more size to be a perfect copy. However, I saw several cubs among them that were not much bigger than I was. They all sniffed me and the body of their dead companion, whose skin now protected me. After that we seemed very friendly. I found I could copy all their actions quite well. But at growling, roaring and hugging they were much better than I was.

Now I began to think about the trust I had won among these animals. Perhaps I could use it to my own advantage.

I had once heard an old army surgeon say that a wound in the spine meant instant death. Now I decided to try the experiment. Again I used my knife. I struck the largest bear in the back of the neck, near the shoulders. But I was very afraid. I had no doubt that the creature would tear me to pieces if he survived the stab. However, I was remarkably lucky. He fell dead at my feet without making the smallest noise. Now I decided to kill every one of them in the same way. I did it without the least difficulty. They saw their companions fall, but they did not suspect either the cause or the effect. When they all lay dead in front of me, I felt like a second Samson. Like him, I had killed my thousands.

To make the story short, I went back to the ship. I borrowed three parts of the crew to help me skin the bears and carry the hams on board. We did this in a few hours, and we loaded the ship with them. The other parts of the animals were thrown into the sea. But I have no doubt that the whole bear would taste as good as the legs, if it were properly cured.

As soon as we came home, I sent some of the hams, in the captain's name, to the Lords of Admiralty. I sent others to the Lords of the Treasury, and some to the Lord Mayor and Corporation of London. I sent a few to each of the trading companies, and the rest to my particular friends. All of them thanked me warmly. But the city honoured me with a more solid reward. It invited me to dine at Guildhall every year on Lord Mayor's day.

I sent the bear-skins to the Empress of Russia, to clothe her majesty and her court in the winter. She wrote me a letter of thanks with her own hand. She sent it by an ambassador extraordinary. In it she invited me to share the honours of her crown. But I was never ambitious for royal rank. So I refused her majesty's kind offer in the most polite words. The same ambassador had orders to wait and take my answer to her majesty *personally*. He was away on this business for about three months. Her majesty's reply showed me how strong her love was, and how noble her mind was. Her recent illness was caused entirely by my cruelty. She said so herself, kind creature! in a recent talk with Prince Dolgoroucki. I cannot understand what the ladies see in me. But the Empress is not the only female ruler who has offered me her hand.

Some people have unkindly said that Captain Phipps did not go as far as he could on that voyage. Here it is my duty to defend him. Our ship was in very good order until I loaded it with such a huge amount of bear-skins and hams. After that it would have been madness to try to go any further. We could now hardly sail against a strong wind. The mountains of ice further north would have been far worse.

The captain has often complained since then that he had no share in the honours of that day. He gave it a special name: *bear-skin day*. He has also wanted very much to know my secret. How did I kill so many thousands without tiring myself or facing any danger? In fact, he wants so much to share the glory with me that we have really quarrelled about it. We are not on speaking terms now. He boldly says that I deserve no praise for tricking the bears, because I was covered with one of their skins. He even says this: in his opinion, no man in Europe is by nature so complete a bear as he is himself.

He is now a noble peer. And I know good manners too well to argue such a delicate point with his lordship.

### Glossary

- **latitude**: the distance of a place north or south of the equator; "a high northern latitude" means far in the north, near the Arctic.
- **carbine**: a short gun.
- **breeches**: short trousers that end at the knee, worn by men in the past.
- **clasp knife**: a large knife whose blade folds into the handle.
- **pericranium**: the skin round the skull; here, a joke word for "head".
- **Bruin**: an old, traditional name for a bear.
- **Samson**: a very strong man in the Bible who killed thousands of his enemies.
- **three parts of the crew**: three quarters of the sailors.
- **cured**: kept from going bad by using salt or smoke.
- **ambassador extraordinary**: a special messenger sent by a ruler for one important task.
- **Guildhall**: the old city hall of London, where the city holds its great dinners.
- **a complete bear**: here, a joke: "bear" also means a rough, rude, bad-mannered man.
- **peer**: a lord; a member of the nobility.

## Chapter XIV

*Our Baron does far better than Baron Tott, yet fails in part of his attempt—He falls out of favour with the Grand Seignior, who orders his head to be cut off—He escapes and gets on board a ship, which carries him to Venice—Baron Tott's origin, with something about that great man's parents—Pope Ganganelli's love affair—His Holiness loves shellfish.*

In his Memoirs, Baron de Tott makes as much fuss about a single act as many travellers do about their whole lives. And those travellers have spent all their years seeing the different parts of the globe. As for me, imagine that I had been blown from Europe to Asia out of the mouth of a cannon. Even then I would have boasted less about it than he has boasted about only firing a Turkish cannon. This is what he says about this wonderful gun, as well as I can remember it:

"The Turks had placed an enormous cannon below the castle, near the city, on the banks of the Simois, a famous river. It was made of brass, and it could fire a marble ball of eleven hundred pounds weight. I wanted to fire it," says Tott, "but first I wanted to judge its effect. The crowd around me trembled at this idea. They said it would knock down not only the castle, but the city too. At last their fears partly calmed down, and I was allowed to fire it. It needed no less than three hundred and thirty pounds' weight of powder. The ball weighed, as I said before, eleven hundredweight. When the engineer brought the priming, the crowds around me ran back as fast as they could. In fact, I could only with the greatest difficulty persuade the Pacha that there was no danger. He had come specially to see it. Even the engineer, who was to fire it on my orders, was quite alarmed. I took my place on some stone-work behind the cannon. I gave the signal, and I felt a shock like an earthquake! At a distance of three hundred fathom the ball burst into three pieces. The pieces crossed the strait and bounced off the mountain on the other side. They left the water foaming across the whole width of the channel."

This, gentlemen, is Baron Tott's account of the largest cannon in the known world, as well as I can remember it. Now, when I was there not long ago, people told the story of Tott's firing this tremendous gun. They told it as a proof of that gentleman's extraordinary courage.

I was determined not to be beaten by a Frenchman. So I took this very cannon on my shoulder, and I balanced it properly. Then I jumped into the sea with it and swam to the opposite shore. From there I tried, unfortunately, to throw it back to its old place. I say "unfortunately", because it slipped a little in my hand just as I was throwing it. Because of that it fell into the middle of the channel. It still lies there now, and there is no hope of ever getting it back.

As I told you before, I was in high favour with the Grand Seignior. But that did not help me. This cruel Turk heard about the loss of his famous cannon. As soon as he heard, he gave an order to cut off my head. One of the Sultanas told me about it at once. I had become a great favourite of hers. She hid me in her rooms while the officer in charge of my execution searched for me with his helpers.

That very night I escaped on board a ship bound for Venice. It was just weighing anchor to begin its voyage.

I do not like telling this last story, gentlemen. I failed in my attempt, and I nearly lost my life as well. However, it contains nothing against my honour, so I would not keep it from you.

Now, gentlemen, you all know me, and you can have no doubt of my veracity. I will entertain you with the origin of this same swaggering, boasting Tott.

His supposed father came from Berne, in Switzerland. His job was "surveyor of the streets, lanes and alleys", or, in common words, a scavenger. His mother came from the mountains of Savoy. She had a most beautiful large wen on her neck. In that part of the world both men and women commonly have one. She left her parents when she was young. She went to seek her fortune in Berne, the same city where his father was born. While she was single, she earned her living by acts of kindness to us men. She was never known to refuse any man a favour he asked, as long as he paid her a little something first.

This lovely couple met by accident in the street, because they were both drunk. They were both staggering towards the same spot, and they knocked each other down. This led to insults on both sides, and both of them were experts at insults. They were both taken to the watch-house, and afterwards to the house of correction. Soon they saw how foolish it was to quarrel. They made friends again, grew fond of each other, and married. But madam went back to her old tricks. His father had high ideas of honour, so he soon left her. Then she joined a family who travelled about with a puppet-show. In time she arrived in Rome, and there she kept an oyster-stand.

You have all heard, no doubt, of Pope Ganganelli, commonly called Clement XIV. He was very fond of oysters. One Good Friday he was riding through this famous city in great ceremony. He was on his way to help at high mass in St. Peter's Church. Then he saw this woman's oysters, which were very fine and fresh. He could not go on without tasting them. There were about five thousand people in his train. He ordered them all to stop. He sent word to the church that he could not attend mass until the next day. Then he got off his horse. (The Pope always rides on horseback on these occasions.) He went into her stall and ate every oyster she had there. Afterwards he went down into the cellar, where she had a few more. This room under the ground was her kitchen, her sitting room and her bedroom. He liked it there so much that he sent away all his attendants. To make the story short, His Holiness spent the whole night there! Before they parted, he gave her absolution. It covered not only every sin she had committed, but also all the sins she might commit in the future.

*Now, gentlemen, I have his mother's word for it (and her honour cannot be doubted). Baron Tott is the fruit of that love affair. When Tott was born, his mother went to His Holiness, as the father of her child. He at once placed the boy with the proper people. As the boy grew up, the Pope gave him a gentleman's education and had him taught to use weapons. He got him promotion in France, and a title. And when the Pope died, he left him a good estate.*

### Glossary

- **Memoirs**: a book in which a person writes about his own life and adventures.
- **hundredweight**: an old weight, about 50 kilograms.
- **priming**: a little gunpowder put in an old gun or cannon to start the shot.
- **Pacha**: a Turkish governor.
- **fathom**: a measure of length or depth, six feet (about 1.8 metres).
- **Sultana**: one of the Sultan's wives.
- **scavenger**: a man who cleans the streets.
- **wen**: a large swelling on the neck.
- **acts of kindness to us men**: here, a polite way of saying that she sold sex to men for money.
- **watch-house**: a place where the night police kept people they had arrested.
- **house of correction**: a prison for people who had done small crimes.
- **absolution**: forgiveness of sins, given by a priest.

## Chapter XV

*More about the journey from Harwich to Helvoetsluys—A description of many sea objects that no traveller has ever mentioned before—Rocks seen on this crossing as big as the Alps; lobsters, crabs, etc., of an extraordinary size—A woman's life saved—Why she fell into the sea—Dr. Hawes' instructions followed with success.*

I left out several very important parts of my father's journey across the English Channel to Holland. I do not want them to be lost completely. So I will now give them to you faithfully, in his own words. I heard him tell them to his friends several times.

"When I arrived at Helvoetsluys," says my father, "people noticed that I was breathing with some difficulty. The people there asked me why. I told them that the animal I rode from Harwich across to their shore did not swim! These animals have such a strange shape and nature that they cannot float or move on top of the water. He ran unbelievably fast along the sand of the sea-bed from the shore. He drove millions of fish in front of him. Many of them were quite different from any fish I had seen before. They carried their heads at the very end of their tails.

"I crossed," he went on, "one huge range of rocks, as high as the Alps. (The tops of these sea mountains are said to be more than one hundred fathoms below the surface of the sea.) On their sides grew many kinds of tall, noble trees. They were loaded with sea fruit, such as lobsters, crabs, oysters, scallops, mussels, cockles, etc., etc. Some of these were a whole cart-load each! And none was smaller than a load for a porter! All the ones that are brought to shore and sold in our markets are a poor dwarf kind. Or, to be exact, they are 'waterfalls'. That is, they are fruit shaken off the branches by the movement of the water. In the same way the wind shakes fruit off the trees in our gardens! The lobster-trees looked the richest, but the crab-trees and oyster-trees were the tallest. The periwinkle is a kind of bush. It grows at the foot of the oyster-tree and twists round it, as ivy twists round an oak.

"I saw the results of several accidents, shipwrecks and so on. I noticed one ship in particular. It had been wrecked when it hit a mountain or rock. The top of that rock was within three fathoms of the surface. As the ship sank, it fell on its side. It pushed a very large lobster-tree out of its place. It was in the spring, when the lobsters were very young. The violent shock knocked many of them off. They fell onto a crab-tree that was growing below them. Then, like the farina of plants, they joined together. They produced a fish that looked like both a lobster and a crab.

"I tried to bring one back with me, but it was too heavy and awkward. Also, my salt-water Pegasus did not like it when I tried to stop him. He seemed very angry every time, while I was on his back. Besides, I was then galloping over a mountain of rocks about halfway across. Yet even there I was at least five hundred fathom below the surface of the sea. I was beginning to feel the lack of air, and it was unpleasant. So I did not want to stay any longer. On top of this, my position was very unpleasant in other ways too. I met many large fish. Judging by their open mouths, they were not only able to eat us up, but really wanted to. Now, my Rosinante was blind. So I had to guard against these hungry gentlemen too, as well as my other difficulties.

"We came near the Dutch shore, and the water over our heads was no more than twenty fathoms deep. There I thought I saw a human figure in a woman's dress. It was lying on the sand in front of me, and it showed some signs of life. When I came close, I saw her hand move. I took her hand in mine, and I brought her to the shore as if she were a dead body. An apothecary had just been taught by Dr. Hawes, of London \[the Baron's father must have lived very recently, if Dr. Hawes was his teacher\]. This apothecary treated her properly, and she recovered.

"She was the rib of a man who was captain of a ship from Helvoetsluys. He was just sailing out of port on a voyage. Then she heard that he had a mistress with him. So she followed him in an open boat. As soon as she got onto the quarter-deck, she flew at her husband. She tried to hit him so violently that he thought it wisest to step to one side. He let her leave the mark of her fingers on the waves rather than on his face. He was quite right about the result. She met nothing to stop her, so she went straight over the side of the ship. And it was my unlucky fate to begin the work of bringing this happy pair together again.

"I can easily imagine the curses the husband heaped on me when he came home. He found this gentle creature waiting for him. And he learned how she had come into the world again. However, I have done this poor devil a great wrong. Still, I hope he will die in charity with me, because my reason was good. But I must admit that the results for him are horrible."

### Glossary

- **Pegasus**: the flying horse in old Greek stories; here, a joke name for the seahorse.
- **Rosinante**: Don Quixote's thin old horse in a famous Spanish story; here, another joke name for the seahorse.
- **fathom**: a measure of depth, six feet (about 1.8 metres).
- **porter**: a man whose job is to carry heavy loads.
- **periwinkle**: a small sea snail with a shell.
- **farina**: the fine yellow powder of flowers (pollen), which lets plants make new plants.
- **apothecary**: an old kind of chemist who made medicines and treated sick people.
- **rib**: a joke word for "wife" (in the Bible, God made the first woman from the first man's rib).
- **quarter-deck**: the raised back part of a ship's top deck, where the officers stand.
- **in charity with me**: forgiving me; not angry with me.

## Chapter XVI

*This is a very short chapter, but it contains a fact for which every Englishman should love the Baron's memory, especially those who may one day have the bad luck to become prisoners of war.*

On my return from Gibraltar I travelled through France to England. I was a foreigner, so this caused me no trouble. In the harbour of Calais I found a ship that had just arrived. On it were a number of English sailors, who were prisoners of war. At once I had the idea of giving these brave fellows their freedom. I did it like this.

First I made a pair of large wings. Each of them was forty yards long and fourteen wide. I fixed them to my body. Then I rose into the air at daybreak, when every creature was fast asleep, even the watch on deck. I hovered over the ship. With my sling I fastened three grappling irons to the tops of the three masts. I lifted her several yards out of the water. Then I flew on across to Dover, and I arrived there in half an hour! I did not need these wings any more. So I gave them as a present to the governor of Dover Castle. They are now shown there to curious visitors.

As for the prisoners, and the Frenchmen who guarded them, they slept on. They did not wake up until they had been nearly two hours on Dover Pier. As soon as the English understood their situation, they changed places with their guards. They took back the things that had been stolen from them, but nothing more. They were too generous to take revenge and rob the French in return.

### Glossary

- **prisoners of war**: soldiers or sailors who are caught and kept by the enemy during a war.
- **the watch**: the sailors whose job is to stay awake and look out while the others sleep.
- **hovered**: stayed in one place in the air.
- **sling**: a strap for throwing stones; here, the famous sling of King David.
- **grappling irons**: iron hooks on ropes, used to catch and hold something.
- **masts**: the tall poles on a ship that hold the sails.
- **governor**: the man in charge of a castle or fort.
- **pier**: a long platform built out into the sea, where ships stop.

## Chapter XVII

*A voyage to the east—The Baron introduces a friend who never deceived him, and wins a hundred guineas by trusting that friend's nose—Game found at sea—Some other events which, we hope, will give the reader a good deal of fun.*

I once made a voyage to the East Indies with Captain Hamilton. I took a favourite pointer with me. He was, as people say, worth his weight in gold, because he never deceived me. One day we were at least three hundred leagues from land. That was the result of the best measurements we could make. Then my dog pointed. I watched him with astonishment for nearly an hour. I told the captain and every officer on board about it. I said that we must be near land, because my dog smelt game. Everybody laughed at this. But it did not change my good opinion of my dog in the least.

We talked for a long time, for and against. In the end I boldly told the captain something. I said I trusted Tray's nose more than the eyes of every seaman on board. So I offered him a bet. I would bet the money I had agreed to pay for my passage, namely one hundred guineas. I bet that we would find game within half an hour. The captain was a good, hearty fellow. He laughed again. Then he asked Mr. Crowford, the surgeon, to feel my pulse. The surgeon was ready, and he did so. He reported that I was in perfect health. Then the two of them had the following conversation. They spoke quietly and some distance away, but I heard it.

CAPTAIN: His mind has gone wrong. I cannot honourably accept his bet.

SURGEON: I do not agree. He is quite sane. He simply trusts the nose of his dog more than the judgement of all the officers on board. He will certainly lose, and he fully deserves it.

CAPTAIN: Such a bet cannot be fair on my side. However, I will accept it, if I give him back his money afterwards.

All through this conversation Tray stayed in the same position. This made me even more sure of my opinion. I offered the bet a second time, and this time it was accepted.

"Done!" and "Done!" were hardly said on both sides, when something happened. Some sailors were fishing from the long-boat, which was tied to the back of the ship. They harpooned a very large shark. They brought it on board and began to cut it up, so that they could put its oil into barrels. And then, behold! They found no less than *six brace of live partridges* in this animal's stomach!

The birds had been in there so long that one of the hens was sitting on four eggs. And a fifth egg was hatching when the shark was opened!!! We brought up this young bird with a litter of kittens. They had been born a few minutes before! The old cat loved it as much as any of her own four-legged young ones. She was very unhappy whenever it flew out of her reach, until it came back again.

As for the other partridges, there were four hens among them. During the voyage one or more of them was always sitting on eggs. So we had plenty of game at the captain's table. Poor Tray had helped me to win one hundred guineas. To thank him, I ordered that he should have the bones every day, and sometimes a whole bird.

### Glossary

- **guinea**: an old English gold coin.
- **pointer**: a hunting dog that stands still and points at birds with its nose.
- **pointed**: (of a hunting dog) stood still with its nose turned towards hidden birds.
- **game**: wild birds and animals that people hunt for food.
- **league**: an old measure of distance, about three miles (about 5 km).
- **passage**: the journey on a ship, and the money paid for it.
- **long-boat**: the biggest small boat carried by a sailing ship.
- **harpooned**: hit with a harpoon, a spear on a rope for catching big fish.
- **brace**: a pair (two), used for birds in hunting; "six brace" means twelve.
- **partridge**: a wild bird that people hunt for food.

## Chapter XVIII

### A SECOND TRIP TO THE MOON.

*A second visit to the moon (but an accidental one)—A whirlwind carries the ship a thousand leagues above the surface of the water, where a new atmosphere meets them and carries them into a large harbour in the moon—A description of the people, and of the way they come into the moon world—Animals, customs, weapons of war, wine, vegetables, etc.*

I have already told you about one trip I made to the moon. That was when I went to look for my silver hatchet. Later I made another trip there, in a much pleasanter way. I stayed long enough to notice several things. I will try to describe them as exactly as my memory allows.

I went on a voyage of discovery because a distant relation asked me to. He had a strange idea. He believed that somewhere there were people as big as the ones Gulliver described in the empire of BROBDIGNAG. For my part, I always thought that story was a fairy tale. However, he had made me his heir, so I wanted to please him. I agreed to go, and I sailed for the South seas. We got there without meeting anything remarkable. The only exception was some flying men and women. They were playing leap-frog and dancing minuets in the air.

We passed the Island of Otaheite. Captain Cook mentions it as the place they brought Omai from. On the eighteenth day after we passed it, a hurricane came. It blew our ship at least one thousand leagues above the surface of the water. It kept the ship at that height for some time. Then a fresh strong wind came up and filled all the sails. On we travelled at a tremendous speed. In this way we went on above the clouds for six weeks.

At last we discovered a great land in the sky. It was like a shining island, round and bright. We came into a good harbour there and went on shore. Soon we found that people lived there. Below us we saw another earth, with cities, trees, mountains, rivers, seas, etc. We guessed that this was the world we had left.

Here we saw huge figures riding on enormous vultures, and each of these birds had three heads. Let me give you some idea of the size of these birds. Each of their wings was as wide as the mainsail of our ship. And each wing was six times as long. Our ship was a vessel of about six hundred tons. So, instead of riding on horses as we do in this world, the people of the moon fly about on these birds. (For we now found that we were in Madam Luna.) The king, we learned, was fighting a war against the sun. He offered me a commission, but I refused the honour his majesty wanted to give me.

Everything in *this* world is of an extraordinary size! A common flea is much larger than one of our sheep. In war, their main weapons are radishes, which they throw like darts. Anyone who is wounded by one dies at once. Their shields are made of mushrooms. When radishes are out of season, they make their darts from the tops of asparagus.

Some natives of the dog-star can be seen here too. Trade tempts them to travel about. Their faces are like the faces of large mastiffs. Their eyes are near the lower end, or tip, of their noses. They have no eyelids. Instead, when they go to sleep, they cover their eyes with the end of their tongues. They are usually twenty feet tall.

As for the natives of the moon, not one of them is less than thirty-six feet tall. They are not called the human species, but "the cooking animals". This is because they all cook their food over a fire, as we do. But they do not waste time over their meals. They open their left side and put the whole meal into their stomach at once. Then they shut it again until the same day of the next month. They never allow themselves food more than twelve times a year, that is, once a month. Everybody except gluttons and epicures must prefer this method to ours.

There is only one sex in the moon, among the cooking animals and among all the other animals too. They all grow on trees of different sizes, with different leaves. The tree that produces the cooking animal, or human species, is much more beautiful than the others. It has large straight branches and flesh-coloured leaves. Its fruit are nuts or pods with hard shells, at least two yards long. You can tell they are ripe when they change colour. Then they are picked with great care and stored for as long as the people wish. Sometimes they want to bring the seed of these nuts to life. Then they throw the nuts into a large pot of boiling water. In a few hours this opens the shells, and out jumps the creature.

Nature shapes their minds for different careers before they come into the world. From one shell comes a soldier, and from another a philosopher. From a third comes a divine, from a fourth a lawyer, from a fifth a farmer, and from a sixth a clown, etc., etc. Each of them at once begins to become perfect at his job. He practises the things that he knew before only in theory.

When they grow old, they do not die. They turn into air and disappear like smoke! As for drink, they need none. Their bodies get rid of waste only through their breath, so nobody can see it. They have only one finger on each hand. Yet with it they do everything as perfectly as we do, with our four fingers and a thumb. Their heads are under their right arm. When they are going on a journey, or doing hard exercise, they usually leave their heads at home. They can ask their heads for advice from any distance. This is a very common habit. Sometimes the Lunarians of high rank want to see what is happening among the common people. Then they stay at home. That is, the body stays at home and sends only the head. The head is allowed to be there *incog.* It comes back whenever it likes, with a report of what has happened.

The stones of their grapes are exactly like hail. I am quite sure about one thing. Sometimes a storm or a strong wind in the moon shakes their vines and breaks the grapes off their stalks. Then the stones fall down and make our hail showers. I advise everyone who agrees with me to do this. Next time it hails, save a quantity of these stones and make Lunarian wine. It is a common drink at St. Luke's.

I nearly left out some important facts. They use their bellies as we use a sack. They throw into them whatever they need. They can shut their bellies and open them again whenever they like, as they do their stomachs. They have no bowels, liver, heart, or any other organs inside. They are not troubled with clothes either. No part of their bodies is improper or indecent to show.

They can take their eyes out and put them back whenever they like. They can see as well with their eyes in their hand as in their head! If by accident they lose or damage an eye, they can borrow or buy another one. Then they see as clearly with it as with their own. For this reason there are very many dealers in eyes in most parts of the moon. In this one thing all the people follow fashion. Sometimes green eyes are in fashion, and sometimes yellow ones.

I know these things seem strange. But if anyone still has the shadow of a doubt in his mind, I say this: let him make a voyage there himself. Then he will know that I am a traveller of veracity.

### Glossary

- **BROBDIGNAG**: the land of giants in the famous book "Gulliver's Travels".
- **heir**: the person who will get someone's money and property when he dies.
- **minuet**: a slow, graceful dance for couples, popular in the 18th century.
- **Madam Luna**: the moon ("luna" is Latin for "moon").
- **commission**: a post as an officer in an army.
- **dog-star**: Sirius, the brightest star in the night sky.
- **mastiff**: a very big, strong kind of dog.
- **epicure**: a person who loves fine food and eating.
- **divine**: here, a priest.
- **clown**: here, a simple country fellow, or a fool.
- **incog.**: (short for "incognito") secretly, without being recognised.
- **St. Luke's**: a hospital in London for mad people; the joke is that "lunatic" (mad) comes from "luna", the moon.
- **veracity**: truthfulness; always telling the truth.

## Chapter XIX

*The Baron crosses the Thames without the help of a bridge, ship, boat, balloon, or even his own will—He wakes after a long sleep, and kills a monster who lived by ruining others.*

My first visit to England was around the beginning of the present king's reign. I had to go down to Wapping to see some goods put on board a ship. I was sending them to some friends in Hamburgh. After that business was over, I went back by way of Tower Wharf. Here I found the sun very strong. I was so tired that I stepped into one of the cannon to rest, and there I fell fast asleep.

This was about noon. It was the fourth of June. Exactly at one o'clock all these cannon were fired in memory of the day. They had all been loaded that morning, and nobody suspected that I was inside. So I was shot over the houses on the other side of the river. I landed in a farmer's yard, between Bermondsey and Deptford. I fell on a large haystack without waking up. I stayed there, fast asleep, until hay became extremely expensive. That was about three months later. Then the farmer saw that it would pay him to send all his hay to market. The stack I was resting on was the largest in the yard. It held more than five hundred loads, and they began to cut that one first.

I woke up at the voices of the men who had climbed the ladders to begin at the top. I got up, but I had no idea where I was. I tried to run away, and I fell on the farmer who owned the hay. I broke his neck, yet I was not hurt at all myself. Afterwards I found out something that comforted me greatly. This fellow was a most hateful character. He always kept back the crops from his fields until prices in the markets were very high.

### Glossary

- **the present king**: the king of England at the time the Baron tells his story (George III).
- **reign**: the time when a king or queen rules.
- **Wapping**: a part of London by the river Thames, where ships were loaded.
- **wharf**: a place by a river where ships stop to load and unload goods.
- **the fourth of June**: the King's birthday, when guns were fired in London to celebrate it.
- **haystack**: a large pile of dried grass (hay), kept to feed animals.
- **load**: here, the amount of hay that one cart can carry.
- **kept back the crops**: did not sell his harvest, but waited so that he could ask a higher price.

## Chapter XX

*The Baron slips through the world: after a visit to Mount Etna he finds himself in the South Sea—He visits Vulcan on the way—He gets on board a Dutch ship—He arrives at an island of cheese, in a sea of milk—He describes some very strange things—They lose their compass—Their ship slips between the teeth of a fish unknown in this part of the world—Their difficulty in escaping from it—They arrive in the Caspian Sea—He starves a bear to death—A few stories about a waistcoat—In this chapter, which is the longest, the Baron preaches on the virtue of veracity.*

I had read Mr. Drybones' "Travels to Sicily" with great pleasure. The book made me want to visit Mount Etna. Nothing worth telling happened on my voyage there. Early one morning, three or four days after I arrived, I set out from a cottage where I had slept. It was within six miles of the foot of the mountain. I was determined to explore the inside of the mountain, even if I died trying. After three hours' hard work I was at the top. The volcano was raging then, and it had been raging for more than three weeks. Many travellers have described how it looks in this state. So I will not tire you with things that you already know. I walked round the edge of the crater. It seemed at least fifty times as big as the Devil's Punch-Bowl near Petersfield, on the Portsmouth Road. But it was not so broad at the bottom. There it looked more like the narrow part of a funnel than a punch-bowl.

At last I made up my mind, and in I jumped, feet first. I soon found myself in a warm berth. Red-hot cinders were flying up against me as I came down. They bruised and burnt my body in many places. But my weight soon brought me to the bottom. There I found myself in the middle of noise and shouting, mixed with the most horrible curses. When my senses came back and my pain grew less, I began to look around me. Guess my surprise, gentlemen! I was in the company of Vulcan and his Cyclops. They had been quarrelling for those three weeks about good order and proper obedience. That quarrel had caused all the alarm in the world above during that time. But my arrival brought peace to the whole group. Vulcan himself did me the honour of putting plasters on my wounds, and they healed at once. He also set refreshments before me, especially nectar and other rich wines. Only the gods and goddesses can hope for such drinks. After this meal was over, Vulcan ordered Venus to show me every indulgence that my situation needed. I cannot describe the room, or the couch where I rested, so I will not try. It is enough to say this: no language can do it justice. And no words are good enough to praise that kind-hearted goddess as she deserves.

Vulcan gave me a very short account of Mount Etna. He said it was nothing more than a heap of ashes thrown out from his forge. He often had to punish his people. When he was angry, he used to throw red-hot coals at them at home. They often blocked the coals very skilfully. Then they threw them up into the world, to put them out of his reach. They never tried to attack him by throwing them back. "Our quarrels," he added, "sometimes last three or four months. These coals or cinders that appear in the world are what you mortals call eruptions, I find." He also told me that Mount Vesuvius was another of his workshops. He reached it by a passage three hundred and fifty leagues under the bed of the sea. Similar quarrels there caused similar eruptions.

I would have stayed there as a humble servant to Madam Venus. But some busy gossips, who love to make trouble, whispered a story in Vulcan's ear. It made him so jealous that nothing could calm him. One morning, without any warning, he took me under his arm. I was waiting on Venus at the time, as I always did. He carried me to a room I had never seen before. In it there was what looked like *a well* with a wide mouth. He held me over it at arm's length. "*Ungrateful mortal, go back to the world you came from*," he said. He gave me no chance to reply, and he dropped me into the middle of it. I fell faster and faster, until the horror in my mind took away all my thoughts. I suppose I fell into a trance. I was suddenly woken from it as I plunged into a large body of water, bright with the rays of the sun!!

Since I was a child I could swim well and play tricks in the water. After the horrors I had just escaped, I now felt I was in paradise. I looked around me for some time, but I could see nothing except sea. It stretched further than the eye could see in every direction. I also found it very cold. It was a different climate from Master Vulcan's workshop. At last I saw, some distance away, a huge body like a great rock coming towards me. I soon found that it was a piece of floating ice. I swam round it until I found a place where I could climb up. I got to the top, but not without some difficulty. I still could not see any land, and despair came back twice as strong. But before night came, I saw a sail, and we came towards each other very fast. When the ship was very close, I called to them in German. They answered in Dutch. Then I threw myself into the sea. They threw out a rope, and with it they pulled me on board. I asked where we were. They told me we were in the great Southern Ocean. This explained everything, and all my doubts and difficulties were gone. Clearly I had passed from Mount Etna through the centre of the earth to the South Seas. This, gentlemen, was a much shorter way than going round the world. No man has ever done it, or even tried it, except me. But the next time I do it, I will look at things much more carefully.

I ate something and went to bed. The Dutch are a very rude sort of people. I told the officers about my journey through Etna, exactly as I have told you. Some of them seemed to doubt my veracity, especially the Captain. I could see it in his face, and hear it in his half-finished sentences. But he had kindly taken me on board his ship. He was also looking after my needs at that very moment. So I accepted the insult quietly.

Now it was my turn to ask questions. I asked where they were going. They answered that they were looking for new discoveries. "*And if*," they said, "*your story is true, a new passage has really been discovered, and we shall not go home disappointed.*" We were now exactly on Captain Cook's first route, and the next morning we arrived in Botany Bay. I would never advise the English government to send criminals here, or to use it as a place of punishment. It should rather be a reward for people who deserve it. Nature has very generously given it her best gifts.

We stayed there only three days. On the fourth day after we left, a most terrible storm came up. Within a few hours it destroyed all our sails, split our bowsprit and brought down our topmast. The topmast fell right on the box that held our compass. The box and the compass were both broken to pieces. Everyone who has been at sea knows what such a misfortune means. We did not know where to steer. At last the storm grew weaker. A steady, strong wind followed, and it carried us at least forty knots an hour for six months! \[We should suppose that the Baron has made a little mistake, and put *months* instead of *days*.\] Then we began to notice an amazing change in everything around us. Our spirits became light. Our noses enjoyed the sweetest smells you can imagine. The sea had changed its colour too: from green it had become white!! Soon after these wonderful changes we saw land. Not far away there was an inlet, and we sailed up it nearly sixty leagues. We found it wide and deep, and it was flowing with milk of the most delicious taste.

Here we landed, and we soon found that the island was one large cheese. We discovered this because one of our company fainted as soon as we landed. This man had always hated cheese. When he came round, he asked us to take the cheese away from under his feet. We looked, and we found that he was perfectly right. As I said, the whole island was nothing but a cheese of enormous size! The inhabitants, who are amazingly many, live mainly on it. Every night it grows again, as much as was eaten during the day. There seemed to be plenty of vines here, with bunches of large grapes. But when the grapes were pressed, they gave nothing but milk. We saw the inhabitants running races on the surface of the milk. They were upright, good-looking figures, nine feet high, with three legs and only one arm. On the whole their shape was graceful. When they quarrel, they fight very skilfully with a straight horn. In adults it grows from the middle of the forehead. They did not sink at all. They ran and walked on the surface of the milk, as we do on a bowling-green.

On this island of cheese there is plenty of corn. Its ears produce loaves of bread, ready-made and round like mushrooms. As we walked about on this cheese, we discovered seventeen other rivers of milk, and ten of wine.

After a journey of thirty-eight days we arrived on the other side of the island, opposite the place where we had landed. Here we found some blue mould, as cheese-eaters call it. All kinds of rich fruit grow from it. Instead of producing mites, it produced peaches, nectarines, apricots and a thousand delicious fruits that we do not know. These trees were of amazing size, and there were plenty of birds' nests in them. Among others there was a kingfisher's nest of enormous size. It was at least twice the circumference of the dome of St. Paul's Church in London. When we looked closely, we saw that the nest was made of huge trees, cleverly joined together. There were, let me see (*for I make it a rule always to speak within compass*), there were more than five hundred eggs in the nest. Each of them was as large as four common hogsheads, or eight barrels. We could not only see the young ones inside, but hear them chirping too. With great effort we cut open one of these eggs. We let out a young bird with no feathers. It was much larger than twenty full-grown vultures. Just as we had given this youngster his freedom, the old kingfisher landed. Our captain had been busy breaking the egg, and she seized him in one of her claws. She flew with him more than a mile high, and then she let him drop into the sea. But first she beat all his teeth out of his mouth with her wings.

Dutchmen generally swim well. He soon joined us again, and we went back to our ship. On the way back we took a different route and saw many strange things. We shot two wild oxen. Each of them had one horn, like the inhabitants. But on these animals it grew from between the eyes. Later we were sorry that we had killed them. We asked about them, and we found that the people tamed these creatures. They used them as we use horses, to ride on and to pull their carriages. We were told that their meat is excellent. But it is useless where people live on cheese and milk. When we were two days' journey from the ship, we saw three men hanging by their heels from a tall tree. I asked why they were being punished. I found that they had all been travellers. When they came home, they had deceived their friends. They had described places they never saw, and told of things that never happened. This did not worry me at all, *as I have always kept to facts*.

As soon as we reached the ship, we untied her and set sail from this extraordinary country. To our astonishment, all the trees on the shore paid their respects to us. There were a great number of them, very tall and large. They bowed to us twice, in exact time, and then at once stood straight up again, as before.

From what we could learn about this CHEESE, it was much larger than the whole continent of Europe!

We sailed for three months, and we did not know where we were, because we still had no compass. Then we came to a sea that looked almost black. We tasted it and found it was most excellent wine. We had great difficulty stopping the sailors from getting drunk on it. But within a few hours we found ourselves surrounded by whales and other animals of enormous size. One of them seemed too large for the eye to judge. We did not see him until we were close to him. This monster sucked our ship into his mouth, between his teeth, with all her masts standing and her sails set. His teeth were much larger and taller than the mast of a first-rate man-of-war. After we had been in his mouth for some time, he opened it quite wide. He took in a huge amount of water and floated our ship into his stomach. She was a ship of at least 500 tons. Here we lay as quietly as at anchor in a dead calm. The air, it is true, was rather warm and smelt very bad.

We found plenty of anchors, cables, boats and barges there. There were also a good number of ships, some loaded and some empty, which this creature had swallowed. We did everything by torch-light. There was no sun, no moon and no planet to make observations from. We were usually afloat and aground twice a day. Whenever he drank, it was high water for us. When he emptied himself, we found ourselves aground. By a modest guess, he took in more water at one drink than the Lake of Geneva usually holds. And that lake is more than thirty miles round.

On the second day of our stay in this dark place, I went out at low water. That was our name for the time when the ship was aground. I walked about with the Captain and a few of the other officers, with lights in our hands. We met people of all nations, more than ten thousand of them. They were going to hold a meeting to decide how to win back their freedom. Some of them had lived in this animal's stomach for several years. There were several children here who had never seen the world. Their mothers had given birth again and again in this warm place. The chairman was just going to tell us why we had met. At that moment this terrible fish grew thirsty and drank in his usual way. The water poured in so violently that we all had to run back to our own ships at once. Otherwise we would have risked drowning. Some had to swim for it, and they saved their lives only with difficulty.

A few hours later we were luckier. We met again just after the monster had emptied himself. I was chosen chairman. The first thing I did was to suggest joining two main-masts together. The next time he opened his mouth, we would be ready to wedge them in. Then he could not shut it. Everyone approved the plan. One hundred strong men were chosen for this job. We had hardly got our masts ready when the chance came. The monster opened his mouth. At once the top of the mast was set against the roof of his mouth. The other end went through his tongue. This stopped him from shutting his mouth. As soon as everything in his stomach was afloat, we put men in a few boats. They rowed themselves and us out into the world. As near as we could judge, we had spent three months in total darkness. So the daylight cheered our spirits wonderfully. When we had all said goodbye to this roomy animal, we counted the ships. There were exactly ninety-five ships of all nations, which had all been trapped in there.

We left the two masts in his mouth. That way, others would not be trapped in the same horrible pit of darkness and dirt. Our first task was to find out what part of the world we were in. For some time we could not tell. At last, from what I had seen before, I found that we were in the Caspian Sea! This sea washes part of the country of the Calmuck Tartars. We could not imagine how we had got there, because this sea is not joined to any other. I had brought with me one of the inhabitants of the Cheese Island, and he explained it like this. The monster had carried us here through some passage under the ground. Anyway, we rowed to the shore, and I was the first to land. Just as I put my foot on the ground, a large bear jumped at me with its front paws. I caught one paw in each hand. I squeezed him until he cried out very loudly. I held him in this position until I starved him to death. You may laugh, gentlemen, but it did not take long, because I stopped him from licking his paws.

From there I travelled up to St. Petersburg a second time. Here an old friend gave me a most excellent pointer. He was descended from the famous bitch I told you about, who had her pups while she was chasing a hare. Soon after, I had the bad luck to lose him. A clumsy sportsman shot him, instead of a covey of partridges that the dog had just found. I have had this waistcoat made from the dog's skin (showing his waistcoat). When I walk in the fields in the right season, it always leads me to game, whether I want it or not. When I come within shot, *one of the buttons always flies off, and lands on the spot where the birds are*. My gun is always loaded and ready, so when the birds rise, I never miss them. Now there are only three buttons left. I shall have a new set sewn on before the shooting season begins.

When a button falls among a covey of partridges like this, it disturbs them. Then they always rise from the ground in a straight line, one behind the other. One day I forgot to take my ramrod out of my gun. I shot it straight through a leash of them, as neatly as if the cook had put them on a spit. I had forgotten to put in any shot. The powder had made the rod so hot that the birds were fully roasted by the time I got home.

Since I came to England, I have done something that I very much wanted to do. I have found work for the inhabitant of the Cheese Island whom I brought with me. My old friend Sir William Chambers owes all his ideas about Chinese gardening to me. He has become very famous by describing them. Well, gentlemen, I was once talking with this gentleman. He seemed very worried about how to light the lamps at the new buildings of Somerset House. He said that the usual way, with ladders, was both dirty and inconvenient. My man from the Cheese Island popped into my head. He was only nine feet high when I first brought him from his own country. But he had now grown to ten and a half. I introduced him to Sir William, and he has been given that honourable job. He is also to carry a utensil in each coat pocket, under a large cloak. These will take the place of the four that Sir William has *very properly* set up for private purposes in such a public place, the great quadrangle.

My man from the Cheese Island has also got a post from Mr. PITT. He is now messenger to his Majesty's lords of the bed-chamber. Their main work will *now* be telling the secrets of the Royal household to their *worthy* Patron.

SUPPLEMENT

*An extraordinary flight on the back of an eagle, over France to Gibraltar, South and North America, the Polar Regions, and back to England, within six-and-thirty hours.*

About the beginning of his present Majesty's reign, I had some business with a distant relation. He lived on the Isle of Thanet at that time. It was a family dispute, and it was not likely to end soon. The weather was fine while I stayed there, and I made a habit of walking out every morning. After a few of these walks I noticed something on a high hill about three miles away. I walked on to it and found the ruins of an ancient temple. I came near it with admiration and astonishment. Signs of greatness and beauty still remained, and they clearly proved how splendid it had once been. Here I could not help feeling sad about the damage and destruction that time causes. This once noble building was such a sad proof of it. I walked round it several times. I thought about how short and passing all earthly things are.

At the east end were the remains of a tall tower, nearly forty feet high. It was covered with ivy, and the top seemed to be flat. I looked at it very carefully from every side. I thought that from the top I would have a most delightful view of the country around. This hope gave me courage, and I decided to reach the top if I could. At last I managed it by climbing the ivy, though not without great difficulty and danger. I found the top covered with this evergreen plant, except for a large hole in the middle.

For a while I looked with pleasure and wonder at the beauties of art and nature all around me. Then curiosity made me want to measure the depth of the hole in the middle. I suspected that it might lead to some unexplored cave in the hill. But I had no line, so I did not know how to do it. I turned the matter over in my mind for some time. Then I decided to drop a stone down and listen for the echo. I found a stone that would do. I stood over the hole, with one foot on each side, and bent down to listen. Then I dropped the stone. As soon as I had done so, I heard a rustling below. Suddenly a huge eagle put up its head right in front of my face. It rose up with a force I could not resist. It carried me away, sitting on its shoulders. At once I held it tightly round the neck, which was large enough to fill my arms. Its wings, when they were spread, were ten yards from one tip to the other.

It rose steadily, so my seat was perfectly comfortable. I enjoyed the view below with a pleasure I cannot describe. It hovered over Margate for some time. Several people saw it, and they fired many shots at it. One ball hit the heel of my shoe, but it did not hurt me. Then the eagle flew to Dover cliff and landed there. I thought of getting off. But a party of marines were training on the beach, and they suddenly fired their muskets. That stopped me. The balls flew about my head. They rattled on the eagle's feathers like hail-stones, yet I could not see that it was hurt at all. At once it rose again and flew over the sea towards Calais. It flew so very high that the Channel seemed no broader than the Thames at London Bridge.

In a quarter of an hour I found myself over a thick wood in France. Here the eagle came down very fast, and I slipped down to the back of its head. But it landed on a large tree and raised its head, and I got back into my seat as before. I saw no way of getting off without the danger of being killed by the fall. So I decided to sit tight. I thought it would carry me to the Alps, or some other high mountain, where I could get off safely. After resting a few minutes, it flew off again. It flew several times round the wood. It screamed loud enough to be heard across the English Channel. In a few minutes another eagle of the same kind rose out of the wood and flew straight towards us. It looked at me with clear signs of displeasure, and it came very near me. They flew round several times, and then they both turned towards the south-west.

I soon noticed that the eagle I was riding could not keep up with the other. Because of my weight, it kept sinking towards the earth. Its companion saw this. It turned round and placed itself so that the other could rest its head on its rump. In this way they flew on until noon. Then I saw the rock of Gibraltar very clearly. The day was clear, and although I was so high, the earth's surface looked just like a map. Land, sea, lakes, rivers, mountains and so on could all be seen perfectly. I had some knowledge of geography, so I could easily tell what part of the globe I was in.

While I was looking at this wonderful view, a terrible howling suddenly began all around me. In a moment I was surrounded by thousands of small, black, deformed, frightful-looking creatures. They pressed on me from all sides, so that I could not move hand or foot. But they had held me for no more than ten minutes when I heard music. It was the most delightful music you can imagine. Suddenly it changed into a most awful and tremendous noise. Compared with it, the sound of cannon or the loudest thunder was nothing. They were like gentle evening breezes next to the most terrible hurricane. But the noise was short. So it did not have the deadly effects that a longer noise would certainly have had.

The music began again. I saw a great number of the most beautiful little creatures seize the other party. They threw them very violently into something like a snuff-box, and they shut it. Then one of them threw it away at an incredible speed. He turned to me and spoke. He said that the ones they had caught were a party of devils. They had wandered away from their proper home. The box they were shut in would fly at the same speed for ten thousand years. Then it would burst by itself. The devils would get back their freedom and their powers, just as they have them now. As soon as he had finished telling me this, the music stopped. They all disappeared, and they left me in a state of mind very close to despair.

When I had calmed myself a little, I looked ahead with great pleasure. I saw that the eagles were getting ready to land on the peak of Teneriffe. They came down on the top of the rock. But I could see no way to escape if I got off, so I decided to stay where I was. The eagles sat down, and they seemed tired. The heat of the sun soon made them both fall asleep. I could not resist its charming power for long either. In the cool of the evening, after the sun had gone down below the horizon, the eagle moved under me and woke me. I had stretched myself out along its back. Now I sat up and took my travelling position again. Then they both flew off. They placed themselves as before and turned towards South America. The moon shone brightly all night, and I had a fine view of all the islands in those seas.

At about the break of day we reached the great continent of America, the part called Terra Firma. We came down on the top of a very high mountain. At this time the moon was far away in the west and covered by dark clouds. It gave just enough light for me to see a kind of shrubbery all around. The bushes had fruit rather like cabbages, and the eagles began to eat it very eagerly. I tried to find out where I was. But fogs and passing clouds wrapped me in the thickest darkness. The scene was made even more frightening by the terrible howling of wild beasts. Some of them seemed to be very near. But I decided to keep my seat. I thought the eagle would carry me away if any of them attacked.

When daylight began to appear, I thought of examining the fruit that I had seen the eagles eat. Some of it was hanging where I could easily reach it. I took out my knife and cut a slice. How great was my surprise! It looked exactly like roast beef, with fat and lean regularly mixed! I tasted it. It had a good flavour and was delicious. Then I cut several large slices and put them in my pocket. There I found a crust of bread that I had brought from Margate. I took it out and found three musket-balls in it. They had lodged there on Dover cliff. I took them out. I cut a few more slices and made a hearty meal of bread and cold beef fruit. Then I cut down two of the largest fruits that grew near me. I tied them together with one of my garters. I hung them over the eagle's neck for later, and at the same time I filled my pockets.

While I was doing these things, I noticed a large fruit like a blown-up bladder. I wanted to try an experiment on it. I stuck my knife into one of them, and a fine, pure liquor like Hollands gin rushed out. The eagles saw this and eagerly drank it up from the ground. I cut down the bladder as fast as I could. I saved about half a pint in the bottom of it. I tasted it, and I could not tell it from the best mountain wine. I drank it all and felt greatly refreshed. By this time the eagles were beginning to stagger against the bushes. I tried to keep my seat, but I was soon thrown some distance into the bushes.

As I tried to get up, I put my hand on a large hedgehog. It happened to be lying on its back in the grass. At once it closed round my hand, and I could not shake it off. I hit it several times against the ground, but it did no good. While I was doing this, I heard a rustling among the bushes. I looked up and saw a huge animal within three yards of me. I could not defend myself, so I held out both my hands. It rushed at me and seized the hand with the hedgehog on it. My hand was soon free. I ran some distance away. There I saw the creature suddenly drop down and die, with the hedgehog in its throat.

When the danger was past, I went to look at the eagles. I found them lying on the grass fast asleep. They were drunk from the liquor they had drunk. In fact, I felt considerably elevated by it myself. Everything was quiet, so I began to look for some more, and I soon found it. I cut down two large bladders of about a gallon each. I tied them together and hung them over the neck of the other eagle. I tied the two smaller ones round my own waist with a cord. Now I had a good stock of food and drink. I saw that the eagles were beginning to recover, so I took my seat again. In half an hour they rose majestically from the place. They took no notice at all of their load. Each took its old position again. They turned to the north, crossed the Gulf of Mexico and entered North America. Then they flew straight towards the Polar regions. This gave me the finest chance you can imagine of seeing this vast continent.

Before we entered the frozen zone, the cold began to affect me. But I made a hole in one of my bladders and took a drink. After that, the cold could not affect me at all. As we passed over Hudson's Bay, I saw several of the Company's ships lying at anchor. I also saw many tribes of Indians marching to market with their furs.

By this time I was quite used to my seat. I had become such an expert rider that I could sit up and look around me. But usually I lay along the eagle's neck and held it in my arms. I kept my hands deep in its feathers, to keep them warm.

In those cold climates I noticed that the eagles flew faster. I suppose they did this to keep their blood moving. As we passed Baffin's Bay, I saw several large Greenlandmen to the east. I also saw many surprising mountains of ice in those seas.

While I was looking at these wonders of nature, an idea came to me. This was a good chance to discover the north-west passage, if any such thing existed. I would get the reward that the government offered. I would also win the honour of a discovery with so many advantages for every European nation. But while my thoughts were lost in this pleasant dream, something alarmed me. The first eagle struck its head against a solid, transparent substance. In a moment the eagle I rode met the same fate. Both fell down, and they seemed to be dead.

Our lives would surely have ended here. But the sense of danger, and my strange situation, gave me great skill and quickness. Thanks to them we fell nearly two miles straight down. We fell as gently as if we had been let down on a rope. The eagles had struck against a frozen cloud, which is very common near the poles. As soon as I saw this, I acted. The two eagles were close together. I lay along the back of the front one and took hold of its wings to keep them spread out. At the same time I stretched out my legs behind me to hold up the wings of the other. This had the effect I wanted. We came down very safely on a mountain of ice. I guessed that it was about three miles above the level of the sea.

I got off and unloaded the eagles. I opened one of the bladders and gave some of the liquor to each of them. I did not once stop to think that all the horrors of destruction seemed to be against me. The roaring of the waves, the crashing of the ice and the howling of bears made a most awful and terrible scene. But I was so worried about the eagles' recovery that I did not notice the danger I was in. I did everything I could to help them. Then I stood over them, full of painful worry. I knew very well that only they could save me from this place of despair.

But suddenly a monstrous bear began to roar behind me, with a voice like thunder. I turned round and saw the creature just about to eat me. I had the bladder of liquor in my hands. In my fear I squeezed it so hard that it burst. The liquor flew into the animal's eyes and blinded it completely. At once it turned away from me and ran off, out of its mind. Soon it fell over a cliff of ice into the sea, and I saw it no more.

The danger was over, so I turned to the eagles again. I found them well on the way to recovery. I suspected that they were weak from lack of food. So I took one of the beef fruits, cut it into small slices and gave it to them. They ate it up very greedily.

I gave them plenty to eat and drink and put away the rest of my supplies. Then I took my seat as before. I made myself comfortable and arranged everything as well as I could. Then I began to eat and drink very heartily. Because of the mountain wine, as I called it, I became very cheerful. I began to sing a few verses of a song that I had learned as a boy. But the noise soon alarmed the eagles. They had been asleep because of all the liquor they had drunk. They rose up, and they seemed very frightened. Luckily for me, I had turned their heads towards the south-east by accident when I was feeding them. They flew on that course at great speed. In a few hours I saw the Western Isles. Soon after, I had the great pleasure of seeing Old England. I took no notice of the seas or islands that I passed over.

The eagles came down slowly as they got near the shore. I supposed they meant to land on one of the Welsh mountains. But when they were about sixty yards away, two guns loaded with balls were fired at them. One ball hit a bladder of liquor that hung at my waist. The other went into the breast of the front eagle, and it fell to the ground. The eagle I was riding was not hurt, and it flew away amazingly fast.

This alarmed me very much. I began to think that I could not possibly escape with my life. But when I had recovered a little, I looked down at the earth once more. To my great joy, I saw Margate a little way off. And the eagle was coming down on the old tower from which it had carried me off on the morning of the day before. As soon as it landed, I threw myself off. I was happy to find myself back in the world again. The eagle flew away in a few minutes. I sat down to calm my fluttering spirits, and after a few hours I had done so.

I soon visited my friends and told them about these adventures. Amazement showed on every face. They congratulated me again and again on my safe return, with real pleasure. And we spent the evening as we are doing now. Everyone present paid the highest compliments to my COURAGE and VERACITY.

### Glossary

- **veracity**: truthfulness; always telling the truth.
- **a warm berth**: a warm place to lie; a berth is a bed on a ship (here a joke about the hot volcano).
- **Vulcan and his Cyclops**: the Roman god of fire and metal-work, and the one-eyed giants who work for him.
- **every indulgence**: every kindness and pleasure (a polite hint that Venus became his lover).
- **forge**: a workshop with a fire where metal is heated and shaped.
- **league**: an old measure of distance, about three miles (about 5 km).
- **bowsprit**: the long pole at the front of a sailing ship.
- **knot**: a measure of speed at sea.
- **mites**: tiny creatures that live in old cheese.
- **hogshead**: a very large barrel.
- **speak within compass**: to say no more than the truth; not to exaggerate.
- **covey**: a small group of partridges.
- **leash**: in hunting, a group of three.
- **ramrod**: a rod for pushing powder and shot into an old gun.
- **utensil … for private purposes**: a chamber pot or toilet (also a joke on Sir William's name, Chambers).
- **quadrangle**: a square open space with buildings round it.
- **lords of the bed-chamber**: noblemen who served the King in his private rooms.
- **Patron**: here Mr. Pitt, the prime minister; the joke is that the Cheese Islander will tell him the King's secrets.
- **his present Majesty**: the King of England at the time the Baron tells his story (George III).
- **marines**: soldiers who serve on ships.
- **rump**: the back end of a bird's or animal's body.
- **snuff-box**: a small box for snuff (tobacco that people breathed in through the nose).
- **Terra Firma**: "dry land" (Latin); here the old name for the north coast of South America.
- **garter**: a band that held up a man's stockings.
- **bladder**: a soft bag that holds liquid or air.
- **Hollands gin; mountain wine**: a strong Dutch drink; a sweet Spanish wine.
- **considerably elevated**: quite a bit drunk and very cheerful.
- **the Company's ships**: the ships of the Hudson's Bay Company, which traded in furs.
- **Greenlandmen**: ships that hunted whales near Greenland.
- **north-west passage**: a sea route north of America; explorers looked for it, and the government offered a reward.

## Preface to the Second Volume

Baron Munchausen has certainly done much good to the world of books. There have been so many outrageous travellers. It took a real Gulliver to do better than them. Baron de Tott boldly fired an enormous cannon. But Baron Munchausen has done more. He has taken it and swum with it across the sea. Travellers like to be the heroes of their own stories. Surely they must admit that he is better. They must blush to see themselves beaten by the famous Munchausen. I doubt whether anyone so far has been able to beat our Baron at this kind of excellence. Not Pantagruel, not Gargantua, not Captain Lemuel, and not De Tott. At present our curiosity seems to be turned mainly towards the interior of Africa. So it must be useful to have the true story of Munchausen's adventures there. It is good to have it before any more news arrives. He seems to fit himself and his deeds to the spirit of the times. He tells what he thinks will interest his listeners most.

I do not say that the Baron, in the following stories, means a satire on any political matters at all. No; but if the reader understands them that way, I cannot help it.

Suppose the Baron meets a group of negro ships. They are carrying white people into slavery, to work on their plantations in a cold climate. Should we therefore imagine that he means a comment on the present traffic in human flesh? And that, if the negroes did this, it would be simple justice, as retaliation is the law of God! We might think this was a comment on some present trade or political matter. But then we might be tempted to see political ideas everywhere. Perhaps we would see them in every page and every sentence of the whole book. The reader must judge whether these things are the Baron's intentions or not.

In this vile world we have had not only wonderful travellers, but also splenetic travellers. There have been quite a few of these, and some were famous enough. So it is a pity that the Baron has not tried to beat them too, in this kind of story-telling. Who can read the travels of Smellfungus, as Sterne calls him, without admiration? Just think of it! A person from the North of Scotland travelled through some of the finest countries in Europe. And he found fault with everything he met. Nothing pleased him! So, I think, the Tour to the Hebrides is easier to excuse. Perhaps Mr. Twiss's Tour in Ireland is too. Dr. Johnson was brought up in the luxury of London. He had more reason to become cross and splenetic in the bleak, dreary lands of the Hebrides.

In the following work the Baron sometimes seems to be philosophical. Look at his account of the language of the interior of Africa. See how like it is to the language of the people of the moon. It shows that he knows a great deal about the ancient history of words and nations. It also throws new light on the dark and difficult history of the ancient Scythians. And it throws new light on the Collectanea.

He tries to end the custom of eating live flesh in the interior of Africa. Bruce's Travels describes this custom. The Baron's attempt is truly humane. But then there are Gog and Magog and the Lord Mayor's show. I would never suppose that he means a satire on any person or group of people by them. In his story there is also a long, boring lawsuit. It has blind judges and dumb matrons who follow a wild goose chase all round the world. Nor would I suppose that he is hinting at any real trial.

Still, I must admit that Munchausen was far too bold. He told half the rulers of the world that they were wrong. He even advised them what they ought to do. They order millions of their people to kill one another. Instead, he said, they should use their forces together for the general good. That would be better for them. As if he knew better than the Empress of Russia, the Grand Vizier or Prince Potemkin! Or better than any other butcher in the world! But he is a royal Aristocrat. He takes the side of the injured Queen of France in the present political drama. That does not surprise me at all. I suppose his mind was fired up by reading the pamphlet written by Mr. Burke.

### Glossary

- **satire**: writing that makes fun of people or politics to show what is wrong with them.
- **Gulliver**: the hero of "Gulliver's Travels", who visits impossible lands.
- **Pantagruel, Gargantua, Captain Lemuel**: giants from Rabelais' comic books, and Lemuel Gulliver.
- **traffic in human flesh**: the slave trade (buying and selling people).
- **negro**: an old word for a black person, now offensive.
- **retaliation**: doing the same harm back to someone who harmed you.
- **splenetic**: bad-tempered; always complaining.
- **Smellfungus**: Sterne's nickname for a traveller who complains about everything.
- **Tour to the Hebrides**: a book about a journey to the islands of western Scotland; Dr. Johnson wrote about this journey and criticised the Scots.
- **Scythians**: an ancient people.
- **Collectanea**: a book of collected writings about the ancient history of peoples.
- **Bruce's Travels**: James Bruce's book about Abyssinia (Ethiopia), which tells of people eating meat cut from living cows.
- **matrons**: respectable married women.
- **wild goose chase**: a long, hopeless chase.
- **royal Aristocrat**: a supporter of the French king and nobles against the French Revolution.
- **the pamphlet written by Mr. Burke**: Edmund Burke's book against the French Revolution (1790).

## Chapter XXI

*The Baron insists on the veracity of his earlier memoirs—He plans to make discoveries in the interior of Africa—His talk with Hilaro Frosticos about it—His conversation with Lady Fragrantia—The Baron goes to Court with other people of high rank, and tells a story about the Marquis de Bellecourt.*

All that I have told you before, said the Baron, is gospel. If anyone is bold enough to deny it, I am ready to fight him with any weapon he likes. Yes, cried he in a louder voice, as he jumped up from his seat. I will make him swallow this decanter, glass and all perhaps! And it will be filled with kerren-wasser \[a kind of strong spirit made from cherries, and much drunk in some parts of Germany\]. So, my dear friends and companions, trust what I say, and give honour to the tales of Munchausen. A traveller has a right to tell his adventures and to decorate them as he likes. It is very rude to refuse them the respect and applause they deserve.

I had spent some time in England since I finished my earlier memoirs. At last I began to think what a huge field of discovery there must be in the interior of Africa. I could not sleep for thinking of it. So I decided to get every proper help from the Government. I wanted to reach the famous source of the Nile. I wanted to become viceroy of the inner kingdoms of Africa, or at least of the great realm of Monomotapa. Luckily for me, I had one very powerful friend at court. I shall call him the illustrious Hilaro Frosticos. Perhaps you do not know him by that name. But we had a language of our own, and well we might. In the course of my travels I have learned precisely nine hundred and ninety-nine leash of languages. What! gentlemen, do you stare? Well, I admit that there are not so many languages spoken in this vile world. But then, have I not been in the moon? And believe me, one day I shall write a book on education. In it I shall describe ways of teaching whole dozens of languages at once: French, Spanish, Greek, Hebrew, Cherokee, etc. My methods will put all the teachers in the world to shame.

I spent a whole night without sleep, because my mind was so full of African discoveries. Then I went quickly to the levee of my illustrious friend Hilaro Frosticos. I told him my plan with all the energy of my imagination. He thought about my words gravely. After some solemn thought, he spoke like this: *Olough, ma genesat, istum fullanah, cum dera kargos belgarasah eseum balgo bartigos triangulissimus!* However, he added, it behoveth thee to think long and well about the perils and the many dangers on thy way. They wait for every man who sets out on such adventures. And verily, most valiant sire and Baron, I hope thou wilt behave with all praiseworthy seriousness and care. Such care is worth more than all the merit on this earth. The three hundred and forty-seventh chapter of the Prophilactics tells us so. Yes, truly I give thee this advice for thy good. I speak unto thee, most valiant Munchausen, with the greatest respect, and I wish thee success on thy voyage. For it is said that there are tribes in the inner realms of Africa. They can see only three inches and a half beyond the end of their noses. And verily thou shouldest control thyself, and go sure and slow; they stumble who walk fast. But we shall bring you to the Lady Fragrantia and hear her opinion of the matter. Then he took from his pocket a cap of dignity, like those in the most honourable and ancient heraldry. He placed it on my head and spoke to me like this: "Thou seemest to bring back the spirit of ancient adventure. So permit me to place this favour upon thy head, as a sign of the respect I have for thy courage."

The Lady Fragrantia, my dear friends, was one of the most divine creatures in all Great Britain. And she was desperately in love with me. She was drawing my portrait on a piece of white satin when the most noble Hilaro Frosticos came in. He pointed to the cap of dignity that he had placed on my head. "I do declare, Hilaro," said the lovely Fragrantia, "'tis pretty, 'tis interesting. I love you, and I like you, my dear Baron," she said, and she put on another plume. "This gives it a more delicate and more fanciful look. I do this, my dear Munchausen, as your friend. Yet you can refuse or accept my present just as you please. But I like the idea; it is a good one, and I mean to improve it. And whatever enemies you go against, I shall have the sweet pleasure of remembering that you wear my favour on your head!"

I snatched it nervously. I dropped gracefully on my knees and kissed it three times, with all the rapture of romantic love. "I swear," cried I, "by thy bright eyes, and by the lovely whiteness of thine arm! No savage, tyrant or enemy on the face of the earth shall take this favour from me. Not while one drop of the blood of the Munchausens flows in my veins! I will carry it in triumph through the kingdoms of Africa, where I am now going. And I will make it respected, even at the court of Prester John."

"I admire your spirit," she replied. "I shall use all my influence at court to have you sent off with every pomp, and as soon as possible. But here comes a most brilliant company indeed: Lady Carolina Wilhelmina Amelia Skeggs, Lord Spigot, and Lady Faucet, and the Countess of Belleair."

After we had all been introduced, we began to discuss the business. Everyone applauded the plan. So it was decided at once that I should set off without delay, as soon as I had the sovereign's approval. "I am sure," said Lord Spigot, "that if anything is really unknown and worthy of our keenest curiosity, it must be in the huge regions of Africa. That country seems to be the oldest on the globe. Yet we know almost nothing about the greater part of it. What enormous wealth of gold and diamonds must lie hidden in those hot regions! Even the rivers on the coast keep pouring out samples of golden sand! So in my opinion the Baron deserves the applause of all Europe for his spirit. And he deserves the strongest help of the sovereign."

Such flattering approval, you may be sure, delighted my heart. Full of confidence and joy, I let them take me to court that very moment. After the usual ceremonies of introduction, I need only say this. I met with every honour and applause that my highest hopes could ask for. I always had a taste for the fashionable *je ne sais quoi* of the most elegant society. In the presence of all the sovereigns of Europe I always felt quite at home. And the whole court showed me the most flattering respect and admiration.

I remember the fate of the unfortunate Marquis de Bellecourt on one particular day. The Countess of Rassinda, who came with him, looked most divine. "Yes, I am sure," the Marquis de Bellecourt said to me. "I have acted with the strictest sense of justice and of loyalty to my sovereign. What stronger breast-plate is there than a pure heart? I have not received a word or a look. Yet I cannot think—no, it is impossible that anyone has told lies about me. I know that I am honest, so I will try again—I will go boldly up." The Marquis de Bellecourt saw his chance. He stepped three paces forward, put his hand on his breast and bowed. "Permit me," he said, "with the most profound respect, to——." His tongue failed him. He could hardly believe his eyes, for at that moment the whole company were moving out of the room. He found himself almost alone, deserted by everyone. "What!" he said, "and did he turn upon his heel with the most marked contempt? Would he not speak to me? Would he not even hear me say a word in my defence?" His heart died within him. Not even a look, or a smile, from anyone. "My friends! Do they not know me? Do they not see me? Alas! they are afraid to catch the infection of my——. Then," he said, "adieu!—'tis more than I can bear. I shall go to my country house, and never, never will I return. Adieu, fond court, adieu!—"

The old and honourable Marquis de Bellecourt stopped for a moment before he got into his carriage. Three times he looked back, and three times he wiped a tear from his eye. "Yes," he said, "for once, at least, truth shall be found—in the bottom of a well!"

Peace to thy ghost, most noble marquis! A King of kings shall pity thee. Thousands who are not yet born shall owe their happiness to thee. They shall have reason to bless the thousands, perhaps, who shall never even know thy name. But Munchausen himself shall celebrate thy glory!

### Glossary

- **veracity**: truthfulness; always telling the truth.
- **gospel**: here, the complete truth.
- **decanter**: a glass bottle for serving wine or spirits.
- **viceroy**: a man who rules a country for a king.
- **Monomotapa**: an old kingdom in south-east Africa.
- **leash**: in hunting, a group of three.
- **levee**: a morning reception for visitors.
- **thee, thou, thy, thyself, thine, wilt, verily, behoveth**: old words: you, your, yourself, your, will, truly, it is right or necessary.
- **illustrious**: famous and greatly respected.
- **valiant**: brave.
- **perils**: dangers.
- **Prophilactics**: an invented book with a learned-sounding name.
- **heraldry**: the old art of noble family signs, shields and badges.
- **favour**: here, a ribbon or feather that a lady gives a knight to wear.
- **plume**: a large feather worn on a hat.
- **je ne sais quoi**: (French) a special quality that you cannot name.
- **breast-plate**: armour that covers the chest.
- **adieu, fond court**: goodbye (French), foolish court that I loved.
- **truth … in the bottom of a well**: an old saying: truth is hidden and hard to find.
- **Prester John**: a king from old legends, here a ruler in Africa.

## Chapter XXII

*Preparations for the Baron's journey into Africa—A description of his chariot; the beauty of its decorations inside; the animals that pulled it, and the machinery of the wheels.*

Everything was now decided, and I had received my instructions for the voyage. Then the illustrious Hilaro Frosticos, the Lady Fragrantia and a huge crowd of nobles led me away. They placed me sitting on the top of the whale's bones at the palace. I stayed in this position for three days and three nights. It was a trial, and a proof of my perseverance and determination. Then, at the third hour after midnight, they seated me in the chariot of Queen Mab.

It was enormous. It could hold more cargo than the tun of Heidelberg, and it was round like a hazel-nut. In fact, it really seemed to be a hazel-nut that had grown to a most enormous size. A great worm of the same huge size seemed to have bored a hole in the shell. I was shown in through this hole. It was as large as a coach-door. I took my seat in the centre, on a kind of chair. The chair balanced itself without touching anything, like the imagined tomb of Mahomet.

The whole inside surface of the nutshell was a shining picture of all the stars of heaven. There were the fixed stars, the planets and a comet. The stars were as large as the stars worn by our highest nobles. The comet was extremely bright. It seemed as if someone had collected all the eyes of the beautiful girls in the kingdom. Then they had put them together, like the feathers of a peacock, into the shape of a comet. So it had a ball, with a bearded tail that grew slowly thinner to a point.

This beautiful group of stars seemed very playful and delightful. It was shaped very much like a tadpole! It never stopped moving. Full of playful giddiness, it went up and down all over the heaven on the curved inside of the nutshell. One moment it was in the part of the heavens under my feet. The next minute it was over my head. It was never at rest. It was always going east, west, north or south. It showed no more respect to the different worlds than if they were lanterns without reflectors. The comet knocked against some of them and pushed them out of their places. Others it burned up to ashes. Others again it split into small pieces. These pieces at once became round, like spilled quicksilver. Then they became moons of any other worlds they happened to meet on their way. In short, the whole thing seemed a small copy of the creation, past, present and future. Everything that happens among the stars in one thousand years happened here, as a rule, in as many seconds.

I looked at all the beauties of the chariot with wonder and delight.

"Certainly," I cried, "this is heaven in miniature!"

In short, I took the reins in my hand. But before I go on with my adventures, I shall describe the rest of my equipment.

The chariot was pulled by a team of nine bulls. They were harnessed to it three after three. In the first row was a most tremendous bull named John Mowmowsky. The others were called Jacks in general, and none of them was honoured with a name of his own. They were all shod for the journey. But they were not shod with iron, like horses, or like the cattle that pull a cart. Instead, they were shod with men's skulls. Each of their feet, hoof and all, was pushed hard into a man's head. The head had been cut off for this purpose. The foot was fixed inside it with a kind of cement or paste. So the skull seemed to be part of the animal's foot and hoof. With these skull-shoes the animals could make astonishing journeys. They could also slide over the water, or over the ocean, at great speed.

The harnesses were fastened with golden buckles and decorated with studs in a superb style. The bulls were ridden by nine postillions. These were crickets of a great size, as large as monkeys. They sat squatting on the heads of the bulls. They chirped all the time at a most infernal rate. Their noise was as loud as their bodies were large.

The wheels of the chariot had more than ten thousand springs. These were made to give the vehicle more speed and force. They were more complicated than a dozen clocks like the one at Strasburgh. The outside of the chariot was decorated with banners. There was also a superb festoon of laurel that once shaded me on horseback.

And now I have given you a very short description of my machine for travelling into Africa. You must agree that it is far better than the equipment of Monsieur Vaillant. So I shall go on to tell you the great deeds of my voyage.

### Glossary

- **illustrious**: famous and greatly respected.
- **perseverance**: the quality of continuing with something difficult and not giving up.
- **chariot**: a grand carriage.
- **Queen Mab**: the queen of the fairies in old English stories.
- **tun of Heidelberg**: a famous, enormous wine barrel in Heidelberg, Germany.
- **tomb of Mahomet**: an old legend said that the Prophet's coffin floats in the air.
- **quicksilver**: the liquid metal mercury; when you spill it, it breaks into little round drops.
- **peacock**: a large bird with long, very colourful tail feathers.
- **tadpole**: a very young frog: a round body with a long tail.
- **giddiness**: a silly, excited feeling that makes you move about wildly.
- **in miniature**: in a very small size.
- **reins**: the long straps that a driver holds to guide the animals.
- **shod**: given shoes; horses are usually shod with iron shoes.
- **hoof**: the hard foot of a horse, a bull and some other animals.
- **postillions**: the riders on the animals that pull a carriage; here, the giant crickets.
- **infernal**: terrible, as if from hell.
- **Strasburgh**: Strasbourg; its cathedral has a famous and very complicated clock.
- **festoon of laurel**: a long chain of laurel leaves hung as decoration; laurel is a sign of glory.
- **Monsieur Vaillant**: François Le Vaillant, a French traveller who wrote about his journeys in Africa.

## Chapter XXIII

*The Baron goes on with his voyage—He escorts a squadron to Gibraltar—He refuses the island of Candia—His chariot is damaged by Pompey's Pillar and Cleopatra's Needle—The Baron does better than Alexander—He breaks his chariot, and splits a great rock at the Cape of Good Hope.*

I took the reins in my hand while the music played a general salute. I cracked my whip, and away they went. In three hours I found myself just between the Isle of Wight and the mainland of England. I stayed here four days. I was waiting for part of my company, which I had orders to take under my convoy. It was a squadron of men-of-war. It had been prepared for a long time for the Baltic, but now it was going to the Mediterranean.

The men-of-war hooked themselves onto the wheels of the vehicle with large hooks and eyes. These were exactly like the hooks and eyes we wear in our hats, but bigger. Each one weighed some hundredweight. In fact, nothing could be simpler or more convenient. They could be hooked or unhooked in an instant, with the greatest ease. In short, the ships fired all their guns together and gave three cheers. I cracked my whip, and away we went, helter skelter. In six jiffies I found myself and all my retinue safe and in good spirits at the rock of Gibraltar.

Here I unhooked my squadron. I said an affectionate goodbye to the officers. Then I let them go on in their usual way to the place where they were going. The whole garrison was very pleased with my new kind of vehicle. The governor and officers begged me to come ashore, so I went. I took a look at that barren old rock. More powder has been fired away over it than would buy twice as much fertile land anywhere in the world!

I got into my chariot again and took the reins. I drove on wildly down the Mediterranean to the isle of Candia. Here I received letters from the Sublime Porte. They begged me to help them in the war against Russia. As a reward for my help, they offered me the whole island of Candia. At first I hesitated. At that time I was working for a sovereign. I thought that the island of Candia would be a most valuable gain for him. The most delicious wines, sugar, etc., would grow in great amounts on the island. But then I thought about the trade of the East India Company. It would most probably suffer from trade with Persia through the Mediterranean. So I refused the offer at once. Afterwards I received the thanks of the Honourable the House of Commons for my good conduct and political judgement.

I rested well at Candia and went on again. In a short time I arrived in the land of Egypt. The land of this country is very low, at least the part near the sea. So I was on it before I knew it. The Pillar of Pompey got caught in the various wheels of the machine, and it damaged the whole thing badly. Still I drove on through thick and thin. Then I passed over that great obelisk, the Needle of Cleopatra. The machinery got caught again. It jolted at a miserable rate over the mud and swampy ground of all that country. Yet my poor bulls trotted on with astonishing effort. They crossed the Isthmus of Suez into the Red Sea. They left a track behind them, a faint channel. Since then, De Tott has taken it for the remains of a canal. He thought that one of the Ptolemies had cut it from the Red Sea to the Mediterranean. But, as you see, it was really nothing more than the track of my chariot, the car of Queen Mab.

The craftsmen in that country today are nothing wonderful. People say that the ancient Egyptians were most astonishing fellows, but the modern ones are not. So I could not get any new coach-springs. I could not possibly put my machine right in the kingdom of Egypt. I did not dare to try another journey over land. Nor did I dare to cross the great mountains of marble beyond the source of the Nile. So I thought it best to go by sea, as well as I could, to the Cape of Good Hope. There I expected to find some Dutch smiths and carpenters, or perhaps some English craftsmen. When my vehicle was properly repaired, I planned to go on from there over land, through the heart of Africa.

I knew well that the surface of the water gave less resistance to the wheels of the machine. It went along the waves like the chariot of Neptune. In short, we got onto the Red Sea and sped away wonderfully. We went through the pass of Babelmandeb to the great Western coast of Africa, where Alexander did not have the courage to go.

And really, my friends, if Alexander had gone towards the Cape of Good Hope, he would probably never have returned. It is difficult to say whether anyone lived in the more southern parts of Africa at that time. But in any case, this conqueror of the world would have made a nonsensical adventure. His miserable ships were not built for a long voyage. They would have begun to leak, and they would have sunk before he could sail round the Cape. That would have left his Majesty well beyond the edge of the world known at that time. Yet it would have been a grand exit for an Alexander. After he had conquered Persia and India, he would be wandering the Lord knows where! Perhaps he would go to Jup or Ammon, or on a voyage to the moon. That is what an Indian chief once said to Captain Cook.

But for my part, I was far more successful than Alexander. I drove on with the most amazing speed. I meant to stop on shore at the Cape. But unfortunately I drove too close. I smashed the wheels on the right side of my vehicle against the rock that is now called Table Mountain. The machine hit it with such force that it split the rock completely, in a horizontal line. So the top of the mountain, which was shaped like half a ball, was knocked into the sea. In this way the steep mountain became flat at the top. Since then it has been called Table Mountain, because it looks like that piece of furniture.

Just as this part of the mountain was knocked off, the ghost of the Cape was discovered. He is that tremendous spirit who plays such a big part in the Lusiad. He was sitting squatting in a hollow made for him in the centre of the mountain. He looked just like a young bee in its little cell before it comes out, or like a bean in a bean-pod. The upper part of the mountain was split across and knocked off. So the upper half of his body could be seen. He was a bottle-blue colour. He jumped, dazzled by the sudden bright light. He heard the dreadful rattle of the wheels and the loud chirping of the crickets, and he was thunder-struck. At once he gave a shriek and sank down ten thousand fathoms into the earth. The mountain threw out some smoke, closed up silently, and left not a trace behind!

### Glossary

- **convoy**: a group of ships travelling together for protection; to take ships under your convoy is to protect them on the way.
- **squadron**: a group of warships.
- **helter skelter**: in a wild hurry.
- **jiffies**: very short moments.
- **retinue**: the group of people travelling with an important person.
- **Candia**: the old name for the island of Crete.
- **Sublime Porte**: the government of the Turkish Sultan.
- **Pompey's Pillar, Needle of Cleopatra**: famous ancient stone monuments in Alexandria, Egypt; the Needle is an obelisk, a tall, thin stone pillar.
- **chariot of Neptune**: Neptune was the Roman god of the sea; his chariot raced over the waves.
- **Jup or Ammon**: Jupiter Ammon, an Egyptian god whose temple Alexander visited.
- **Lusiad**: "The Lusiads", an old Portuguese poem; in it a giant ghost guards the Cape of Good Hope.
- **fathoms**: measures of depth; one fathom is six feet (about 1.8 metres).

## Chapter XXIV

*The Baron stores his chariot, etc., at the Cape and takes a passage for England in a homeward-bound Indiaman—He is wrecked on an island of ice near the coast of Guinea—He escapes from the wreck and grows many kinds of vegetables on the island—He meets some ships belonging to the negroes, who are bringing white slaves from Europe, in revenge, to work on their plantations in a cold climate near the South Pole—He arrives in England and gives an account of his expedition to the Privy Council—Great preparations for a new expedition—The Sphinx, Gog and Magog, and a great company go with him—The ideas of Hilaro Frosticos about the inner parts of Africa.*

I saw with grief and shock that all my equipment had failed. Yet I was not completely discouraged: a great mind is never known except in adversity. The Dutch governor gave his permission, and the chariot was properly stored in a great storehouse. It had been built at the water's edge. The bulls received every possible refreshment after such a terrible voyage. Well, you may be sure they deserved it. So I arranged every care for them until I should return.

Nothing more could be done. So I took my passage in a homeward-bound Indiaman to return to London. There I would lay the matter before the Privy Council.

Nothing special happened until we reached the coast of Guinea. There, to our complete astonishment, we saw a great hill coming towards us in the open sea. It seemed to be made of glass. The rays of the sun shone on it so brightly that it was very hard to look at it. I knew at once that it was an island of ice. We were in a very warm latitude. Even so, I decided to put up all possible sail and escape from such a horrible danger. We did so, but all in vain. At about eleven o'clock at night we struck the island. A very hard gale was blowing, and it was extremely dark.

Nothing could equal the panic, the shrieks and the despair of the whole crew. But I knew there was not a moment to lose. I cheered them up. I told them not to lose hope, but to do as I asked them. In a few minutes the ship was half full of water. The enormous castle of ice seemed to close us in on every side. In some places it fell in hideous pieces onto the deck, and it killed one half of the crew. Then I climbed to the top of the mast. I managed to tie it fast to a great point of the ice. I called to the rest of the crew to follow me. So we all escaped from the wreck and got onto the top of the island.

The rising sun soon showed us our terrible situation. It also showed us the loss, or rather the iceification, of the ship. During the night castles of ice had closed her in on every side. She was completely frozen over and buried. We could see her under our feet, right in the solid middle of the island. We discussed what was best to do. Then we at once cut down through the ice and brought up some of the ship's cables, and the boats. We tied these to the island and towed it with all our strength. We were determined to bring home the island and all, or die in the attempt.

We spread all the oakum and waste of every kind from the ship on the top of the island. The ice was melting and the sun was warm. So within a very few hours this waste turned into a very fine manure. I had some seeds of exotic vegetables in my pocket. Soon we had enough fruits and roots growing on the island to feed the whole crew. The bread-fruit tree was especially useful, as a few plants of it had been on the ship. There was another tree which bore plum-puddings. They were very hot, with such a perfect amount of sugar, fruit, etc. We all agreed that it was not possible to taste anything of the kind more delicious in England. In short, scurvy had spread terribly among the crew before we struck the ice. But the supply of vegetables, and especially the bread-fruit and pudding-fruit, stopped the illness almost at once.

We went on like this for many weeks. We moved forward with incredible effort by towing all the time. Then we met a fleet of Negro-men, as they call them. These wretches, I must tell you, my dear friends, had found a way to capture these ships. They had taken them from some Europeans on the coast of Guinea. Then they had tasted the sweets of luxury. So they had set up colonies on several newly discovered islands near the South Pole. There they had many plantations of crops that grow only in the coldest climates. But the black people of Guinea were not suited to the climate and the terrible cold of that country. So they formed the diabolical plan of getting Christian slaves to work for them.

For this purpose they sent ships every year to the coast of Scotland, the northern parts of Ireland, and Wales. They were even sometimes seen off the coast of Cornwall. They bought a great number of men, women and children, or trapped them by fraud or violence. Then they went with their cargoes of human flesh to the other end of the world. There they sold them to their planters. The slaves were flogged until they obeyed. They were made to work like horses for the rest of their lives.

My blood ran cold at the thought. Everyone on the island also expressed horror that such a wicked trade was allowed to exist. But it was impossible to destroy the trade except by open force. This was because of a barbarous prejudice which the negroes had held lately: that the white people have no souls! However, we were determined to attack them. We steered our island down onto them and soon overwhelmed them. We saved as many of the white people as possible, but pushed all the blacks into the water again. The poor creatures we saved from slavery were so overjoyed that they wept aloud with gratitude. And we felt every delightful feeling when we thought of the happiness we would bring. We would shower it on their parents, their brothers and sisters and their children. For we would bring them home safe, freed from slavery, to the arms of their native country.

We arrived happily in England. At once I laid a report of my voyage, etc., before the Privy Council. I begged for immediate help to travel into Africa. If possible, I also wanted to repair my former machine and take it along with the rest. Everything was granted at once, just as I wished. I received orders to get myself ready to leave as soon as possible.

The Emperor of China had sent a most curious animal to Europe as a present. It was kept in the Tower. It was enormous, and able to make the voyage with *éclat*. So she was ordered to go with me. She was called Sphinx. She was one of the most tremendous, yet magnificent, figures I ever saw. She was harnessed with superb trappings to a large flat-bottomed boat. In the boat stood a wooden building, exactly like Westminster Hall. Two balloons were placed above it. They were tied to the boat by many ropes to keep a proper balance. They stopped it from turning over or filling with water under the huge weight of the building.

Inside, the building had seats in the form of an amphitheatre. It was packed as full as it could hold with ladies and lords. They were a council and retinue for your humble servant. Near the centre was an elegantly decorated seat for me. On each side of me sat the famous Gog and Magog in all their pomp.

The Lord Viscount Gosamer was our postillion. We floated gallantly down the river. The noble Sphinx played in the water like the huge leviathan and towed the boat and balloons behind her.

So we went on, sailing gently, into the open sea. The weather was calm, and we could hardly feel the movement of the vehicle. We spent our time in grand debate about the glorious aim of our voyage. We also talked about the discoveries that would come from it.

"In my opinion," said my noble friend, Hilaro Frosticos, "Africa was at first inhabited mostly by lions. Or I may say it was conquered by them. After man, lions seem to be the most feared of all mortal tyrants. The country in general seems rather hostile to human life, at least the part we have discovered so far. There is the terrible dryness of the place. There are the burning sands that bury whole armies and cities in ruin. And there is the hideous life that many wandering tribes are forced to lead. All this makes me think one thing. If we ever make any great settlements there, it will become the grave of our countrymen. Yet it is nearer to us than the East Indies. And I cannot help imagining one thing. In many places every product of China, and of the East and West Indies, would grow well with proper care. The country is so hugely large and unknown. What a source of discovery it must hold! In fact, we know less about the inside of Africa than we do about the moon. For on the moon we measure the very heights. We look at the different shapes and the rough places of its surface through our telescopes—

"Forests and mountains on her spotted orb.

"But in the inside of Africa we see nothing except what some map-makers or geographers are fanciful enough to imagine. So what a happy result we should expect from this voyage of discovery and colonisation! It is planned in such a magnificent style. What a pride—what a gain for philosophy!"

### Glossary

- **adversity**: a time of great difficulty and bad luck.
- **Indiaman**: a large merchant ship that traded with India.
- **iceification**: (joke word) being turned into ice.
- **oakum**: old rope fibres, used on ships.
- **scurvy**: an illness of sailors, caused by a lack of fresh fruit and vegetables.
- **Negro-men, negroes, the blacks**: old words used in the source for black African people; today they are offensive.
- **Privy Council**: the King's group of advisers.
- **éclat**: (French) brilliant success and show.
- **amphitheatre**: a building with rows of seats in a circle, each row higher than the one in front.
- **your humble servant**: a polite old way of saying "I" or "me".
- **leviathan**: a huge sea monster from the Bible.
- **orb**: a round object, here the moon.

## Chapter XXV

*Count Gosamer is thrown by Sphinx into the snow on the top of Teneriffe—Gog and Magog guide Sphinx for the rest of the voyage—The Baron arrives at the Cape, and joins his former chariot, etc., to his new retinue—He goes into Africa, travelling north from the Cape—He defeats a great army of lions by a clever trick—He travels through an immense desert—His whole company, chariot, etc., are buried by a whirlwind of sand—He gets them out, and arrives in a fertile country.*

The brave Count Gosamer wore a pair of hell-fire spurs and rode on Sphinx. He steered the whole retinue towards the Madeiras. But the Count had no small share of an amiable vanity. He saw great crowds of people, Gascons, etc., gathered on the French coast. So he could not stop himself from showing them some strange capers which they had never seen before. Above all, he saw all the members of the National Assembly lined up along the shore. They had come as a piece of French politeness, to honour this expedition. Rousseau, Voltaire, and Beelzebub were at their head. Then he dug his spurs into Sphinx. At the same time he whipped and cracked away as hard as he could. He held in the reins with all his strength. He was trying to make the creature plunge and give the crowd an unusual show.

But Sphinx was sulky and bad-tempered at that time. She did plunge, indeed. It was such a devil of a plunge that she threw him over her head in one jerk. He fell headlong into the water in front of her. This was in the Bay of Biscay, which all the world knows is a very rough sea. Sphinx was afraid that he would drown. So she did not turn to the left or the right. She went on furiously and just lowered her head a little. Then she sucked the poor count off the water into her mouth. She took in two or three tuns of water along with him. But to such an enormous creature as Sphinx, this was no more than a spoonful would be to you or me.

She swallowed him. But when he was in her stomach, his long spurs scratched and tickled her badly. They worked like an emetic. He had only just gone in when out he was shot with the most horrible force. He flew out like a ball or a shell from a mortar. Sphinx was quite sea-sick at this time. The unfortunate count was thrown out like a sky-rocket. He landed on the peak of Teneriffe and was buried over head and ears in the snow—*requiescat in pace!*

I saw all this trouble from my seat in the ark. But I was laughing so hard that I could not say a single clear word. And now Sphinx had lost her postillion. She went on in a zigzag line and jumped about in a most dreadful way. Everything would have been wrecked if I had not given instant orders to Gog and Magog to go out. They plunged into the water. They swam on each side of the animal until at last they got right in front of her. Then they seized the reins. So they went on swimming on each side, like tritons, holding Sphinx's muzzle. Meanwhile I went out and sat astride on the creature's back. In this way I steered forward on our voyage to the Cape of Good Hope.

When we arrived at the Cape, I at once gave orders to repair my former chariot and machines. The excellent craftsmen I had brought with me from Europe did this very quickly. And now that everything was ready again, we set out on the water. Perhaps nothing more glorious or more grand was ever seen. It was magnificent to see Sphinx bow low on the water. The crickets chirped on the bulls to return the salute. Meanwhile Gog and Magog went forward and took the reins of the great John Mowmowsky. They led the bulls, chariot and all, towards us. At once they fixed them to the front part of the ark with hooks and eyes. Then they harnessed Sphinx in front of all the bulls.

So the whole procession looked tremendous and full of triumph. In front the mighty Sphinx floated forwards, with Gog and Magog on each side. Next came the bulls in order, with crickets on their heads. Then came the chariot of Queen Mab, with its curious seat and its orrery of heaven. After that came the boat and ark of council, with two balloons on top of it. These made the whole look lighter and more elegant. In the galleries under the balloons, and on the backs of the bulls, I placed a number of excellent singers. They had martial music of clarinets and trumpets. They sang the "Watery Dangers," and the "Pomp of Deep Cerulean!"

The sun shone gloriously on the water while the procession moved towards the land. We passed under five hundred arches of ice. They were lit with coloured lights. They were decorated in the most grotesque and fanciful style with sea-weed, elegant festoons, and shells of every kind. Meanwhile a thousand water-spouts danced without stopping in front of us and behind us. They drew the water up from the sea in a kind of cone. Then they suddenly joined together with the most fantastic thunder and lightning.

We landed our whole retinue. Then we at once began to travel towards the heart of Africa. But first we thought it useful to put a number of wheels under the ark, so that it could move more easily. We travelled nearly due north for several days. We met nothing remarkable, except that the savage natives were astonished to see our equipment.

To be fair to the Dutch Government at the Cape, they gave us every possible help for the expedition. I suppose they had received orders about it from their High Mightinesses in Holland. In any case, they gave us samples of some of their most excellent Cape wine. They showed us every politeness they could. As we went on, the land looked fit for every kind of farming in many places, and very fertile. The natives and Hottentots of this part of Africa have often been described by travellers. So it is not necessary to say any more about them. But in the more inner parts of Africa, the looks, manners and character of the people are totally different.

We steered by the compass and the stars. Every day we got huge amounts of game in the woods. At night we camped inside a proper fence, for fear of the wild beasts. On one whole day in particular we heard the horrible roaring of lions on every side, among the hills. It echoed from rock to rock like broken thunder. It seemed as if all these savage animals had met together to attack our party. All that day we went forward with care. Our hunters hardly went further than a pistol shot from the caravan, for fear of being killed. At night we camped as usual and dug a circular trench round our tents.

We had hardly gone to bed when we found ourselves serenaded by at least one thousand lions. They were coming at the same speed from every side, and they were within a hundred paces. Our cattle showed the most horrible signs of fear. They were all trembling, in a cold sweat. I at once ordered the whole company to take up their weapons. I told them not to make any noise by firing until I gave the order. Then I took a large quantity of tar, which I had brought with our caravan for this purpose. I poured it in an unbroken line round the camp. Inside this circle of tar I at once laid another line, or circle, of gunpowder. After I had taken this precaution, I waited anxiously for the lions to come.

These dreadful animals came forward very slowly and carefully. I suppose they knew the strength of our troop. They came on every side of us at the same pace. They growled together so hideously that it was like an earthquake, or some other great shaking of the world. At last they came forward and put all their paws in the tar. Then they put their noses to it and smelled it as if it were blood. They smeared their great bushy hair and whiskers with it as much as their paws.

They were just about to spring on us all together. At that very moment I fired a pistol at the line of gunpowder. It exploded at once on every side. All the lions jumped back in a general uproar and ran away in the greatest hurry. In an instant we could see them scattered through the woods at some distance. They were roaring in agony and moving about like so many Will-o'-the-Wisps. Their paws and faces were all on fire from the tar and the gunpowder.

Then I ordered a general chase. We followed them on every side through the woods, and their own light served as our guide. Before the sun rose, we followed them into their hiding places. There we shot or killed in other ways every one of them. For the whole of our journey after that, we never heard a lion roar. And no wild beast dared to attack our party again. This shows the excellence of immediate presence of mind. It also shows the terror that a proper, well-timed action puts into savage enemies.

At last we arrived at the edge of a desert without measure. It was an immense plain that spread out on every side of us like an ocean. Not a tree, a shrub or a blade of grass could be seen. Everything was extremely fine sand, mixed with gold-dust and little sparkling pearls.

The gold-dust and pearls seemed of little value to us. This was because we could not hope to return to England for a long time. Far away, we saw something like smoke rising just over the edge of the horizon. We looked through our telescopes. We saw that it was a whirlwind. It was tearing up the sand and tossing it about in the sky with frightening force. I at once ordered my company to build a very large mound around us. We did so with astonishing labour and perseverance. Then we covered it with a roof of planks and timber, which we had brought for this purpose.

We had hardly finished our work when the sand came rolling in like the waves of the sea. It was a storm and a river of sand together. It kept moving in the same direction without stopping for three days. It covered the mound we had built completely and buried us all inside. The great heat of the place was unbearable. But we guessed from the end of the noise that the storm had passed. So we began to dig a passage back to the light of day. We did this in a very short time. When we climbed out, we saw that everything had been completely covered with sand. There were no hills any more. There was just one unbroken plain, with ridges on it like the waves of the sea. We soon got our vehicle and retinue out of the burning sands. But it was very dangerous, because the heat was very strong. Then we went on with our journey. Other storms of sand of the same kind attacked us several times. But each time we took the same precautions and saved ourselves from destruction.

We travelled more than nine thousand miles over this hostile plain. The rays of a burning sun came straight down on us. We never found a stream, or a shower from heaven to refresh us. At last we became almost desperate. Then, to our great joy, we saw some mountains far away. As we came nearer, we saw that they were covered with a carpet of green, with groves and woods. Nothing could look more romantic or beautiful than the rocks and cliffs. Flowers and shrubs of every kind were mixed among them. There were palm-trees so huge that they were bigger than anything ever seen in Europe. Fruits of all kinds were growing wild in great abundance. Antelopes, sheep and buffaloes wandered about the groves and valleys in large numbers. The trees were full of the music of birds. Everything showed a general scene of country happiness and joy.

### Glossary

- **amiable vanity**: a pleasant, harmless pride in yourself.
- **Gascons**: people from Gascony in France, known for boasting.
- **capers**: playful jumps and tricks.
- **National Assembly**: the parliament of the French Revolution.
- **Beelzebub**: the devil.
- **tuns**: very large barrels.
- **emetic**: something that makes you vomit.
- **requiescat in pace**: (Latin) "may he rest in peace".
- **tritons**: sea gods, half man and half fish.
- **orrery**: a moving model of the planets and stars.
- **Hottentots**: an old name, now offensive, for the Khoikhoi people of southern Africa.
- **serenaded**: sung to, as a lover sings to a lady at night; here a joke about the lions' roaring.
- **Will-o'-the-Wisps**: strange moving lights that are sometimes seen over marshes at night.

## Chapter XXVI

*A feast on live bulls and kava—The people admire the European adventurers—The Emperor comes to meet the Baron, and pays him great compliments—The people of the centre of Africa are descended from the people of the moon; this is proved by an inscription in Africa, and by the likeness of their language, which is also the same as that of the ancient Scythians—The Baron is declared ruler of the interior of Africa when the Emperor dies—He tries to abolish the custom of eating live bulls, which causes much discontent—The advice of Hilaro Frosticos about it—The Baron makes a speech to an Assembly of the states, which only causes greater complaints—He asks Hilaro Frosticos for advice.*

We crossed the nearest mountains and entered a delightful valley. There we saw a great crowd of people at a feast of living bulls. They cut the flesh off with great knives, and they used the animal's body as a table. The bellowing of the unfortunate animal was the music for their feast. Only one thing was needed to complete the barbarity of this feast, and that was *kava*. It is made as described in Cook's voyages. At the end of the feast we saw them brewing this drink, and they drank it with the greatest eagerness. From that moment I was filled with a feeling of universal kindness. I decided to abolish the custom of eating live flesh and drinking kava. But I knew that such a thing could not be done at once, whatever might be done in the future.

We rested for a few days. Then we decided to set out towards the main city of the empire. Our strange appearance was talked about all over the country as a wonder. The crowds thought that Sphinx, the bulls, the crickets, the balloons and the whole company were something more than earthly. Above all, the thunder of our guns filled the whole nation with horror and amazement.

At last we arrived at the capital. It stood on the banks of a noble river. The emperor came out with all his court in a grand procession to meet us. He was riding on a dromedary, which was royally decorated. All his attendants walked on foot, out of respect for his Majesty. He was rather taller than most people of that country. He was four feet three inches tall. Like all his countrymen, he had a face as white as snow! A band played the most exquisite music in front of him, in the style of the country. His whole retinue stopped about fifty paces from our troop. We returned the salute by firing our muskets, and with a flourish of our trumpets and martial music.

I ordered our caravan to halt. I got down and walked forward with my hat off, with only two attendants, towards his Majesty. The emperor was just as polite. He got down from his dromedary and came forward to meet me.

"I am happy," he said, "to have the honour to receive so illustrious a traveller. I assure you that everything in my empire shall be at your disposal."

I thanked his Majesty for his politeness. I told him how happy I was to meet such a polished and refined people in the centre of Africa. I said that I hoped my company and I could show our thanks for his kindness. We would do this by bringing the arts and sciences of Europe to his people.

I at once saw where this people really came from. They do not seem to be of earthly origin. They are descended from some of the people of the moon. I know this because the main language spoken in the moon and in the centre of Africa is very nearly the same. Their alphabet and their way of writing are much the same too. They show how extremely old this people is, and how high its origin is. Here I give you a sample of their writing \[*Vide Otrckocsus de Orig. Hung.* p. 46\]:—Stregnah, dna skoohtop.

I have shown these letters to a famous antiquarian. In his next volume he will prove to everyone's satisfaction one important thing. There must have been close contact between the people of the moon and the ancient Scythians. These Scythians did not live in a part of Russia at all. They lived in the central part of Africa, as I can fully prove to my very learned and hard-working friend. In our letters, the words above are *Sregnah dna skoohtop*. That means, "The Scythians are of heavenly origin."

The word *Sregnah* means *Scythians*. It is made from *sreg* or *sre*, which gives us our present English word sire, or sir. It also has *nah*, or *gnah*, knowledge. This is because the Scythians joined nobility and learning together. *Dna* means heaven, or belonging to the moon. It comes from *duna*, who was worshipped long ago as the goddess of the moon. And *skooh-top* means the origin or beginning of anything. It comes from *skoo*, the word used in the moon for a point in geometry, and *top* or *htop*, vegetation. These words are carved to this day on a pyramid in the centre of Africa. It stands near the source of the river Niger. If anyone refuses to agree, he may go there and be convinced.

The emperor led me to his court, and his courtiers admired us. He showed us every politeness that African magnificence could offer. He never dared to start any expedition without asking our advice. He looked on us as a kind of superior beings and paid the greatest respect to our opinions. He often asked me about the states of Europe and the kingdom of Great Britain. He seemed lost in admiration at my account of our ships and of the hugeness of the ocean. We taught him to arrange his government nearly on the same plan as the British constitution. We also taught him to set up a parliament and ranks of nobility.

His Majesty was the last of his royal line. When he died, he made me heir to the whole empire, with the full agreement of all the people. The nobles and chiefs of the country came to me at once with petitions. They begged me to accept the government. I discussed it with my noble friends, Gog and Magog, etc. After much discussion we agreed that I should accept the government. But I would not rule as a real and independent king of the place. I would rule as viceroy to his Majesty of England.

Now I thought it was high time to end the custom of eating live flesh and drinking kava. For this purpose I used every kind of persuasion to turn most of the people away from it. To my astonishment, the nation did not take this well. They looked with jealousy at those strangers who wanted to change their customs.

Still, I was very sad to think that my fellow-creatures could be so barbarous. I did everything that a heart full of universal kindness and good will to all mankind could wish. First I tried every kind of persuasion and encouragement. I did not speak harshly to them. But I often invited whole thousands of them to dine on roasted meat, in the European fashion. Alas, it was all in vain! My goodness nearly caused a rebellion. They complained among themselves. They spoke of my intentions and my wild and ambitious plans. It was as if I, O heaven, could have any selfish reason for my actions! I only wanted to make them live like men, rather than like crocodiles and tigers.

In the end I saw that gentleness could do no good. I knew well that with some minds politeness achieves nothing, but force brings respect and honour. So I made a law with the severest punishments. Nobody could drink kava or eat live flesh for the space of nine days, in the districts of Angalinar and Paphagalna.

But this made everyone hate my government deeply. My ministers, and even I myself, were pasquinadoed everywhere. Lampoons, satires, mockery and insults were showered on the name of Munchausen wherever it was spoken. In short, there was never a government so much hated, or with such little reason.

In this difficult situation I turned to my noble friend Hilaro Frosticos for advice. I now hoped that his good sense would find some way out. The rest of the council had advised me to use the former methods. They had shown very little ability and judgement, or I would have succeeded better. In short, he spoke to me and to the council as follows:—

"It is useless, most noble Munchausen, for your Excellency to try to force these people. They have never been used to this kind of life. It is useless to tell them that apple-pies, pudding, roast beef, minced pies or tarts are delicious. It is useless to tell them that sugar is sweet, or that wine is exquisite. Alas! They cannot and they will not understand what deliciousness is, or sweetness, or the flavour of the grape. And even if they believed that your way of life was better, they would never, never be persuaded. That would be so, even if there were no other reason, because you use force or persuasion to make them do it. Give up that idea for now, and let us try another method. So my opinion is this. We should at once stop all our efforts to force or persuade them. But let us get a quantity of *fudge* from England, if possible. And let us scatter it carelessly over the whole country. Let us arrange things in this way. Then I believe—no, I am morally certain—that we shall bring this people back from horror and barbarity."

At any other time the council would have opposed this violently. But now every other attempt had failed, and there seemed no other way out. So most of them willingly agreed to they knew not what. They had absolutely no idea how it would work, whether it could succeed, or how they could make it happen. However, it was a plan, and as a plan they accepted it. For my part, I listened with delight to the words of Hilaro Frosticos. I knew that he had a most unusual knowledge of human nature. He could humour people and lead them on to their own happiness and the general good. So, on Hilaro's advice, I sent off a balloon with four men over the desert to the Cape of Good Hope. It carried letters to be sent on to England. They asked for a few cargoes of fudge without delay.

All this time the people remained in a general state of unrest and complaint. They used everything that spite, low wit and terrible ignorance could invent to attack my government. The most worthy and even the kindest actions, everything that was good, were twisted into reasons for opposition.

The heart of Munchausen was not made of stuff so hard that it could not feel the hatred of even the most worthless wretch in the whole kingdom. Once, at a general assembly of the states, my mind was full of the thought of such constant ingratitude. So I spoke as movingly as possible, to make them feel for me. I did not think this was beneath my dignity. I said that the general good and happiness of the people were all I wished or wanted. I said that perhaps my actions had been misunderstood, or people had formed wrong suspicions. But still I had no wish and no desire except the public welfare, etc., etc., etc.

All this time Hilaro Frosticos was very disturbed. He looked sternly at me—he frowned. But I was carried away by the warmth of my heart and my intentions. So I did not understand him. In a minute I could see nothing except as if through a cloud (such is the force of a tender heart). The lords, ladies, chiefs—the whole assembly seemed to swim before my eyes. I thought more and more about my good intentions. I thought about the lampoons which so much hurt my delicacy, good nature, tenderness. I forgot myself—I spoke rapid, violent—beneficence—fire—tenderness—alas! I melted into tears!

"Pish! pish!" said Hilaro Frosticos.

Now my government was truly lampooned, satirised, carribonadoed, bepickled, and bedevilled. One day my arms were full of lampoons. Hilaro came into the room, and I jumped up with tears in my eyes.

"Look, look here, Hilaro!—how can I bear all this? It is impossible to please them. I will leave the government—I cannot bear it! See what pitiful stories—what suspicions! I will make my people feel for me—I will leave the government!"

"Pshaw!" says Hilaro.

At that one little word I found myself changed, as if by magic! For I always looked on Hilaro as a person of such experience—such strength, such good sense.

"Three ships have just arrived at the Cape, with a frigate to protect them," added Hilaro. "They had a lucky voyage. They are loaded with the fudge that we asked for. There is no time to lose. Let it be brought here at once, and shared out through the main granaries of the empire."

### Glossary

- **kava**: a strong drink made from a plant root, described in Captain Cook's voyages in the Pacific.
- **bellowing**: the deep, loud cry of a bull.
- **dromedary**: a camel with one hump.
- **illustrious**: famous and greatly respected.
- **Vide Otrckocsus de Orig. Hung.**: (Latin) "See Otrokocsi, On the Origin of the Hungarians", an old book with strange ideas about languages.
- **antiquarian**: a person who studies very old things.
- **viceroy**: a man who rules a country for a king.
- **pasquinadoed**: mocked in public writings.
- **lampoons**: pieces of writing that make fun of someone.
- **carribonadoed, bepickled, and bedevilled**: joke words: cut up, pickled and cursed, that is, attacked and mocked in every way.
- **minced pies**: small sweet pies filled with chopped dried fruit.
- **fudge**: here, a mysterious thing sent from England; in the Baron's time the word also meant "nonsense".
- **Pish! Pshaw!**: old sounds of impatience, like "Nonsense!"
- **frigate**: a fast warship.
- **granaries**: buildings for storing grain.

## Chapter XXVII

*A proclamation by the Baron—The people's great curiosity to know what fudge was—The people are in a general excitement about it—They break open all the granaries in the empire—The people's affection is won back—An ode is performed in honour of the Baron—His talk with Fragrantia about the excellence of the music.*

Some time later I ordered the following proclamation to be published in the Court Gazette, and in all the other papers of the empire:—

BY THE MOST MIGHTY AND PUISSANT LORD, HIS EXCELLENCY THE LORD BARON MUNCHAUSEN.

Whereas a quantity of fudge has been distributed through all the granaries of the empire for particular uses. And whereas the natives have always shown their dislike of all kinds of European food. Therefore, under the severest penalties, the officers who guard the said fudge are hereby strictly forbidden to give it away. They may not sell it, or allow it to be sold. This applies to any part or quantity whatever of the said material, until it pleases our good will and pleasure.

Dated in our Castle of Gristariska

this Triskill of the month of

Griskish, in the year Moulikasra-

navas-kashna-vildash.

This proclamation caused the most burning curiosity all over the empire.

"Do you know what this fudge is?" said Lady Mooshilgarousti to Lord Darnarlaganl.

"Fudge!" said he. "Fudge! No: what fudge?"

"I mean," replied her Ladyship, "the enormous quantity of fudge in all the strong places in the empire. It has been shared out there under guard. It is strictly forbidden to sell it or give it to any of the natives, under the severest penalties."

"Lord!" he replied. "What in the name of wonder can it be? Forbidden! Why, it must—but tell me, do you, Lady Fashashash, do you know what this fudge is? Do you, Lord Trastillauex? Or you, Miss Gristilarkask? What! Nobody knows what this fudge can be?"

For several days it filled all the chit-chat of the whole empire. "Fudge, fudge, fudge" was heard in all companies and in all places, from sunrise until sunset. And even at night gentle sleep refreshed the rest of mortals. But the ladies of all that country were dreaming of fudge!

Kitty was arranging her modesty piece in front of the mirror, just after getting out of bed.

"Upon my honour," she said, "there is hardly anything I would not give to know what this fudge can be."

"La! my dear," replied Miss Killnariska, "I have been dreaming the whole night of nothing but fudge. I thought my lover kissed my hand and pressed it to his heart. Frowning, I tried to pull it away from him. Then he knelt at my feet. 'No, never, never will I look at you,' I cried, 'till you tell me what this fudge can be! Or else get me some of it.' 'Go away!' I cried, with all the dignity of offended beauty, of majesty, and of a tragic queen. 'Go away! Never see me again, or bring me this delicious fudge.' He swore on the honour of a knight that he would wander over the world. He would face every danger and die in the attempt, or satisfy the angel of his soul."

The chiefs and nobles of the nation met together to drink their kava. Then they spoke of nothing but fudge. Men, women and children, all of them, talked of nothing but fudge. It was a fury of curiosity, one general excitement and universal fever. Nothing but fudge could calm it.

But on one point they all agreed. The government must have had some selfish reason for its firm orders. It had ordered the fudge to be guarded and kept from the natives of the country. Petitions came to me from all sides, from every corporation and group of men in the whole empire. Most of the people gave instructions to their constituents. Then the parliament presented a petition. It begged me to consider the state of the nation and to give orders to satisfy the people. Otherwise, it said, the most dreadful consequences were to be feared.

My council begged me to stay silent. So I gave no reply to these requests, or at best only unsatisfying answers. The people's curiosity was on the rack. They forgot to lampoon the government, because they were so busy with the fudge. The great assembly of the states could think of nothing else. They did not make laws to govern the people. They did not discuss what would seem most wise and most excellent. Instead they could think, talk and make speeches about nothing but fudge. The Speaker called for order in vain. The more they were stopped, the wilder and more curious they became.

In short, the common people in many places rose up in the most violent and riotous way. In one day they forced open the granaries everywhere. Then they triumphantly shared out the fudge through the whole empire.

Perhaps it was because of their longing, their great curiosity, their imagination, or the nature of the people. I cannot say. But they found it greatly to their taste. It was an intoxication of joy, satisfaction and applause.

I saw how much they liked this fudge. So I got another quantity from England, much greater than the first. I carefully spread it over the whole kingdom. In this way the affection of the people was won back. From then on they began to honour, applaud and admire my government more than ever. The following ode was performed at the castle in the most superb style, and everyone admired it:—

ODE.

Ye bulls and crickets, and Gog, Magog,

And trump'ts high chiming anthrophog,

Come sing blithe choral all in *og*,

Caralog, basilog, fog, and bog!

Great and superb appears thy cap sublime,

Admired and worshipp'd as the rising sun;

Solemn, majestic, wise, like hoary Time,

And fam'd alike for virtue, sense, and fun.

Then swell the noble strain with song,

And elegance divine,

While goddesses around shall throng,

And all the muses nine.

And bulls, and crickets, and Gog, Magog,

And trumpets chiming anthrophog,

Shall sing blithe choral all in *og*,

Caralog, basilog, fog, and bog!

This piece of poetry was much applauded and admired, and it was *encored* in every public assembly. It was celebrated as an astonishing work of genius. The music was composed by Minheer Gastrashbark Gkrghhbarwskhk. People thought it was equal to the sense!—Never was anything so universally admired. It was the summit of the most exquisite wit, the keenest praise and the most excellent music.

"Upon my honour, and the faith I owe my love," I said, "music may be talked of in England. But to have the very soul of harmony, the world should come to the performance of this ode."

At that moment Lady Fragrantia was drumming with her fingers on the edge of her fan. She was lost in a daydream, thinking she was playing upon——Was it a forte piano?

"No, my dear Fragrantia," I said. I took her tenderly in my arms while she melted into tears. "Never, never will I play upon any other——!"

Oh! It was divine to see her like a summer's morning, all blushing and full of dew!

### Glossary

- **proclamation**: an official public announcement.
- **puissant**: (old word) powerful.
- **Whereas**: an official word at the start of a law: "because" or "since".
- **Court Gazette**: the official newspaper of the court.
- **constituents**: the people who choose a member of parliament to speak for them.
- **modesty piece**: a piece of lace that covered the top of a woman's dress.
- **La!**: an old cry of surprise, like "Oh!"
- **on the rack**: suffering terribly; the rack was an old machine for torturing people.
- **anthrophog**: a made-up word from Greek, meaning "man-eater".
- **blithe choral**: a happy song sung together.
- **hoary Time**: Time pictured as a very old man with white hair.
- **the muses nine**: the nine goddesses of poetry, music and the arts.
- **encored**: asked to be performed again.
- **Minheer**: Dutch for "Mr."
- **forte piano**: an early kind of piano.

## Chapter XXVIII

*The Baron sets all the people of the empire to work to build a bridge from their country to Great Britain—His clever trick to make the arch safe—He orders words to be carved on the bridge—He returns to England with all his company, his chariot, etc.—From the middle of the bridge he looks down on the kingdoms and nations below him.*

"And now, most noble Baron," said the illustrious Hilaro Frosticos, "now is the time to make this people do any work that suits us. Take them now, while their minds are still excited. Do not let them think, but set them to work at once."

In short, the whole nation went eagerly to work. They began a building such as no other country had ever seen. I took care to supply them with their favourite kava and fudge, and they worked like horses. Think of the tower of Babylon, which was seven miles high, according to Hermogastricus. Or think of the Chinese wall. Both were mere trifles next to this enormous building. And it was finished in a very short time.

It was immensely high, far higher than anything ever built before. Yet it rose so gently that a regiment of cavalry with a train of cannon could go up it with perfect ease. It looked like a rainbow in the sky. One end seemed to rise in the centre of Africa. The other end seemed to bend down into Great Britain. It was a most noble bridge indeed, a piece of masonry that has beaten Sir Christopher Wren.

It must have been a wonderful thing to build so tremendous an arch. The builders had special difficulties. They could not meet them with any other arch in the world. I mean the pull of the moon and the planets. The arch was very high, and in some parts very far from the earth. So its pull toward the centre of our globe was much weaker. Or rather, the pull of the planets seemed to work on it more easily. So at certain times, you would think, the stones of the arch were ready to fall *up* to the moon. At other times they seemed ready to fall down to the earth. The first danger was the worse one. So I made the building stable by a very clever trick. I ordered the architects to get the heads of some hundred numbskulls and blockheads. They fixed them to the inside of the arch at regular distances, along its whole length. In this way the arch was held firmly together. Its leaning toward the earth was fixed for ever. For of all the things in the world, the skulls of this kind of animal have a strange habit. They always tend toward the centre of the earth.

When the building was finished, I had words carved on the top of the arch in the grandest style. The letters were huge and shining. Ships sailing to the East or West Indies could read them clearly in the sky. It was like the motto of Constantine.

KARDOL BAGARLAN KAI TON FARINGO SARGAI RA MO PASHROL VATINEAC CAL COLNITOS RO NA FILNAT AGASTRA SA DINGANNAL FANO.

That means: "As long as this arch and bond of union lasts, the people shall be happy. No power in the world can harm them, unless the moon leaves her usual place. She might pull the skulls so strongly that they suddenly rise up. Then the whole thing will fall into the most horrible confusion."

In this way, travel between Great Britain and the centre of Africa became easy. Great numbers of people travelled all the time between the two countries. At my request, mail coaches were ordered to run on the bridge between the two empires. After some time I had arranged the government as I wished. Then I asked permission to resign, because a great cabal had been stirred up against me in England. So I received my letters of recall, and I got ready to return to Old England.

At last I set out on my journey, covered with applause and admiration from everyone. I travelled with the same retinue as before: Sphinx, Gog and Magog, etc. We went along the bridge. On each side it was lined with rows of trees. It was decorated with garlands of all kinds of flowers and lit with coloured lights. We moved along the bridge at great speed. It was so very long that we hardly noticed the climb. We went up without feeling it, until we reached the centre of the arch. The view from there was glorious beyond imagination. It was divine to look down on the kingdoms, seas and islands below us. Africa looked mostly a tawny brown colour, burned by the sun. Spain looked more yellow, because of some cornfields scattered over the kingdom. France looked more of a bright straw colour, mixed with green. And England seemed covered with the most beautiful green.

I admired the look of the Baltic Sea. It clearly seemed to have come between those countries when the land suddenly split. I thought that Sweden was once joined to the western coast of Denmark. In short, the whole gap of the Gulf of Finland did not exist at first. It only appeared when these countries separated from one another by mutual consent.

Such were my philosophical thoughts as I went along. Then I saw a man in armour on a horse, coming against me. He carried a tremendous spear, or lance. With my telescope I soon found out that it could be no other than Don Quixote. I looked forward to a lot of fun at this meeting.

### Glossary

- **kava**: a strong drink made from a plant root.
- **fudge**: in the Baron's time this word meant "nonsense". In the story it is sent from England, and the people eat it and love it; the joke is that the rulers keep the people happy by giving them nonsense.
- **Hermogastricus**: an invented expert; the name is a joke about the stomach.
- **regiment of cavalry**: a large group of soldiers on horses.
- **masonry**: building work done with stone.
- **Sir Christopher Wren**: the famous architect who built St. Paul's Cathedral in London.
- **numbskulls and blockheads**: very stupid people; the joke is that their heads are heavy.
- **the motto of Constantine**: the cross and the words the Roman emperor Constantine saw in the sky.
- **bond of union**: something that joins people together.
- **cabal**: a secret political group.
- **letters of recall**: an official order to come home from a post abroad.
- **retinue**: the group of people travelling with an important person.
- **tawny**: orange-brown.
- **by mutual consent**: because both sides agreed.

## Chapter XXIX

*Don Quixote stands against the Baron's retinue in a heroic style, and in his turn Gog and Magog attack him—Lord Whittington comes with the Lord Mayor's show to help Don Quixote—Gog and Magog attack his Lordship—Lord Whittington makes a speech and tricks Gog and Magog into joining his side—A general scene of uproar and battle among the company, until the Baron, with great presence of mind, calms the tumult.*

"What art thou?" cried Don Quixote on his powerful horse. "Who art thou? Speak! Or, by the eternal vengeance of my arm, thy whole machinery shall die at the sound of this my trumpet!"

The great Sphinx was very surprised at such a rude greeting. She stopped short and pulled herself up. She drew in her head, like a snail when it touches something it does not like. The bulls began a horrible roaring, the crickets sounded an alarm, and Gog and Magog stepped out in front of the rest. One of these powerful brothers held a great pole in his hand. At the end of it was a cord about two feet long. At the end of the cord was an iron ball, with spikes sticking out of it like the rays of a star. With this weapon he got ready to fight. He stepped forward and spoke:—

"Bold wight! Thou art dressed from head to foot in steel. And thou darest to cross my way, to stop the great Munchausen! Know then, proud knight, that thou shalt die at once beneath my mighty arm."

Then Quixote, the knight of Mancha, answered firmly:—

"Giant monster! Leader of witches, crickets and chimeras dire! Know thou this! Here, beneath that blue heaven, truth, courage and pure faith shall be tried in combat!"

So he spoke, and he waved his mighty spear. He would have done great and wonderful deeds at once. But some wight had put thorny furze beneath the tail of dark Rosinante. At this the horse, quadrupedanting, plunged. In an instant the knight was on the ground, roaring his *credo* for his life.

At that same moment ten thousand frogs jumped out of the morions of Gog and Magog. They attacked the knight furiously on every side. He roared in vain and called on fair Dulcinea del Toboso. The frogs' wild croaking was louder and stronger than all his prayers. And so, in this vile battle, the knight was beaten. Frog-spawn swarmed all over his shining helmet.

"Hateful villains!" roared the knight. "Avaunt! Only dreadful enchanters and goblins could do such a hard deed. Only they could beat the knight of Mancha in a foul defeat, in a war never known before. Then hear, O del Toboso! Hear the vows I make in the anguish of my soul. I make them among frogs, Gridalbin, Hecaton, Kai, Talon, and the Rove! \[for these are their names, and they describe their qualities and their separate powers.\] For Merlin gave feathers to their airy flight. Then he dipped his strange wand in watery moonbeam. At its touch ten thousand frogs, strangely changed, croaked just like this. And here they come, at a high command, to insult the knight who once defended famous virginity! That knight defended wronged matrons, grey old pilgrims and all courteous ways! But the age of chivalry is gone, and the glory of Europe is extinguished for ever?"

He spoke, and suddenly good Lord Whittington came forth at the head of all his raree-show. There was old armour of chivalry, and old helmets, and troops. All of them had streamers, flags and banners, shining red, gold and purple. In every hand was a square of nicely gilded gingerbread, waved in a fearful way. At one word, ten thousand thousand Naples biscuits, crackers, buns, flannel-cakes and hats of gingerbread clashed gloriously in mid-air. It was like some huge storm of mill-stones. Or it was like a day when it rains whole clouds of dogs and cats.

The frogs were very surprised and shocked. They forgot their notes and their music. Before, those sounds had seemed so terrible, and they had drowned the cries of the famous knight. Now the frogs were silent with wonder. They heard the words of Whittington, who spoke solemnly:—"Goblins, chimeras dire, or frogs, or whatever magic appears here in this ancient shape: listen! Hear the words of peace! And thou, good herald, read aloud the Riot Act!"

He stopped. A sad sound breathed softly from all the frogs together. They would quickly have turned to stone with fear. But then the feared Gog and Magog attacked his lordship. Both had poles, and from the top of each pole hung bladders full of air on a string. Again and again the bladders banged loudly on his cheeks. They showed the brothers' fury against all powerful law and the forceful rule of the Lord Mayor. Then Whittington gave way. Full of cunning tricks, he spoke to the attacking knights:—

"Gog, Magog, famous and renowned! What, my sons? Will you attack your father, your friend and your chief? Will you attack my title, my high rank and my glorious pomp, armed with these vile bladders? Calm down, vile discord! Return again to your true loyalty. Think, my friends, how often I have stuffed your splendid bellies with calapash, green fat, and calapee. Remember how you have feasted and stood still for ages, until you grew to your huge size. And think how different the service of Munchausen is! With him you float along the tide over cold, salty seas. You work hard for ever, like slaves of Algiers and Tripoli. And lately you have even travelled high through the heavens, like balloons. You went upon a rainbow, or some awful bridge stretched high above. It is as if he had not enough work on earth to wear out your mighty strength! He must also look for hard labour in heaven! Remember, my friends: why, oh why, should you attack your lawful magistrate? Why leave his livery? Why serve this German Lord Munchausen? For all your labour he will give you nothing but some fudge and heroic blows in war. So stop, and come back in peace to friendship aldermanic, bungy, brown, and sober."

He stopped then, right worshipful. At once both fighting champions ended their battle. As a sign that peace and unity had returned, they laid their weapons beneath their feet. Suddenly, at a signal, each stamped his left foot. The bladders burst with a loud bang that stunned every ear around. It was like the roar of thunder from on high, shaking heaven and earth.

Now the knight of Mancha rose into the saddle once again. He held his lance far out and balanced it in his hand. Then he charged full tilt against the troop of bulls in front of him. And thou, shrill Crillitrilkril! No cricket ever sang its merry song more gladly on the hob of a country cottage or in a black chimney. Even thou didst die! Shrieking, thou gavest up the ghost in empty air, the toy of every wind. For even that heart, so cheerful and so gay, was pierced. The lance of Mancha spitted it cruelly, while thou didst sit bravely between the horns that crowned Mowmowsky.

Then Whittington came forward among the old armour and the powers Magog and Gog. With his magic rod he touched the head of every frog. They had been silent and shocked for a long time. At his touch they all sang a cheerful chorus together and saluted. Then they rushed forward in rebellion against my troop.

But Sphinx, though great and gigantic, seemed by instinct low and cowardly. She saw the storming gingerbread, the powers Magog and Gog, and Quixote, all against her. At this she started wildly, and she overturned boat, balloons and everything. The bulls roared horribly. The crash of wheels and the dreary chaos of confusion echoed far from earth to heaven. And the great Lord Whittington attacked even more fiercely. From his ermine pocket he took his famous Grimalkin. She screamed and attacked my confused bulls cruelly. She darted like lightning and tore out the eyes of half the troop. Even the riders, the crickets on their high thrones, could not escape her rage. Her fury was no gentler than cannons that murder over the stormy sea. The great Mowmowsky roared loudly and plunged in agony. He tried to avoid every dart of fire-eyed, fierce Grimalkin. Dreadful was the rage of the war, and of the fighting crickets, Quixote and great Magog. Then Whittington came forward:—"Good, my friends and warriors, bear down headlong and fiercely on the foe!" So he spoke. He waved his mighty rod high and touched each bull in a wonderful way. At this the creatures bellowed more fiercely, while dreadful enchantment ate at their insides.

All would have gone to ruin in a battle fiercer than any mortal fight. But I rose, like Neptune rising from the stormy deep. I towered over the ruins of my fighting troops. I stood calm and peaceful, and I looked around without fear. I did not fight back against my fierce enemies. But then, suddenly, I poured out purses full of fudge from the chariot. I scattered it with all my strength over the whole fighting crowd. Old Catherine or careful Joan does just the same when she scatters bits of bread and crumbs to the chickens. They gobble up the scraps she offers, happy, in general plenty and brotherly peace. And "hush," she cries, "hush! hush!"

### Glossary

- **wight**: (old word) a person or fellow.
- **chimeras dire**: terrible monsters.
- **furze**: a wild bush with sharp thorns.
- **quadrupedanting**: a made-up joke word: jumping about on four legs.
- **credo**: (Latin) "I believe", the first word of a Christian prayer.
- **morions**: old metal helmets.
- **Avaunt!**: (old word) "Go away!"
- **chivalry**: the code of honour of knights.
- **goblins**: small, ugly, evil creatures in old stories.
- **raree-show**: a street show.
- **gingerbread**: a sweet, brown cake or biscuit made with ginger.
- **Riot Act**: an English law read aloud to order a crowd to go home.
- **calapash, green fat, and calapee**: parts of a turtle; turtle soup was eaten at the feasts of the City of London.
- **livery**: the uniform of a servant or of a city company.
- **aldermanic, bungy**: like a fat city official (alderman); swollen like a barrel.
- **ermine**: white fur worn by important officials.
- **Grimalkin**: an old name for a cat; here Lord Whittington's famous cat.
- **hob**: a shelf next to a fireplace.

## Chapter XXX

*The Baron arrives in England—The Colossus of Rhodes comes to congratulate him—Great celebrations for the Baron's return, and a tremendous concert—The Baron's talk with Fragrantia, and her opinion of the Tour to the Hebrides.*

I arrived in England once more, and the greatest celebrations were held for my return. The whole city seemed to blaze with lights. The Colossus of Rhodes heard of my astonishing deeds. He came to England on purpose to congratulate me on such matchless achievements. But above all the other celebrations, the musical oratorio and song of triumph were magnificent in the extreme. Gog and Magog were ordered to take the maiden tower of Windsor and make a tambourine or great drum of it. For this they stretched an elephant's hide across the top of the tower, from parapet to parapet. The hide had been made into leather and prepared for this purpose. So the stretched hide was to the whole castle what the parchment is to a drum. In this way the whole thing became one great instrument of war.

To match this, Colossus took Guildhall and Westminster Abbey. He turned them upside down, with their foundations toward the sky and their roofs on the ground. Then he stretched brass and steel wire across them from side to side. With the wires on them, they looked like most noble dulcimers. Next he took the great dome of St. Paul's. He lifted it off the earth as easily as you would lift a decanter of claret. And once it was lifted up, it looked like a quart bottle. At once Colossus cracked off the top of the cupola with his teeth. Then he put his lips to the instrument and began to sound it like a trumpet. It was more warlike than words can describe—*tantara!*—*tara!*—*ta!*

During the concert I walked in the park with Lady Fragrantia. That morning she was dressed in a *chemise à la reine*.

"I like the morning dew," she said. "It is delicate and airy. It covers me with shining drops like this. I think it will make me more like the rose \[for her looks were like Aurora\]. And to keep my rosy colour, I shall go to Spa."

"And drink the Podhon spring?" I added, looking at her from head to toe.

"Yes," replied the lovely Fragrantia, "with all my heart. It is the drink of sweetness and delicacy. There were never any creatures like the water-drinkers at Spa. They are like so many thirsty blossoms on a peach-tree, which suck up the shower in the burning heat. There is a certain something in the waters. It gives strength to the whole body, and it fills every heart with joy and kindness. They drink! Good gods! How they do drink! And then, how they sleep! Tell me, my dear Baron, were you ever at the falls of Niagara?"

"Yes, my lady," I replied. I was surprised at such a strange jump from one idea to another. "I was at the Falls of Niagara many years ago. I found it no harder to swim up and down the waterfalls than to dance a minuet."

At that moment she dropped her nosegay. I handed it back to her.

"Ah," she said, "there is not much variety in these polyanthuses. I do assure you, my dear Baron, there is taste in choosing flowers, as in everything else. If I were a girl of sixteen, I would wear some rosebuds on my bosom. But at five-and-twenty I think it would be more *apropos* to wear a full-blown rose. It should be quite ripe, and ready to drop off the stalk because nobody has picked it—heigh-ho!"

"But tell me, my lady," I said, "how do you like the concert?"

"Alas!" she said in a languishing voice, and she laid her hand on my shoulder. "What are these bodiless sounds and vibrations to me? And yet what exquisite sweetness there is in the songs of the northern part of our island:—'*Thou art gone awa' from me, Mary!*' How moving and divine the little tunes of Scotland and the Hebrides are! But that same Doctor Johnson—that CONSTABLE, as Fergus MacLeod calls him! I can never, never think of him without imagining a great brown full-bottomed wig and a hogshead of porter! Oh, it was mean! Everywhere he was treated with politeness and hospitality. And in return he meanly smellfungused them all over! To go to the country of Kate of Aberdeen, of Auld Robin Gray! To be among country innocence and sweetness, take up their plaids, and dance! Oh! Doctor, Doctor!"

"And what would you say, Fragrantia," I asked, "if you were to write a tour to the Hebrides?"

"Peace to the heroes," she replied, in a delicate and theatrical voice. "Peace to the heroes who sleep in the isle of Iona; the sons of the wave, and the chiefs of the dark-brown shield! The tear of the sympathising stranger is scattered by the wind over the grey old stones. She thinks sadly of the times of old! That is what I could say, sitting on some druid's heap of stones or burial mound. The fact is this: there is a right and a wrong handle to everything. There is more pleasure in thinking with pure nobility of heart. It is better than the mean hatreds and sarcasm of a blackguard."

### Glossary

- **Colossus of Rhodes**: a giant bronze statue of the ancient world.
- **oratorio**: a large musical work for singers and orchestra.
- **tambourine**: a small drum that you hold in your hand.
- **parapet**: a low wall along the top edge of a tower or roof.
- **parchment**: here, the thin skin stretched over a drum.
- **dulcimers**: stringed instruments played with small hammers.
- **quart**: an old measure of liquid (about one litre).
- **cupola**: a small dome on top of a roof.
- **tantara**: the sound of a trumpet.
- **chemise à la reine**: (French) a light white dress made fashionable by Queen Marie Antoinette.
- **Aurora**: the goddess of the dawn.
- **Spa, the Podhon spring**: a town in Belgium famous for its healing water, and one of its springs.
- **nosegay**: a small bunch of flowers.
- **polyanthuses**: a kind of garden flower.
- **apropos**: (French) suitable.
- **heigh-ho**: a sound you make when you sigh.
- **CONSTABLE**: here an insult: a heavy, clumsy official.
- **smellfungused**: criticised everyone in a sour way (from "Smellfungus", a nickname for a traveller who complains about everything).
- **plaids**: long Scottish woollen cloths worn over the shoulder.
- **druid**: a priest of the ancient Celtic peoples of Britain.
- **blackguard**: a rude, dishonest person.

## Chapter XXXI

*A lawsuit between Don Quixote, Gog, Magog, etc.—A grand court meets to judge it—The appearance of the company—The matrons, judges, etc.—The way of writing, and the use of the fashionable toy, quizzes—Wauwau arrives from the country of Prester John, and leads the whole Assembly on a wild-goose chase to the top of Plinlimmon, and from there to Virginia—The Baron meets a floating island on his voyage to America—He chases Wauwau with his whole company through the deserts of North America—His clever plan to catch Wauwau in a morass.*

The quarrel between Gog and Magog, and Sphinx, Hilaro Frosticos, Lord Whittington, etc., led to endless lawsuits. All the lawyers in the kingdom were hired. Their job was to make the affair as complicated and gloriously uncertain as possible. In the end the whole nation became interested, and people took sides on both sides of the question. Colossus took the side of Sphinx. At last the matter was given to a grand council to decide. It met in a great hall, with seats on every side like an amphitheatre. The assembly looked the most magnificent and splendid in the world.

A court, or jury, of one hundred matrons sat in the main and most honourable part of the amphitheatre. They wore flowing robes of sky-blue velvet, decorated with garlands of brilliants and diamond stars. They were grave and calm-looking matrons, all in uniform, with spectacles on their noses. Opposite them sat one hundred judges. Their curly white wigs flowed down on each side of them to their very feet. Even Solomon in all his glory did not look so wise. The whole empire begged me eagerly, so I kindly agreed to be the president of the court. I was dressed for the part, and I took my seat under a canopy in the centre.

In front of every judge was a square inkstand that held a gallon of ink. There were pens of a matching size too. Right in front of him there was also a huge folio book. It was so large that it served as a table and a book at the same time. But they did not make much use of their pens and ink, except to blot and smear the paper. To make them fairer, I had ordered that only blind men could have the honour of this job. So whenever they tried to write anything, they always dipped their pens into the sand-box. Then they scrawled over a page, as they thought. When they wanted to dry it with sand, they spilled half a gallon of ink on the paper. In this way they smeared their fingers. Then they moved the ink to their faces. This happened whenever they leaned their cheek on their hand to look more serious.

As for the matrons, they would chatter for ever, and this would drown all sense. To stop it, I found it absolutely necessary to sew up their mouths. Now there were blind judges and dumb matrons. So I thought the trial might end sooner than it would otherwise. Instead of tongues, the matrons had other tools to show their ideas. Each of them had three quizzes. One quiz hung from the thread that sewed up her mouth, and she held another quiz in each hand. When she wanted to say no, she shot out the quizzes in her right and left hands. Then she let them spring back. When she wanted to say yes, she nodded. This made the quiz hanging from her mouth run down and spring back up again.

The trial went on like this for a long time, to the admiration of the whole empire. At last I decided to send a message to my old friend and ally, Prester John. I begged him to send me one of the wild and curious birds found in his kingdom, called a Wauwau. This creature was brought in a balloon from the interior of Africa. It came over the great bridge I told you about. The balloon sat on the bridge and stretched out over the parapets on each side. It had great wings or oars to help its speed. Under the balloon hung a kind of boat. In it were the people who steered the machine and protected Wauwau.

This oracular bird arrived in England. At once she darted through one of the windows of the great hall. She perched on the canopy in the centre. Everyone present admired her. Her cackling seemed quite prophetic and oracular. The matrons and judges all agreed on the first question to ask her. Was the moon made of green cheese or not? They thought the answer was absolutely necessary before they could go on with the trial.

In shape, Wauwau was not very different from a swan, except that her neck was not nearly so long. And she stood in a wonderful way, like Vestris. She began cackling very loudly. The whole assembly agreed that it was absolutely necessary to catch her. Once they had her in their hands, nothing more would be needed to end this lawsuit. So the whole house rose up to catch her, and they came at her in uproar. The judges waved their pens and shook their big wigs. The matrons quizzed as much as possible in every direction. This greatly startled Wauwau. She clapped her wings and at once flew out of the hall.

The assembly began to follow her in order of rank. With them came my whole train of Gog and Magog, Sphinx, Hilaro Frosticos, Queen Mab's chariot, the bulls and crickets, and all the rest. Bands of music went in front. Meanwhile Wauwau came down to the earth and ran ahead of the troop like an ostrich, cackling all the way. Now and then the judges and matrons suddenly went faster, hoping to catch this fierce animal. But the creature would outrun them just as quickly. Or sometimes she flew away for many miles together. Then she landed to get her breath until we came within sight of her again. Our train travelled over a huge stretch of country in a straight line, over hills and valleys. We went all the way to the top of Plinlimmon. There we thought we would catch Wauwau. But she flew off at once. She did not stop until she reached the mouth of the Potomac river in Virginia.

At once our company set sail in the machines I described before. We had used them to travel into Africa. After a few days' sailing we arrived in North America. We met nothing curious on our voyage, except a floating island. It had some very delightful villages, where a few whites and negroes lived. The sugar cane did not grow well there. I was told this was because the climate changed so much. The island was sometimes driven as far as the north pole, and at other times carried down to the equator. Out of pity for the poor islanders, I got a huge iron stake. I drove it through the centre of the island. Then I fixed it to the rocks and mud at the bottom of the sea. Since then the island has stayed in one place. Today it is well known by the name of St. Christopher's, and there is no island in the world more secure.

When we arrived in North America, the President of the United States received us with every honour and politeness. He kindly gave us all possible information about the woods and huge regions of America. He also ordered troops of the different tribes of the Esquimaux to guide us. They led us through the forests in our chase of Wauwau. At last we found that she had taken refuge in the middle of a morass. The people of the country loved hunting. They were delighted to watch the way we tried to catch Wauwau, for the chase was noble and unusual. I decided to surround the animal on every side. So I ordered the judges and matrons to put nets round the morass, a mile high. The company spread themselves out on various parts of the nets. They floated in the air like so many spiders on their cobwebs.

At my command, Magog put on a kind of armour that he had brought with him for this purpose. It had a steel breastplate, gauntlets, a helmet, etc., so that he looked almost like a mole. At once he plunged into the earth. He made his way with his sharp steel helmet and tore up the ground with his iron claws. He did not find it very hard, because a morass is usually soft and gives way easily. In this way he hoped to dig under Wauwau, then suddenly rise and seize her by the foot. Meanwhile his brother Gog went up into the air in a balloon. He hoped to catch her if she escaped from Magog.

So the animal was surrounded on every side. At first she was very frightened and did not know which way to go. At last she heard a dull noise under the ground. So Wauwau flew off before Magog had time to catch her by the foot. She flew to the right, then to the left, north, east, west and south. But on every side she found the company ready on their nets. At last she flew straight up. She soared toward the sun at an astonishing speed. At the same time the company on every side gave one great cheer together. But Gog in his balloon soon stopped Wauwau in the middle of her flight. He caught her in a net, and he held its cords in his hand. Wauwau did not completely lose her presence of mind. After a little thought, she made several violent darts against the body of the balloon. They were so fierce that at last she tore a big hole in it. The inflammable air rushed out, and the whole machine began to fall to earth amazingly fast. Gog himself was thrown out of it. He let go of the cords of the net, and Wauwau was free again. She flew out of sight in an instant.

Gog had been more than a mile above the earth when he began to fall. As he fell, he went faster and faster. So he shot into the morass like a ball from a cannon. His nose hit one of the iron-capped hands of his brother Magog, who was just then rising from the depths. Gog began to bleed violently. If the morass had not been so soft, he would have lost his life.

### Glossary

- **lawsuit**: a quarrel that is taken to a court of law.
- **amphitheatre**: a round building with rows of seats rising on every side.
- **matrons**: respectable older married women.
- **brilliants**: diamonds cut to shine brightly.
- **Solomon**: the very wise king in the Bible.
- **folio**: a very large book.
- **quizzes, quizzed**: a fashionable toy of the 1790s, like a yo-yo; to play with it.
- **Prester John**: a legendary Christian king, here a king in Africa.
- **oracular**: like an oracle; seeming to know the future and give wise answers.
- **green cheese**: the old joke that the moon is made of cheese, a foolish thing to believe.
- **Vestris**: a famous ballet dancer of the time.
- **wild-goose chase**: a long, hopeless chase.
- **negroes**: an old word for Black people, now offensive.
- **Esquimaux**: an old name for the Inuit people of the far north.
- **morass**: a soft, wet marsh.
- **gauntlets**: strong metal gloves worn with armour.

## Chapter XXXII

*The Baron makes a speech to the company, and they continue the chase—The Baron wanders away from his retinue and is caught by the savages, scalped, and tied to a stake to be roasted; but he manages to free himself, and kills the savages—The Baron travels overland through the forests of North America to the borders of Russia—He arrives at the castle of the Nareskin Rowskimowmowsky, and gallops into the kingdom of Loggerheads—A battle, in which the Baron fights the Nareskin in single combat, and generously spares his life—He arrives at the Friendly Islands, and talks with Omai—The Baron goes with all his attendants from Otaheite to the isthmus of Darien, cuts a canal across the isthmus, and returns to England.*

"My friends, and very learned and wise Judiciarii," I said, "do not lose heart because Wauwau has escaped from you for now. Keep trying, and we shall still succeed. You should never despair while Munchausen is your general. So be brave, be bold, and fortune will support your efforts. Let us go on without fear in our chase. Let us follow the fierce Wauwau even three times round the globe, until we trap her."

My words filled them with confidence and courage, and they all agreed to continue the chase. We went deep into the frightful deserts and gloomy woods of America, beyond the source of the Ohio. We passed through countries that were completely unknown before. I often went shooting in the woods for fun. One day I happened to wander far from our troop with three attendants. Suddenly a number of savages attacked us. We had used up our powder and shot, and we had no swords with us. So it was useless to fight against hundreds of enemies. In short, they tied us up and made us walk in front of them to a gloomy cave in a rock. There they feasted on the game they had killed. But it was not enough for them. So they took my three unfortunate companions and me, and scalped us. The pain of losing the skin from my head was most horrible. It made me leap in agony and roar like a bull. Then they tied us to stakes and made great fires around us. They began to dance in a circle, singing with twisted faces and great cruelty. At times they put the palms of their hands to their mouths and gave the war-whoop. That same day they had also captured some wine and spirits that belonged to our troop. These barbarians found it delicious. They did not know that it makes people drunk. So they began to drink great amounts of it while they watched us roasting. Very soon they were all completely drunk, and they fell asleep around the fires.

I saw some hope. I made the most astonishing efforts to free myself from the cords that tied me, and at last I succeeded. At once I untied my companions. Though they were half roasted, they still had enough strength to walk. We searched for the skin that had been taken off our heads. When we found the scalps, we put them back on our bloody heads at once. We stuck them on with a kind of glue that flows from a tree in that country. It is an excellent remedy, and the parts joined and healed in a few hours. We made sure to take our revenge on the savages. With their own hatchets we put every one of them to death. Then we went back to our troop. They had given us up for lost, and they celebrated our return with great joy.

We now went on with our journey through this huge wilderness. Gog and Magog worked as pioneers and chopped down the trees, etc., very fast as we went along. We crossed countless swamps, lakes and rivers. At last we saw a building some distance away. It seemed a dark and gloomy castle, surrounded by strong ramparts and a broad ditch. We called a council of war. We decided to send some men with a trumpet to the walls of the castle. They would ask the governor, whoever he might be, for friendship. They would also ask him for any news he had of Wauwau. For this purpose our whole caravan stopped in the wood. Gog and Magog lay down among the trees. In this way the lord of the castle would not see their huge strength and size and be offended.

Our embassy went up to the castle and asked to be let in for some time. At last the drawbridge was let down, and they were allowed to enter. As soon as they had passed the gate, it was shut behind them at once. On either side they saw ranks of halberdiers, who made them tremble with fear.

"We come," the herald announced, "on behalf of Hilaro Frosticos, Don Quixote, Lord Whittington, and the thrice-renowned Baron Munchausen. We come to ask for friendship from the governor of this puissant castle, and to look for Wauwau."

"The most noble the governor," replied the officer, "is always happy to entertain travellers who pass through these huge deserts. The great Hilaro Frosticos, Don Quixote, Lord Whittington, and the thrice-renowned Baron Munchausen may enter his castle walls. He will think it an honour."

In short, we went into the castle. The governor sat down at table with all our company. His friends sat round him, and they looked very fierce and warlike. They spoke very little and seemed very stern and cold, until the first course was served. The dishes were brought in by a number of bears walking on their hind legs. On every dish was a fricassee of pistols and pistol-bullets, with gunpowder sauce and aqua-vitæ. This meal seemed too hard to digest, even for an ostrich's stomach. Then the governor spoke to us. He told me it was always his custom to offer strangers a first course like the one in front of us. If they wanted to accept the invitation, he would fight them as much as they liked. But if they could not enjoy the pistol-bullets, etc., he would decide that they were peaceful. Then he would try to show them better politeness in his castle. In short, the first course was taken away untouched, and we dined. After dinner the governor made the company pass the bottle round eagerly and drink far too much. He told us that he was the Nareskin Rowskimowmowsky. He had come to live in these wild lands because he was disgusted with the court of Petersburgh. I was delighted to meet him. I remembered my old friend. I had known him at the court of Russia, at the time when I refused the hand of the Empress.

The Nareskin and all his knight-companions drank an astonishing amount. Then we all set off out of the castle on hobby horses, in full cry. Never before was such a cavalcade seen. In front galloped a hundred knights from the castle, with hunting horns and a pack of excellent dogs. Then came the Nareskin Rowskimowmowsky, Gog and Magog, Hilaro Frosticos, and your humble servant. We hallooed and shouted like so many madmen. We spurred our hobby horses on at a devilish speed until we arrived in the kingdom of Loggerheads.

The kingdom of Loggerheads was wilder than any part of Siberia. Here the Nareskin had built a romantic summer-house in the Gothic style. He often went there with his company after dinner. The Nareskin had a dozen bears of enormous size that danced for our amusement. Their chiefs danced the *minuet de la cour* wonderfully well. And here the most noble Hilaro Frosticos thought it proper to ask the Nareskin for some news about Wauwau. We had travelled over so much country to find her, and we had met so many dangerous adventures. Hilaro also invited the Nareskin Rowskimowmowsky to come with us on the expedition with all his bears. The Nareskin seemed astonished at the idea. He looked at Hilaro with enormous pride and fierceness. He pretended to fly into a violent rage, and he asked him a question. "Did he imagine that the Nareskin Rowskimowmowsky could lower himself to notice a Wauwau, let her fly which way she liked! Or did he think a chief with such blood in his veins could take part in such a foreign chase? By the blood and by the ashes of my great grandmother, I would cut off your head!"

Hilaro Frosticos was angry at this speech, and in short a general riot began. The bears and the hundred knights took the side of the Nareskin. On our side were Gog and Magog, Don Quixote, the Sphinx and Lord Whittington. The bulls, the crickets, the judges, the matrons and Hilaro Frosticos were there too. They all made noble war against the enemy.

I drew my sword and challenged the Nareskin to single combat. He frowned, and his eyes flashed with fire and anger. He strapped a buckler on his left arm and came at me. I struck at him with all my force. He caught the blow on his buckler, and my sword broke short.

Ungenerous Nareskin! He saw that I had no weapon, but he still pushed forward. He rained his blows on me with the greatest violence. I blocked them with my shield and the hilt of my broken sword, and I fought like a game-cock.

At the same time an enormous bear attacked me. I was still holding the hilt of my broken sword. I pushed that hand down the bear's throat and tore out his tongue by the roots. Then I seized his body by the hind legs and whirled it over my head. I gave the Nareskin such a blow with his own bear that he was clearly stunned. I struck him again and again, knocking the bear's head against the Nareskin's head. At last, with one lucky blow, I got his head into the bear's jaws. The creature was still a little alive and twitching, and its teeth closed on him like nutcrackers. I threw the bear away from me. But the Nareskin lay sprawling on the ground. He could not free his head from the bear's jaws, and he begged for mercy. I let the wretch live: a lion does not feed on dead bodies.

At the same time my troop had completely beaten the bears and the rest of our enemies. I was merciful, and I ordered quarter to be given.

At that moment I saw Wauwau flying very high across the sky. We set out after her at once. We did not stop until we arrived at Kamschatka, and from there we went on to Otaheite. There I met my old friend Omai, who had been in England with the great navigator, Cook. I was glad to find that he had set up Sunday schools all over the islands. I talked to him about Europe and his former voyage to England.

"Ah!" he said with great feeling. "The English, the cruel English! They murdered me with goodness and made my torture more refined. They took me to Europe. They showed me the court of England and all the fine delights of the most elegant life. They showed me gods and showed me heaven, as if on purpose to make me feel the loss of them."

We set out from these islands with a fleet of canoes that had fighting-platforms. The chief warriors of the islands came with us, under the command of Omai. So we made a very formidable sight when we arrived at the Isthmus of Darien. There was the chariot of Queen Mab, with my team of bulls and the crickets. There were the ark, the Sphinx and the balloons. There were Hilaro Frosticos, Gog and Magog, Lord Whittington and the Lord Mayor's show, Don Quixote, etc. And there was my fleet of canoes. I knew what a great benefit it would be to all mankind. So at once I made a plan to cut a canal across the isthmus from sea to sea.

For this purpose I drove my chariot again and again from shore to shore, in the same track, with the greatest force. In this way I tore up the rocks and earth and made a fairly good bed for the water. Next, Gog and Magog came forward at the head of a million people. These people came from the lands of North and South America, and from Europe. With huge labour they cleared away the earth, etc., that I had ploughed up with my chariot. Then I drove my chariot again, and I made the canal wider and deeper. I ordered Gog and Magog to repeat their work as before. The canal was now a quarter of a mile broad and three hundred yards deep. I thought this was enough, and at once I let in the waters of the sea.

I had thought about the turning of the earth. It turns on its axis from west to east. So I imagined that the sea would be higher on the eastern coast than on the western coast. When the two seas joined, there would be a strong current from the east. And it happened just as I expected. The sea came in with tremendous magnificence and made the canal wider. It became a passage some miles broad, from ocean to ocean, and it made an island of South America. Several trading ships and men-of-war sailed through this new channel to the South Seas, China, etc. They saluted me with all their cannon as they passed.

I looked at the moon through my telescope. I saw that the philosophers there were in great excitement. They could clearly see the change on the surface of our globe. They felt that they somehow had a part in the enterprise of their fellow-mortals in a neighbouring planet. They seemed to think it admirable that such little beings as we men should try so magnificent a work. It was a work that could be seen even from another world.

So, having wedded the Atlantic Ocean to the South Sea, I returned to England. There I found Wauwau in exactly the same spot from which she had set out. She had led us on a chase all round the world.

### Glossary

- **Judiciarii**: a joke Latin word for "judges".
- **savages**: (old, now offensive) a word Europeans used for people they thought uncivilised.
- **scalped**: had the skin and hair cut off the top of the head.
- **war-whoop**: a loud battle cry.
- **pioneers**: workers or soldiers who clear the way ahead.
- **halberdiers**: guards carrying long spears with an axe blade.
- **thrice-renowned, puissant**: three times famous; powerful.
- **fricassee**: a kind of stew.
- **aqua-vitæ**: (Latin) a very strong alcoholic drink.
- **hobby horses**: toy horses made of a stick with a horse's head.
- **Loggerheads**: fools; "at loggerheads" also means quarrelling.
- **minuet de la cour**: (French) the court minuet, a slow formal dance.
- **buckler**: a small round shield.
- **game-cock**: a cock bred for fighting.
- **quarter**: mercy shown to a beaten enemy.
- **isthmus**: a narrow strip of land between two seas.

## Chapter XXXIII

*The Baron goes to Petersburgh and talks with the Empress—He persuades the Russians and Turks to stop cutting one another's throats, and to cut a canal together across the Isthmus of Suez—The Baron discovers the Alexandrine Library and meets Hermes Trismegistus—He besieges Seringapatam and challenges Tippoo Sahib to single combat—They fight—The Baron gets some wounds in his face, but at last defeats the tyrant—The Baron returns to Europe and raises the hull of the "Royal George."*

I was seized with a fury of canal-cutting. I got the idea of joining the Mediterranean and the Red Sea at once. So I set out for Petersburgh.

The Empress's bloodthirsty ambition would not listen to my proposals. Then I found a private moment, while I was drinking a cup of coffee with her Majesty. I told her that I would truly sacrifice myself for the general good of mankind. If she agreed to my proposals, then I would give her my hand in marriage, *ipso facto*, when the canal was finished!

"My dear, dear Baron," she said, "I agree to everything you please. I agree to make peace with the Porte on the conditions you mention. And," she added. She rose with all the majesty of the Czarina, Empress of half the world. "Let all our subjects know that We order these conditions. For such is our royal will and pleasure."

Now I went to the Isthmus of Suez at the head of a million Russian pioneers. There I joined my forces with a million Turks, armed with shovels and pickaxes. They had not come to cut each other's throats, but for the good of both sides. They came to help trade and civilisation, and to pour all the wealth of India into Europe by a new channel.

"My brave fellows," I said, "think of the huge labour of the Chinese when they built their famous wall. Think how much more useful to mankind our work is now. Keep going, and fortune will support your efforts. Remember it is Munchausen who leads you on, and be sure of success."

With these words I drove my chariot with all my might along my former track. This was the trace that the Baron de Tott mentioned. When I had gone a good distance, I felt my chariot sinking under me. I tried to drive on. But the ground gave way, or rather an immense vault did, and my chariot and everything fell headlong. I was stunned by the fall. It was some moments before I could collect my thoughts. At last, to my amazement, I saw that I had fallen into the Alexandrine Library. I was drowned in an ocean of books. Thousands of volumes came tumbling down on my head. Ruins fell with them, from the part of the vault my chariot had come through. For a time my bulls and everything were buried beneath a heap of learning. However, I managed to free myself. I walked with awed admiration through the vast avenues of the library. On every side I saw countless volumes and stores of ancient learning, and all the science of the Antediluvian world. Here I met Hermes Trismegistus and a parcel of old philosophers. They were debating the politics and learning of their days. I gave them more delight than words can say. In a few words, I told them all the discoveries of Newton and the history of the world since their time. In return, these gentlemen told me a thousand stories of ancient times. Some of our antiquarians would give their very eyes to hear them.

In short, I ordered the library to be preserved. As soon as it arrives in England, I intend to make a present of it to the Royal Society. With it I will give Hermes Trismegistus and half a dozen old philosophers. I have had a beautiful cage made, and I keep these extraordinary creatures in it. I feed them on bread and honey. They seem to believe in a kind of transmigration of souls, and they will not touch meat. Hermes Trismegistus especially is a most ancient-looking being. He has a beard half a yard long and wears a robe of golden embroidery. He prates like a parrot. He will make a very fine show in the Museum.

I had made a track with my chariot from sea to sea. Then I ordered my Turks and Russians to begin. In a few hours we had the pleasure of seeing a fleet of British East Indiamen. They were sailing through the canal in full sail. The officers of this fleet were very polite. They gave me all the applause and congratulations that my great deeds deserved. They told me about their affairs in India, and about the fierceness of that dreadful warrior, Tippoo Sahib. At this I decided to go to India and fight the tyrant. I travelled down the Red Sea to Madras. At the head of a few Sepoys and Europeans, I chased the fleeing army of Tippoo to the gates of Seringapatam. I challenged him to mortal combat. Then, on my horse, I rode up to the walls of the fortress through a storm of shells and cannon-balls. The bombs and cannon-balls came at me fast. As fast as they came, I caught them in my hands like so many pebbles. I threw them back against the fortress and destroyed the strongest ramparts of the place. My aim was very exact. Whenever I threw a cannon-ball or a shell at someone on the ramparts, I was sure to hit him. Once I saw a tremendous cannon pointed at me. I knew its ball must be so big that it would certainly stun me. So I took a small cannon-ball. I saw the engineer about to order them to fire. Just as he opened his mouth to give the word of command, I took aim. I drove my ball straight down his throat.

Tippoo was afraid that all would be lost. If I went on battering the place, a general and successful attack would follow. So he came out on his elephant to fight me. I saluted him and insisted that he should fire first.

Tippoo, though a barbarian, did not lack politeness, and he refused the compliment. At this I took off my hat and bowed. I told him that Munchausen should never be said to accept such an advantage from so gallant a warrior. Then Tippoo at once fired his carbine. The ball hit my horse's ear and made him plunge with rage and anger. In return I fired my pistol at Tippoo and shot off his turban. He had a small field-piece mounted with him on his elephant. He fired it at me, and the grape-shot came in a shower. It rattled into the laurels that covered and shaded me all over. The shot stayed hanging there like berries on the branches. Then I rode forward and took hold of the proboscis of his elephant. I turned it against the rider. I hit him again and again with the tip of it on both sides of his head. At last I knocked him off. Nothing could equal the rage of the barbarian when he found himself thrown from his elephant. He rose in a fit of despair and rushed at my horse and me. But I scorned to fight him when he was at such a great disadvantage. So I got off my horse at once to fight him hand to hand. I never fought with any man who behaved more nobly than this enemy. He blocked my blows, and he struck his own blows home with astonishing precision. I received the first blow of his sabre on the bridge of my nose. If that part of my face had not been so bony and firm, the blow would have reached my mouth. I still bear the mark on my nose.

Next he struck a furious blow at my head. But I blocked it and weakened the force of his sabre, so I got only one scar on my forehead. At the same instant I struck with my sword and cut off his arm. His hand and sabre fell to the earth. He staggered for a few steps and dropped at the foot of his elephant. That wise animal saw the danger of his master. It tried to protect him by swinging its proboscis round the head of the Sultan.

I went forward against the elephant without fear. I wanted to take the haughty Tippoo Sahib alive. But he pulled a pistol from his belt and fired it full in my face as I rushed at him. It did me no more harm than to wound my cheek-bone. That wound spoils my looks a little, under my left eye. I could not resist the rage and the impulse of that moment. With one blow of my sword I cut his head from his body.

I returned overland from India to Europe at an admirable speed. So the news of Tippoo's defeat by me has not yet arrived by the usual route. And you cannot expect to hear of it for a long time. I simply tell the fight as it happened between the Sultan and me. If anyone doubts the truth of what I say, he is an infidel. I will fight him at any time and place, and with any weapon he likes.

I heard so many people talk about raising the "Royal George." So I began to take pity on that fine old ruin of British plank, and I decided to bring her up. I knew that all the methods tried so far had failed. So I wanted to try a method different from any tried before. I got an immense balloon made of the toughest sail-cloth. I went down in my diving-bell and tied the hull firmly with enormous cables. Then I came up to the surface and fastened my cables to the balloon. Huge crowds gathered to watch the "Royal George" being raised. As soon as I began to fill my balloon with inflammable air, the ship clearly began to move. And when my balloon was completely full, it carried up the "Royal George" very fast. When the ship appeared on the surface, the millions who had gathered there gave a great shout of triumph. The balloon still went on rising. It trailed the hull after it like a lantern at the tail of a kite. In a few minutes it was floating among the clouds.

Many philosophers then thought it would be harder to get her down than to pull her up. But I proved them wrong. I aimed so exactly with a twelve-pounder that I brought her down in an instant.

I had thought about it carefully. Suppose I broke the balloon with a cannon-ball while it was over the land with the ship. Then the fall would certainly destroy the hull. And as it fell, it might crush some of the crowd. So I thought it safer to aim when the balloon was over the sea. I pointed my twelve-pounder and drove the ball right through the balloon. At this the inflammable air rushed out with great force. The "Royal George" came down like a falling star into the very spot from which she had been taken. There she still remains, and I have convinced all Europe that it is possible to take her up.

### Glossary

- **ipso facto**: (Latin) by that very fact; automatically.
- **the Porte**: the government of Turkey.
- **Czarina**: the Empress of Russia.
- **pioneers**: workers or soldiers who dig and clear the way.
- **Alexandrine Library**: the great library of ancient Alexandria in Egypt.
- **Antediluvian**: from the time before Noah's flood.
- **Hermes Trismegistus**: a legendary wise man of ancient Egypt.
- **transmigration of souls**: the belief that souls move into new bodies, even animals' bodies.
- **prates**: chatters.
- **Sepoys**: Indian soldiers in the British army.
- **field-piece, grape-shot**: a small cannon; many small balls fired from a cannon at once.
- **proboscis**: an elephant's trunk.
- **infidel**: a person without faith.
- **"Royal George"**: a British warship that sank in 1782; people talked for years about raising it.
- **diving-bell**: a bell-shaped room let down into the sea for working under water.

## Chapter XXXIV

*The Baron makes a speech to the National Assembly and drives out all the members—He routs the fishwomen and the National Guards—He chases the whole beaten crowd into a Church, where he defeats the National Assembly, etc., with Rousseau, Voltaire and Beelzebub at their head, and frees Marie Antoinette and the Royal Family.*

I passed through Switzerland on my return from India. There I was told that several of the German nobility had lost the honours and privileges of their French estates. I heard of the sufferings of the amiable Marie Antoinette. I swore to take revenge for every look that had threatened her with insult. I went to the cavern of these Anthropophagi, who had met to debate. I gracefully put the hilt of my sword to my lips. "I swear," I cried, "by the sacred cross of my sword! Put your king and his nobility, and your injured queen, back in their places at once. If you do not, I will cut the one half of you to pieces."

At this the President picked up a leaden inkstand and threw it at my head. I bent down to avoid the blow. Then I rushed to the tribune and seized the Speaker, who was thundering against the Aristocrats. I took the creature by one leg and threw him at the President. I struck out on every side most nobly and drove them all out of the house. Then I locked the doors and put the key in my pocket.

Then I went to the poor king and bowed low to him. "Sire," I said, "your enemies have all fled. I alone am the National Assembly at present. I shall register your edicts to call back the princes and the nobility. And in future, if your majesty pleases, I will be your Parliament and Council." He thanked me. And the amiable Marie Antoinette smiled and gave me her hand to kiss.

At that moment I saw a party of the National Assembly coming at me. They had gathered again with the National Guards, and with a huge procession of fishwomen. I put their Majesties in a safe place. Then I went against my enemies with my drawn sword. Three hundred fishwomen came at me, shouting and roaring like so many furies. In their hands they held bushes decorated with ribbons. I was too proud to dirty my sword with their blood. But I seized the first one who came up and made her kneel down. Then I knighted her with my sword. This so terrified the rest that they all gave a terrible yell. They ran away as fast as they could, for fear of being aristocrated by knighthood.

As for the National Guards and the rest of the Assembly, I soon put them to flight. I took some of them prisoner. I forced them to take down their national cockade and put the old royal cockade in its place.

Then I chased the enemy to the top of a hill. There a most noble building dazzled my eyes. It was noble and sacred, but now it was used for the vilest purposes. It was their monument *de grands hommes*, a Christian church that these Saracens had turned into an abomination. I burst open the doors and went in, sword in hand. Here I saw the whole National Assembly marching round a great altar built to Voltaire. His statue stood there in triumph. The fishwomen were hanging garlands on it and singing "Ca ira!" I could not bear the sight any longer. I rushed at these pagans and sacrificed them by dozens on the spot. The members of the Assembly and the fishwomen kept calling on their great Voltaire. They called on all their masters in this monument *de grands hommes*. They begged them to come down and help them against the Aristocrats and the sword of Munchausen. Their cries were horrible, like the shrieks of witches and enchanters skilled in magic and the black art. Meanwhile the thunder growled, and storms shook the battlements. And Rousseau, Voltaire and Beelzebub appeared, three horrible spectres. One was very thin, mere skin and bone, and like a corpse. He seemed to be death, that hideous skeleton. It was Voltaire, and in his hand were a lyre and a dagger. On the other side was Rousseau, with a chalice of sweet poison in his hand. And between them was their father Beelzebub!

I shook at the sight. With all the passion of rage, horror and piety, I rushed in among them. I seized that cursed skeleton Voltaire. I soon forced him to take back all the errors he had taught. And while he spoke the words, the whole assembly shrieked, as if by a magic charm. Then the pandemonium began to fall in hideous ruin on their heads.

I returned in triumph to the palace. There the Queen rushed into my arms, crying tenderly. "Ah, thou flower of nobility," she cried, "if all the nobles of France were like thee, we should never have been brought to this!"

I told the lovely creature to dry her eyes. With the King and the Dauphin, she should get into my carriage and drive post to Mont-Medi. Not a moment was to be lost. They took my advice and drove away. I took them to within a few miles of Mont-Medi. Then the King thanked me for my help. He hoped I would not trouble myself any further, because he believed he was now out of danger. The Queen also thanked me on her knees, with tears in her eyes. And she presented the Dauphin for my blessing. In short, I left the King eating a mutton chop. I advised him not to delay, or he would certainly be taken. Then I put spurs to my horse, wished them a good evening, and returned to England. If the King remained too long at table, and was taken, it was not my fault.

### Glossary

- **amiable**: kind and pleasant.
- **Anthropophagi**: (Greek) man-eaters; the Baron's insult for the French National Assembly.
- **hilt**: the handle of a sword.
- **inkstand**: a stand or pot that holds ink for writing.
- **tribune**: the raised platform where a speaker stands.
- **Aristocrats**: here, supporters of the King and the old French nobility.
- **edicts**: official orders from a king.
- **fishwomen**: women who sold fish in the Paris markets.
- **furies**: angry female spirits of revenge in Greek stories.
- **aristocrated by knighthood**: a joke: made into nobles, which they hated.
- **cockade**: a ribbon rosette worn on a hat as a political sign.
- **de grands hommes**: (French) "of great men"; the Panthéon in Paris, a church made into a tomb for great men.
- **Saracens, pagans**: the Baron's hostile names for the revolutionaries (people of another or no religion).
- **"Ca ira!"**: (French) "It will be fine!", a song of the French Revolution.
- **battlements**: the top of a castle wall, with gaps in it.
- **spectres**: ghosts.
- **lyre**: a small, old kind of harp.
- **chalice**: a cup used in church.
- **pandemonium**: the home of all devils; also wild disorder.
- **Dauphin**: the eldest son of the King of France.
- **drive post**: travel fast with fresh horses changed at each stop.
- **mutton**: meat from a sheep.